


Redefined

by irlhawke



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Borderline Personality Disorder, F/F, Fenders, Fenhanders - Freeform, M/M, Mage Abuse and Oppression, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Polyamory, Public Blow Jobs, Slave abuse and oppression, Threesome - M/M/M, fenhawke - Freeform, handers - Freeform, original child character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-27 21:36:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 77,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6301288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlhawke/pseuds/irlhawke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders has been fighting for freedom his entire life, and hiding the fact that he is a mage is a big part of his own protection. The few friends who know about his powers are usually mages themselves, like Garrett Hawke, the man Anders has loved in silence, for years. But Hawke has never been particularly careful, no matter how dangerous Kirkwall can be for a mage who isn't cautious. Being a part of Hawke's inner circle, being close to him, has always been worth the risk, and it still is, the day Anders meets Fenris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this story is partly written because there were way to few fenhanders fics out there, and also because this coming week is fenhanders week on tumblr! there will be multiple chapters and the plan is for them all to be written from Anders' perspective.

As far as plans go, this had not been a part of it. Anders really didn't know how things had so quickly gone from chilly and cold to what was now happening in this narrow space of a bathroom. It wasn't like he'd never gotten intimately involved with a stranger before, and the man groaning against his neck with his hand down the front of Anders' pants wasn't even a stranger, but there was usually more courting involved before escaping to the half privacy of a toilet booth, more alcohol too. In this case, not more than half a drink had been shared between them. He couldn't even explain or excuse what was happening by blaming alcohol, but for the moment he really didn't care. 

“Fenris...” he tried, his voice low, almost like a whisper, trying the tense silence between them by uttering the name of the eager man pushing him against the wall. Fenris answered with a guttural groan sending shivers down Anders' spine from where his teeth dug into Anders' neck. Anders leaned his head back against the wall behind him to fast, hard enough to send stars sparkling before his eyes, keeping his own sounds to himself as not to alert the drunken men rolling into the bathroom from time to time. He knew the bar was noisy and busy with people, but in here every moan echoed off the walls without mercy. He knew how to do this right. The question was whether Fenris did. 

Fenris' free hand soon nestled in Anders' hair, pulling at blond locks as he moved the hand wrapped around Anders' cock. The rough friction was close to painful but of course, Anders really didn't mind it that way. He closed his eyes, his own hands gripping at white hair and strong shoulders, for the moment too distracted by pleasure and stifling his own moans to do anything else. Fenris was still panting against his neck, even when the only friction he was getting was the knee Anders had chiseled between Fenris' trembling thighs. He was hard already, Anders could feel it with every push of Fenris' body against his own. The thought of just how quickly he'd been brought this far made Anders dizzy with excitement.

“This getting you going?” he teased between his own gasps, groaning at the pain of Fenris' teeth closing on a pounding vein below his ear. “Pushing me up against a wall? In a public bathroom?” 

“Do not test me, mage,” Fenris growled, pulling back only for a second to meet Anders' eyes, his green gaze boring into him so intently that it made Anders' shiver all the way down his cock. The word “mage” was still hanging heavy in the air between them, he could almost taste it in the one breath he felt against his lips before Fenris broke their eye contact and once again let his sharp teeth rake over Anders' already bruised neck. 

“Why not? What could you possibly do to me?” Anders managed, his heart pounding furiously from pain, need and just a hint of worry all mingling together in his mind, fogging judgement and reason with every stroke of Fenris' strong hand around his cock.

“You do not want to know,” came the short reply before Fenris' hands were suddenly withdrawn from Anders' pants, drawing a disappointed half moan from him and making him jerk his hips upward in search for Fenris' body. 

“Don't stop,” he begged in a whisper, fingers digging into Fenris' shoulders to try and pull him closer, to kiss him or make him touch him again he wasn't sure. Any of those sounded amazing to him. “Please, Fenris...” 

“I enjoy hearing you beg,” Fenris replied, meeting Anders' eyes again with the smallest grin playing across his slightly swollen lips before he let his tongue quickly swipe across them, capturing Anders gaze immediately. They had barely kissed yet, and Anders' mouth was already aching for more, feeling that tongue claim him, teeth scraping his lips... 

“Then maybe I should-..” Anders started, breathless but unable to stop himself trying to tease Fenris once more. But his efforts were interrupted. 

“You talk to much, mage,” Fenris said, his voice deep and calm. “I think I know better uses for that mouth of yours”

The words vibrated between them, making Anders' tongue pound and his breath hitch in his chest. To have Fenris exposed and vulnerable before his eyes, against his lips, thrusting into his mouth with rough fingers buried in his hair. The thought alone could have pushed Anders over the edge, his cock leaking against the fabric of his underwear. 

“What are you waiting for?” Fenris asked, quirking an eyebrow as Anders looked back into his eyes from where his gaze had traveled involuntarily down Fenris' body. 

He really didn't need more encouragement than that, but the hungry look in those green eyes was definitely not a negative image, lighting sparks through his entire body, making him move forward. His hands firmly placed against Fenris' chest as he pushed him back against the door of their narrow booth. The impact as Fenris' body hit the wood pulled a low wince from him, his green eyes closing behind fluttering eyelids. The sight of Fenris like this made Anders lean in, grinning as he claimed Fenris' mouth as his own, kissing him deeply as Fenris wrapped his arms around his neck, submitting to him for a split second of bliss before his strong fingers once again nestled in Anders' thick hair and pulled the two of them apart. As they separated, Fenris teeth bit into Anders' lip and left it pounding as they locked eyes. 

“Suck me,” Fenris then said, breathlessly, and Anders could do nothing but comply, fingers fumbling with the lining of Fenris' joggers, untying the tight drawstring holding the fabric up on his hips. Fenris' fingers, still balled up in Anders' hair, tightened their grip and pulled downwards until Anders kneeled on the damp floor. Fenris' breaths came in short gasps already, his free palm splayed flat against the wood of the door as Anders eased his tight pants down the curve of his ass. He found himself unable to keep his fingers from gripping the soft skin there, which caused Fenris' his hips to jolt against Anders' face, his cock pounding for his attention as it brushed against Anders' cheek through the still sliding fabric. 

“Eager, are we?” Anders grinned, mouth rapidly watering as he forced himself to look up and meet Fenris' eyes again, instead of pulling the fabric down completely and finally satisfying his own curiosity as to what Fenris' actually looked like beneath his neat exterior. To his delight, Fenris' eyes fluttered shut again and all he let out was a deep growl before he used his hand to push Anders' face against his body. Anders couldn't help grinning as he pulled the fabric down further, both pants and underwear, biting his lip in anticipation as flush skin, already slick and throbbing, was revealed to him. He gasped, against better judgement, as he gently took it in his hand and felt it pounding against his palm, hearing Fenris' muffled groans with the softest touches. Anders took a moment just to look at him, the soft brown shade of his skin streaked with the same white lines as the rest of his body, the straining head of his cock so inviting he couldn't wait another second. Neither could Fenris, it seemd, the way he bucked his hips against Anders' mouth. 

He gave it a split second's thought, how he was going to go about this. His own mouth was aching to be filled, his tongue sliding gently up the length of Fenris' cock as he thought. But thinking and tasting such a pretty cock at the same time didn't seem to work for him as his mind went blank with sensation as he covered the head of Fenris' cock with his lips and was met by salt and the familiar burning flavor of metal. He stopped like that for a second, Fenris' cock just resting against his tongue while he tried to understand why the flavor of lyrium was lingering right beneath Fenris' skin, echoing through Anders' body, surging together with the magic of his core. But he wasn't allowed to think, it seemed, as Fenris with what sounded like a desperate moan pushed against him again, driving into his mouth, tired of waiting. Anders closed his eyes and let him in, tongue sliding with ease along the shaft of Fenris' cock, lyrium still playing with his senses, the taste of salt left like a tingle against the back of his throat as he quickly took Fenris all the way. He'd done this before, knew exactly what to do, how to relax as his hair was pulled and his head was pushed against Fenris. His eyes were watering slightly with strain as he closed them but his own excited moans rose up to vibrate against Fenris' skin, drawing groan after groan from Fenris' shaking body. 

When Fenris suddenly came, Anders hadn't at all been prepared and felt the thick liquid burn with the faint sensation of lyrium down his throat. Fenris was trembling hard now, both hands buried in Anders' hair, head bowed down towards his chest as he panted with his eyes shut. Anders took in his facial expression as he let his tongue stroke the slit of Fenris' cock, marveling at the way it made Fenris whine, making sounds Anders had never expected this broody man to ever utter. After a while, Anders reluctantly released Fenris' cock with his mouth, lips swollen and his own cock pounding painfully between his legs as he watched Fenris slowly open his eyes. 

“Satisfied?” Anders grinned, wiping saliva from his lips with his thumb as Fenris watched, red faced and almost gaping. “Or do you want more?” 

“I...” Fenris tried to reply, eyes following the movement of Anders' thumb before he suddenly looked away and Anders knew immediately that some irreversible change had occurred within him before his eyes. “I have to go,” Fenris then said and although Anders wasn't surprised, he felt a hard sting of disappointment mixed with annoyance and something resembling worry rise up inside him. 

“What?” he exclaimed, as calmly as he possibly could as he used the seat of the porcelain chair to get back up on his feet. But Fenris was already pulling his underwear and joggers back up, not even tying them before he fumbled for the door handle. “Fenris, what the fuck?” 

“I am sorry,” Fenris only half mumbled as he stopped his fiddling for a split second, only turning his face halfway towards Anders as he spoke. “I can't” 

Before Anders could say anything else Fenris was out the small door and within seconds he could hear the door leading back into the bar open, music and multiple voices flooding into the echoing bathroom before the room fell silent again. Anders slumped back against the cold wall again, eyes closed and his nostrils filling with the damp smell of public bathroom, the aftertaste of lyrium on his tongue. He was still wondering, as he stood there alone in the bathroom, how this had even happened to begin with.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the nice comments and the kudos! I'm really glad you all seem to like the story so far! 
> 
> Anders has some anxiety in this chapter, so heads up for that!

The first time Anders saw Fenris was a couple of months before the “bathroom incident”. Garrett Hawke had invited them both to the same house warming party and even though he had apparently known Fenris for years, they had never had an opportunity to meet before. Anders had not asked why this was, but secretly wondered about the reason, until he had figured it out himself as he'd heard Fenris argue with some of the party guests, about mage rights. Anders wasn't surprised that Hawke knew people with negative feelings towards mages, in fact, he'd had the pleasure of arguing with many of them on other occasions, but Fenris was different. That first time he'd heard his voice it had rung with certainty, condemning the acts of the Tevinter Imperium. But he wasn't doing it because of Tevinter's Peoples Rights Violations, like most people who spoke up against the Imperium. Fenris was condemning Tevinter because it was run by mages. 

Now, most people in Kirkwall, Ferelden and even Orlais would try not to point fingers openly at mages, blaming them for every problem in the world. This was something that had been done in the past, and the current oppression of mages happened more subtly, almost out of sight for everyday non-magic folk. Mage children were left at boarding schools by parents who never came to claim them again, toddlers were tested yearly in cognition and language proficiency – as the Official Government Handout declared – but only mages and parents of mages knew for real what happened with a child who was found out to be a mage during these test. And the rest of society turned a blind eye, pretending they couldn't see, that they didn't know. So generally, people tended to be critical of the Tevinter Imperium in more subtle ways than blaming it all on the fact that it was the only mage run nation, as had been the custom not long before Anders had been born (and subsequently left at a boarding school of his own with nothing but a peck on the cheek from his mother and a stern nod from his father). 

But Fenris wasn't like the rest of the gathered party. When someone criticized Tevinter he would agree, but his harsh voice rang with annoyance as no one seemed to dare agree with him that mages were a problem in Tevinter. Anders leaned against the back of a sofa, placed in the middle of the room, and sipped from his glass of red, strong liquid as he watched the annoyed man, still unknown to him, down a whole glass of wine in a single shot. 

“So you think mages like that should just be given power then?” he continued when he'd swallowed, even though two of the people he'd been talking to had already decided to leave, leaving him with only two more who chose to listen. These two, Anders knew, were both mages themselves. 

“It's not about about giving mages power,” a dark haired elf woman was saying, her Orlesian accent barely audible anymore after years of living in Kirkwall. “Who said anything about handing out power? There will always be people who will do poorly when rising to power...”

“You think the mages in Minrathous are doing poorly?” Fenris replied through gritted teeth and the woman almost shied away from him, even though he hadn't moved closer to her. “You think slaves from the Imperium would agree with you that those poor poor mages who owns them are just bad at handling the pressure of possessing power?”

“Fenris, that's not what she said,” the other listener, and older man with greying hair tucked into a neat bun behind his pointed ears, cooed with a hand placed firmly on the woman's back for support. 

“I didn't mean any offense...” she nodded. “I just mean that even here the people in power use that power unwisely...” At the last word, Fenris visibly winced and the woman thought better of it. “I mean, they use that power unjustly and treat some people like third class citizens while others reap the rewards of a privileged life. You know I know about these things, Fenris, you know we share ancestry in some ways...” 

“Do not think that because we both have pointy ears I am anything like you!” Fenris spat furiously but before Anders had a chance to observe the rest of this interesting exchange, Hawke had come to shield the arguing three from view. 

“Anders!” he boomed and threw his arms out to his sides to grab Anders and press him against his chest between two strong forearms. “I didn't see you come in!”

“Garrett,” Anders replied, for a moment closing his eyes hard against the grey, soft shirt his friend was wearing, breathing deeply to catch his scent. Hawke always loved to hug, but every moment was fleeting to Anders and he could never get enough. “I'm sorry, I was late...”

“Oh, here you go with apologizing again,” Hawke sniggered and slowly let him go, Anders wanting to sigh sadly at the loss of contact but he'd always had great self control around Garrett Hawke. “What have I told you about apologizing for existing?” 

“Not in your house,” Anders grinned back and shook his head. “And nowadays that's quite the house” 

“It is,” Hawke nodded and leaned against the sofa too, so close his thigh was resting against Anders, making him warm throughout his entire body. “Who knew the Amell family would have such a hoard of money? This will significantly shorten my travel distance to work,”

“Just don't forget you're not much safer up here than a couple of levels down,” Anders tried, watching Fenris stalk away from the two other elves with a rage infested expression on his face. “If the people here found out what you are...” 

“Who said they're going to find out?” Hawke grinned and gently reached around Anders' back to squeeze his shoulder. 

“The way you strut about, like you own the place,” Anders begun and ignored the I do own the place-comment Hawke retorted with. “Anyone could see you use magic at every turn,” 

“Well, thankfully enough I have you to save me from trouble, Anders. You haven't failed me so far, have you?” 

“That might be true,” Anders agreed but couldn't unwrinkle his forehead after watching Fenris storm off the way he had. “But you might be putting your trust in other people that won't always have your back...” 

“Is that so?” 

Anders knew Hawke well enough by now to know when he wasn't quite listening. He was easily distracted, that man, always holding more than two ideas in his mind, keeping track of everything, and at the same time he could be quickly dazzled by something sparkling in the corner of his eye. Anders also knew that no matter how much he worried and nagged at the man, Hawke would never admit to him that he was in any danger, especially not from his own friends. Of course, Hawke wasn't completely in the dark. He had spent his whole life being somewhat careful, that was the way him and his sister had been raised. But if it was up to Anders, it couldn't hurt to watch Hawke's back, especially when the man was so carefree himself.

***

The months following that party, Anders saw more of Fenris with each day that went by. It was actually quite curious how he'd never noticed the man before, but he suspected Fenris wasn't the kind to hang around mages knowingly and Hawke never seemed to invite Anders to places were a lot of anti-mage people hung out. This he was of course grateful for, but he still became more and more curious as to why Hawke even spent time with the man, and why Anders truly had never seen his face before, if they'd known each other for years. 

His curiosity was soon tarnished by Fenris' lack of understanding and ridiculous claim to truth. In only two months, Anders had gone from worrying slightly that Fenris was a loose cannon, to being completely convinced that if Fenris found out about Hawke being a mage, he'd immediately call the authorities, no matter how long they had known each other. In the beginning, this thought had given Anders somewhat of an ulcer, worrying about it, but Fenris always seemed so relaxed around Hawke that seeing them together somewhat softened the blow. But after those two months he had to admit it to himself that loosing sleep over the thought meant there was clearly reason to worry. So he decided this was the time to really bring it up, once and for all.

Hawke had always liked to fuss, pay for dinners even back when he'd had no money, invite people to parties in his villa, take Anders to the movies even though Anders argued that they were both too old for cartoons. He realized, when he was sitting in the comfortable chair at a lovely little Hightown café he'd never seen before, that he really didn't mind Hawke fussing sometimes. Hawke wore his usual grin, dark curls of hair as untidy as ever and his amber eyes constantly meeting Anders', sending chills down his spine. 

“But I did tell her I could take the girl this Saturday,” he was saying, Anders so lost in listening to his voice that he hadn't actually been listening to the words spoken. “Then again I could use some assistance, if you know what I mean? You're so very good with kids,” Hawke went on and licked his lips before putting another piece of bread between them, the sight making Anders completely aware of his own lips and what it would feel like to have that red, soft tongue slip into him. It wasn't like he was denying his feelings for Hawke, at least not to himself. If Hawke had never noticed the way Anders couldn't take his eyes off him then he must have been truly distracted by something very interesting, the way Anders' eyes followed his every movement. The way Hawke's lips curved, the way he ran his hands though his hair, the way his eyes looked when he smiled, the way his strong arms moved when they went to hug him... Anders could watch him for hours and still never be satisfied. 

“...but then again, sucking cock is also good” Hawke now finished and the sudden use of that word both brought Anders back to the ground but also sent a jolt down his stomach and into his own cock. He wasn't actually sure if he'd ever heard Hawke say that word, but now he'd never be able to forget it. 

“Sorry, what?” he mumbled and felt his cheeks flush slightly as Hawke burst into one of his usual, booming laughters. 

“Welcome back,” Hawke said and wiped a tear from his eye. “I was wondering what might ground you, I see I've found the magic words!” 

Anders grinned too, feeling foolish for falling for such a cheep trick, but Hawke never did laugh mockingly when pulling jokes on Anders, it was one of the many sweet ways in which he seemed to treat Anders differently from others. Maybe he just did it because he thought Anders couldn't take it, or maybe Anders was pardoned for some other reason, but no matter why, he appreciated it in situations like this. 

“You were miles away,” Hawke then said. Now that he'd calmed down, there was obvious worry in the crease of his forehead and the much gentler tone of his voice. “Are you alright?” 

“Of course I am,” Anders assured and scratched his neck awkwardly, trying not to let his mind slip back into admiration mode at the way Hawke now looked at him. “You know me, easily distracted by your wit and charm” 

“Indeed I do,” Hawke grinned, seeming satisfied with that answer as he leaned back in his chair again. 

“There is something, though, that I've been meaning to ask you,” Anders said after a while's silence. Hawke looked up again from his plate of half eaten food, giving an “oh” sound as an indication for Anders to continue. “Well, it's about Fenris...” 

“I see, and?” Hawke nodded and his face looked less amused now, almost like he was steeling himself for a argument he'd been expecting. The change in his facials didn't bode well, and Anders contemplated changing his tactics from the more accusatory words he'd been planing to say, to something more... sympathetic. 

“I was just thinking...” Anders revised as he went and took a sip of water before continuing. “How did you meet him? He doesn't seem like the kind of man you'd hang out with on your spare time,” 

“Really?” Hawke shrugged, but there was a small sliver of a grin tugging at the side of his mouth again. The sight reassured Anders, like it always did. “And why is that?” 

“I don't know,” Anders chuckled, feeling he had a hard time proving his point when he really didn't know Fenris too well. “He seems... I know he isn't as aggressive when he's with you, I've seen the two of you talking and he seems, well, almost pleasant,” At this, Hawke laughed again and Anders, of course, couldn't help grinning himself. “I'm serious, when he's talking to other people he seems vile, to tell the truth? How come he isn't a complete ass when he's with you?” 

“Maybe I have a good effect on him, you mean?” Hawke asked and quirked an eyebrow when he met Anders' eyes. “He really isn't vile at all, if you ask me. Broody, yes. Angry, absolutely. Passionate? Yes, but then again I know other people who are passionate about their causes,” 

“And what exactly is his cause then?” Anders quickly asked, not to lose this brilliant opportunity when Hawke himself brought it up. “Because so far all I've heard is him blaming mages for the oppression of elves, and Hawke, I thought you of all people would be rubbed the wrong way...”

“Back to calling me Hawke again, I see?” Hawke grinned, interrupting, of course. 

“Don't change the subject,” Anders retorted, a bit too aggressively, while blush rose to his ears again. He'd called him Hawke for years before he finally agreed to use his first name. Most people didn't, after all. But sometimes, when he got a little bit too into what he was talking about, Anders would slip up and use the same old nickname he'd always used. That was embarrassing on its own. “I'm serious, Garrett, do you realize what a loose cannon he is?” 

“Fenris?” Hawke asked, still grinning. “Anders, he's harmless, trust me. I know him, and he wouldn't hurt me” 

“But how can you know?” Anders was frustrated. He hadn't expected more from this conversation but he felt disappointed still that he hadn't been able to convince Hawke of anything. 

“You know, I would say it's because I am an excellent judge of character” And with that, Anders knew they were done with this subject. Hawke didn't really sound annoyed, quite the opposite, as teasing and sarcastic as ever, but after so many years as close friends, Anders couldn't misinterpret the look he was given. 

“I suppose you are,” he just nodded and returned to his food. Almost immediately, Hawke started talking about something else again, and even if Anders' gut was gnawing away at him with worry, Hawke's toes poking him under the table were a distraction enough to make him smile. At least for now. If Hawke only knew what this kind of innocent flirting did to him. 

***

Somehow Hawke had made Anders promise to help him play baby sitter to his niece the following Saturday. Anders loved the girl dearly, but he really hadn't felt like spending the entire evening that close to Hawke and not even be able to stare at him without the girl constantly asking “Why are you staring at Garrett, Anders?”, which of course always seemed to make Hawke's day, in the worst possible way. It was bad enough to be close to the man and desperately wanting nothing more than to kiss him, no matter what he did. But to be close to Arlene when at the same time swooning about Hawke, that was torture. 

As he was let into the villa, however, Anders received a surprise he had not been expecting, and it wasn't a surprise he was very happy about either. Before he even entered the kitchen, he could hear the girl talking happily to someone else. Her seven-year old voice carrying through the house like bird song, followed by the low hum of the person she was with. 

“Hawke?” Anders said, once more falling back into old patterns as he gave Hawke a questioning look, a rush of warm anxiety flooding his stomach. 

“Oh, didn't I tell you this was a double date?” Hawke grinned but Anders really didn't see what was so amusing with suddenly not spending time alone with Hawke. 

“I thought it would just be the two of us?” he asked, feeling the warm sensation rise through his chest and up his neck. He couldn't help feeling disappointed. The small amount of time he got to spend alone with Hawke was never enough and every time Hawke changed his plans Anders always couldn't help but think he'd done something wrong. This time was no different. 

“You'll just have to trust me on this one,” Hawke only grinned and before Anders had a chance to answer or even calm down, Hawke opened the door to the kitchen and gestured to Anders to enter first. “Anders, this is Fenris, I believe you haven't been properly introduced in a non-alcoholic environment. Fenris, this is Anders,” 

Hawke seemed rather proud of himself as Anders sighed deeply, his heart pounding hard in his chest. Fenris looked just as uncomfortable with this arrangement as Anders felt, which was at least something. He was standing over by the kitchen island with Arlene standing on a chair next to him to be able to reach the cutting board and carrots the two of them were chopping. Strangely enough, in this environment with a child next to him, Fenris looked almost relaxed and content (if it wasn't for the annoyance that had immediately appeared in his eyes when he looked back to met Anders'). He was wearing all black, a longer cardigan and skinny joggers, his hair was casually ruffled like it usually was and when he walked up to shake Anders' hand, Anders definitely felt there was something different about him in this place. 

“Nice to meet you,” Fenris said and Anders shook his hand, of course, while Hawke looked on with a grin. Obviously, Hawke didn't notice how the anxiety made Anders' hands shake.

“Same,” Anders said, even though him and Fenris had already talked – argued – more than a dozen times over the past months.

“Well, why don't you two just get a room,” Hawke now said, preventing the moment from becoming too uncomfortable by making even more uncomfortable than it could have been. Fenris gave a snorting sound and Anders couldn't help look at him as he turned his face away, suddenly realizing just how pink a pair of elven ears could become. If it had been anyone else blushing like that, Anders would have found it adorable. As it was, he wasn't sure Fenris could ever quite fit that description. “But if not,” Hawke then continued and the sound of his grin was enough to make Anders look back at him instead, smiling, despite himself, at the way that face could light up an entire room. “I was thinking tapas, soda, popcorns and a movie, sounds good Arlene?” 

“I want ice cream!” she answered, coming around the island and grabbing Fenris' hand gently when she came up to his side. Fenris looked down to meet her eyes and even though he was still pink-eared, he smiled at her. It was the smallest smile Anders had ever seen in a person, and yet the biggest one Fenris had ever given in front of him. Strangely enough it made his face look completely different. Almost like it didn't belong to a vile person after all. 

“Ice cream it is,” Hawke nodded, hands resting on his hips. “As long as everyone wants to stick around?” 

“What do you say, Arlene?” Fenris asked her, crouching down next to her and brushing a dark strand of hair out of her face. “Do you want me and Anders to stay?” 

“Yes!” she smiled and let a small hand do the same to Fenris' hair as he'd done to hers. And just like that, Anders' plans had been decided for him. And it wasn't like he could refuse the sweet smile she gave him. He wasn't that heartless, and neither was Fenris, it seemed. 

Arlene was always a sweetheart, she always had been, just like her mother. But there was some of her uncle's mischievousness in her too, which she probably only showed when she was around his house. She made them do whatever she wanted: draw, play games and put popcorn flowers – three popcorns tied together on a string – in their hair. Anders didn't mind, he loved her, but to his continued surprise neither did Fenris. He sat there next to her on the couch, that same small smile on his face and his hands threading the needle used to make more popcorn art, listening to her endless babble as she painted popcorn green with a small brush Hawke had given her. Anders watched them for a while, unable to stop smiling himself, even though he could still feel the anxiety from earlier keeping him cold even though the room was warm and comfortable. It was hard for him to think that this was the same Fenris he'd argued with so many times, the same man that looked so terribly upset and angry every time someone came close to defend Tevinter mages. Anders supposed even he himself would condemn those mages, if asked, seeing as they treated all non-mages horrible. The problem was that Fenris seemed to believe they were horrible because they were mages, not because they were bad men in power. 

He stopped watching the two of them when Fenris looked up to meet his eyes. The smile disappeared from his face almost instantly, and even though it wasn't replaced with anger of any kind, Anders felt he had been intruding on their moment long enough. He decided, instead, to get back into the kitchen and see where Hawke had got to. The man had been gone for at least twenty minutes. 

“There you are,” Anders smiled as he caught the man red handed, with a spoon in the ice cream tub. Hawke grinned and licked the spoon before putting the tub back in the freezer. 

“I had to make sure it wasn't poisoned,” he stated happily and went back to filling the dishwasher, which Anders suspected he'd been doing before getting distracted by the ice cream. 

“I see,” Anders nodded with fake seriousness and went over to help Hawke dry off some clean wooden spoons that had been hand washed. “And was it?” 

“I suspect we'll soon find out,” Hawke answered and gave Anders' hip a gentle nudge with his own. For Anders, this kind of playfulness never went unnoticed, and it always made him feel warm and relaxed. Well, at least until the physical contact or teasing flirtations went a little bit too far, which always left him blushing, overheated and aching for a place without Hawke in it, where he could calm down and preferably take a very cold shower. This time, standing by the sink, side by side with the lights slightly dimmed and the scent of popcorn hanging in the air between them, Anders felt completely relaxed. It felt like they were a couple, washing up after dinner together, and that was truly all he'd ever wanted, at least when it came to his relationship with Hawke. Knowing they weren't actually together made him feel a twinge of sadness in his lower abdomen but right at this moment it didn't really matter. Getting to stand like this, hip to hip, fingers brushing together slightly as Hawke handed him a new object to dry off, was better than anything he could have dreamt of. 

“Anders!” Arlene called from the doorway, interrupting the moment and ripping Hawke away from him once again. Anders smiled as he turned around to face her, even as his heart slowly sank in his chest when Hawke moved towards the girl, away from him. He picked her up and she threw her arms around his neck, waving at Anders from behind Hawke's head. “Me and Fenris made you something!” she then declared and leaned back, the way children do when they want to command the grown up carrying them to turn around. 

“We did?” Fenris asked, who'd come into the kitchen behind her, holding a tray with the remnants of snacks and popcorn on it. Anders couldn't help noticing he had green glitter on his cheek. Arlene now reached for him and he obediently held the tray up so that she could reach it. “Oh,” Fenris then said when she grabbed something from it. “Wasn't that for Hawke?” 

“No,” she smiled casually and reached into the air to hold out a necklace, made entirely from painted and glittered popcorn, so that Anders could admire it. “I changed my mind! Here! It will look good on you!” 

Anders walked up to the other three, aware of Fenris green eyes on him as he approached. He met them for a short second and relaxed slightly as he realized there was no anger in them. Not that he could detect anyway. Arlene waved the necklace in front of him until he took it gently in his hands and inspected it while his own smile grew. 

“It's beautiful Arlene, thank you so much!” he then said and placed it around his neck before he gave her soft hand a kiss. The necklace was so long he could have folded it twice around his neck, but he let it hang for now, the green, sparkly popcorns resting proudly against his grey T-shirt. “You're quite the artist!” 

“What about Fenris?” Hawke grinned and both him and Arlene looked over at Fenris when they spoke. “Doesn't he deserve thanks and praise? He put his soul into this project, you can tell by the way he's really emerged himself into it,” 

Anders suppressed a chuckle as Hawke indicated to Fenris' cheek and Fenris hurried to try and wipe the glitter off his face. He didn't do a good enough job because there was still a smear of green across his cheekbone when he stopped rubbing.

“Thank you, Fenris,” Anders grinned and nodded when Fenris eventually met his eyes again. Fenris looked surprised at this, which made it worth it, to say it. “I admire your effort” 

“That's big of you Anders,” Hawke nodded, fake seriousness in his voice. He then kissed Arlene on the head and gave both Anders and Fenris one of his many dazzling smiles. “Sadly, you will have to go on praising him while I put this princess to bed,” 

“Good night, darling” Fenris smiled and Arlene immediately reached for him, like they'd done this before. He hugged her tightly, closing his eyes until she let him go to lean over in Anders' direction. He hugged her too, smiling into her hair. 

“Sleep tight, sweetie” 

“I will,” she giggled and clung tight to Hawke's body as he carried her off up the stairs, leaving Anders and Fenris alone in the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again with a new chapter! This one is more slow paced than the others, so i hope that doesn't scare you away! More will come soon :)

Anders felt awkward, standing there alone with Fenris in Hawke's kitchen, with nothing to do but wait for the man of the house to come back. He nodded gently in Fenris' general direction and turned back towards the sink to see if there was anything else he could dry off or wash. He was half expecting Fenris to leave the room, but after a few moments of silence he could hear the scraping sound of one of the high chairs by the kitchen island. Knowing Fenris was sitting right behind him, probably watching his back as Anders wiped the dishes he'd washed by hand, brought a rising, hot embarrassment to his neck and ears. He wasn't really sure why he felt embarrassed, but he suspected it had something to do with the piercing stare he knew Fenris was capable of. Knowing those eyes were following his every movement made his heart beat quicker, but he couldn't discern whether that was from anxiety or because of something else. He decided not too think too much about it and instead wiped his own hands while turning back to look at Fenris again. 

“Coffee?” he offered, very aware that this was only the third time of the evening when he'd spoken directly to Fenris, with no one else being the middle hand. 

“No, thank you,” Fenris replied, his voice a low hum in the air. “But if you're boiling water I could make some tea,” 

“Tea it is then,” Anders nodded and reached for the electric kettle, once again feeling his ears burn when he turned his back for Fenris. “You don't drink coffee?” he decided to ask, hoping to defuse some tension. 

“No,” Fenris answered in the same short way he always seemed to speak when he didn't want to talk to someone. Anders half expected him to stay quiet after that, but to his surprise Fenris kept going after a moment's pause. “I never learned, I suppose. It tastes revolting,” 

“Actually, I agree with you on that,” Anders grinned and threw a quick glance over his shoulder at Fenris, who was still watching him intently. “I can only enjoy coffee if I have a lot of milk and sugar, black coffee is only for when I really need to stay up late,” 

“I suppose coffee in chocolate can be good,” Fenris replied and Anders could hardly believe they were actually having a conversation without arguing about something. For some reason it felt almost precious, like he didn't want to screw it up. “But I don't think I could ever drink it,” 

“Don't worry,” Anders grinned as he prepared two cups by placing tea bags in them. “I'm not the kind of guy who'd try and force you to drink it,”

“I appreciate that,” Fenris said, almost sounding like he'd smiled, but by the time Anders turned towards him to lean against the counter while waiting for the water, Fenris was back to looking calm, collected and completely unmoved. “You sit down,” Fenris then said, getting out of his own chair. “I will make the tea once the water boils,” 

“You really don't have to,” Anders half protested but Fenris was already by his side, reaching for the kettle. 

“I insist,” Fenris only said and while he poured the water, Anders decided it might be better to do as he was told, instead of arguing. He sank down in the chair Fenris had vacated, which gave him a good view of the work bench and Fenris' back. They didn't say anything for a short while as Fenris poured water and let the tea steep. While they let the silence linger, Fenris went over to the fridge to fetch some milk. He placed it gently on the table and Anders couldn't help noticing the thin, white lines running all the way down his brown fingers. He'd noticed them before, Fenris had them not only on his arms and fingers but also on his neck and chin, but he hadn't lingered with his gaze on them before now. They were smooth and beautiful, almost like white liquid had been dripped down his skin. 

“Sugar?” 

Anders looked up, surprised by the sudden term of endearment, until he realized with rising shame that he'd been asked a question. He felt the warmth of anxiety bubble in his gut again, but quickly swallowed any thought that might have risen with the word, nodding at the question instead. He was sure he'd acted visibly surprised, because Fenris gave him a piercing look before moving to get it. Anders breathed out softly when he wasn't being watched anymore, calming his heart as best he could by rubbing his left index finger with his right thumb. Fidgeting usually helped as a distraction. 

“You know where it is?” Anders asked, trying to remember where he'd seen Hawke put the sugar before. But Fenris only nodded and came back over to the island, the sugar already in his hand. Apparently he'd been around the kitchen before, which wasn't really a surprise to Anders, but he still felt like if someone knew where sugar was in Hawke's apartment, it would have been him, not Fenris. Perhaps Fenris spent more time around Hawke's than Anders had realized. 

“Here,” Fenris said as he placed the cup of hot tea in front of him, the tea bag removed and the liquid a lovely, deep brown color. “I hope I didn't let it steep for too long,” 

“It's fine,” Anders assured and heaped a couple of spoons of sugar into his cup as he spoke. “I usually have so much sugar that it doesn't really matter,” 

“I can see that,” Fenris replied and this time Anders actually caught a glimpse of the fleeting smile in Fenris' face before it disappeared. Somehow it felt monumental. Even though he'd been so worried about Fenris being a bad egg, so to speak, Anders had to admit that seeing him smile like that in a dimmed kitchen, after seeing how good he was with Arlene, made it hard for him to stay worried. No wonder Hawke, gullible, trusting Hawke, was not worried about this man. He watched as Fenris added a splash of milk and some sugar to his tea, before putting the milk back in the fridge and then sitting down at the island opposite Anders. 

“You've seen Arlene before, right?” Anders asked after yet another moment's silence. At least he now had tea to focus on, the silence didn't feel quite so tense with the warm cup against his lips. “I mean, she seems used to you,”

“I suppose I have been around,” Fenris nodded and placed his cup on the table top as he spoke, slender fingers wrapped around it, pulling Anders' gaze to them, even though it made him slightly embarrassed to look. It was quite a strange place to focus your eyes when you were talking to someone, after all. “She is the kind of child that engages others around her,” Fenris then continued and Anders made himself look away from his fingers, meeting his green eyes instead. “Even someone like me”

“Someone like you?” Anders asked before thinking it through. Maybe some questions shouldn't be asked this early on, but then again Anders had never been very good at judging when to speak and when to keep his mouth shut about these kind of things. Fenris, who'd been drinking while Anders talked, now lowered his cup and their eyes met over the brim of his cup. 

“Yes, someone like me,” Fenris repeated and placed his cup back on the table, rather hard. Anders bit his lip slightly, swallowing as he realized he might have stepped on a sensitive nerve. 

“I just don't see a reason why she would treat you any differently from anyone else,” Anders hurried to add, smiling slightly as he tried to ignore the warmth of anxiety in his chest. He should have thought the question through before asking. Fenris and him had argued countless times before now, but never talked as calmly as this, on the verge of actually telling each other things. He should have known asking probing questions could bring up the defensive, angry side of Fenris he already knew so well. 

“You do not?” Fenris asked, speaking quite slowly, as if he didn't quite believe him. 

“No,” Anders admitted plainly. “I mean, she's just a child, and her mother is the most caring woman I know, so is her uncle. Why would she treat a person differently from any other?”

“I suppose you might be right,” Fenris half grunted and leaned back in his chair, seeming to relax slightly. “When she saw me the first time I expected her to be different, I don't know what I actually expected her to do but... She just took my hand and dragged me over to the couch, told me to draw her a pony and that was it,” 

“A pony?” Anders grinned, imagining the scene. It was definitely something Arlene would do. 

“She said she had never seen one,” Fenris nodded and if Anders was not mistaken, he was smiling again. “Most humans treat me differently, because of the way I look, but she only asked me if I'd ever seen a horse and if yes, could I draw one for her so she could hang it on her wall,” 

It was the longest sentence Fenris had ever said that didn't involve angry words, at least directed at Anders. It was a strange feeling to see that smile again, to see him relaxing, talking calmly in Hawke's kitchen, like they'd known each other for years, or at least not been on unfriendly terms for the last couple of months. Anders found himself quite liking the way it made him feel.

“That sounds like something she'd do, to be honest,” Anders smiled and had another sip of his tea. “The first time I met her she was just a little turd, three years old, laughing loudly at everything Hawke did,” 

“You've seen her grow up then?” Fenris asked, and Anders nodded. 

“She was here a lot in the beginning, or you know, at his old apartment. Bethany had to work a lot to make it back then, Hawke was around her so much she called him dad,” 

“Imagine Hawke as a father,” Fenris replied, grinning properly for the first time. “He'd be ridiculous,”

“Obviously,” Anders agreed and his own smile widened. “I mean, look at what he's like with Arlene whenever she's around, the way he fusses and cracks ridiculous jokes...” 

“I think he can be quite nifty,” Fenris admitted, not meeting Anders' eyes but grinning down into his cup. 

“Nifty?” Anders laughed and saw with a hint of delight how Fenris' pointed ears quickly turned a healthy shade of pink. “I suppose I could see you being into typical dad humor,” 

“Like you don't laugh at everything he says?” Fenris retorted, and although there was definite scorn in his voice, there was also a hint of teasing in it. 

“You're probably right,” Anders nodded and ignored the fact that he was blushing himself, scratching his neck awkwardly as Fenris looked back up at him. “I'm pretty obvious, aren't I?” 

“How do you mean?” Fenris' eyes were watching him curiously and Anders quickly realized he might have said too much, or at least been too suggestive. 

“Nothing,” he quickly assured and went back to drinking more of his tea as Fenris kept watching him intently. 

“Hawke tells me you moved here from Ferelden, that is when you met?” Fenris then asked, both surprising Anders with his curiosity and the fact that he started a new subject when Anders had shut him down during the earlier one. 

“That's right,” Anders confirmed and gave Fenris a small smile, trying to convey that he was happy with the fact that they were still having a civil conversation. “I moved here for work, he came knocking on my door with a gift basked, basically” 

“Sounds like him” Fenris grinned. 

“He also had an aching back that he wanted me to take a look at, for free,” Anders continued and Fenris gave him a look that conveyed the same sentiment as what he'd already said: that also sounded like Hawke. “I thought, why not? It was nice to know the neighbors realized you moved in, and even though he didn't pay me for the trouble of rubbing the kinks out of his back I suppose I got a friend for life” 

Fenris nodded, as if he understood exactly what Anders was talking about. And he probably did. Every time Anders had talked about how he met Hawke, anyone else who knew the man always had similar stories to tell. Hawke was incredibly good at making friends, staying loyal and doing what ever he could to make those closest to him feel appreciated and seen. That day when Anders had moved in to his small apartment in the lower parts of town, with the small rehabilitation clinic down at street level, he had been close to tears with exhaustion. He hadn't had any energy to unpack or wash himself, only poured some water and food for the cats and threw himself down on his bed. If it hadn't been for Hawke, he would have stayed there on the unmade bed, for at least a day or two, before starting his practice. Hawke had changed everything for him. 

“Was it long ago?” 

“Yes, almost... well, about six years ago,” Anders thought, too tired to think of the exact time. “Since then, I don't know how many times he's come asking for free back rubs...” 

“You're a masseur then?” Fenris asked, leaning back in his chair again now that he was out of tea. 

“Not quite,” Anders answered. “I work with rehabilitation, so if you have any stiff joints or broken bones I'm your guy” 

“I'll remember that,” Fenris nodded, still grinning, shockingly. 

“How about you?” Anders decided he should be allowed to ask. “Any line of work where you can expect to get moderately or seriously injured?” 

“I seriously hope not,” Fenris close to chuckled and the sound was so surprising Anders felt his chest clench, for some reason. It was a very pleasant chuckle, smooth and deep down in his throat. The kind of chuckle that warms you up from the inside, as it turned out. “I work at a shelter down town, it is fairly calm and quiet”

“Oh,” Anders replied, unsure what to say. He hadn't been expecting that someone like Fenris, who seemed so hell bent on disliking mages, to work at a shelter where at least half of the people should be exactly that. Mages, having a hard time finding employment in a system where their abilities were either counted as disadvantageous or only counted as an asset if you were extremely talented, often found themselves in the slums where they had to work at least two jobs to survive. This had been the reason Hawke's sister had had such a hard time making ends meet, since she had been found out as a mage early on in life. That Fenris worked with mages on a daily basis hadn't been something Anders would have expected. 

“Does that surprise you?” Fenris asked, his eyes intrigued.

“A little bit,” Anders admitted. “I mean, I had no idea what you'd want to work with, so I suppose I should have kept and open mind”

“What would you have guessed, if you had to?” Fenris grinned. 

“Oh no, don't ask me that!” Anders protested and shook his head. “I have no idea what I thought? I hardly even knew you, or know you now, how could I possibly guess something like that?” 

“If your life depended on it?” Fenris insisted and folded his arms across his chest, a grin on his lips that made him look more challenging than Anders had ever seen him before. 

“You are horrible,” Anders sighed but made sure to smile, not to make Fenris worry he'd said something wrong. Not that Fenris would have given him the same courtesy if their roles had been reversed. “Well, if you insist...” he then continued and thought for a moment. “I think it would be either a professional hitman, that way you get to off people you don't like, or a number cruncher at an office, which is why you're always so broody, because you're frustrated at how boring your life is,”

“I see,” Fenris said and seemed to take this into consideration. “I could see me as a hitman, but a person working in an office?” 

“I told you I hadn't really thought about it,” Anders smiled. “And now that you point it out, it probably wasn't one of my better guesses” 

“Then we agree,” Fenris nodded. 

“For once” Anders added. Fenris met his eyes at this, giving him a look he didn't understand and before he managed to figure out what it meant, Fenris lowered his gaze to his empty cup. 

“I better wash these off before Hawke comes back down,” he said and got up before Anders had the time to speak. He reached for his cup and Anders gave it too him, watching him fuss for a while by the sink until both cups were washed and dried. Anders had almost drifted off into his own little world, thinking about tomorrow's patients and what was taking Hawke so long, when Fenris spoke again, his back still turned. “I never expected to get along with a mage” 

The comment hit Anders like a ball of ice in his chest and he was immediately brought back to the dimmed kitchen and the narrow frame of Fenris in front of him. He'd heard the words but since he'd been distracted, he hadn't noticed the tone in Fenris' voice when he'd said it. Now, no matter how hard he tried to recall what he'd sounded like, he couldn't possibly remember. The well known burn of anxiousness started rising in him again, but this time because he always thought he was so careful, always tried to cover his tracks. Given, he had argued with Fenris about mage rights before, but he was always careful not to let it slip that he himself was a mage. Had he not been careful enough? His mind was racing though the evening's conversation, every word, every look. Had he known all this time? How could he have figured out...

Had Hawke told him? 

Anders dug his nails into his palms, hard, trying to make his hands stop shaking. Hawke wouldn't have done that, would he? He was a mage himself, why would he have put Anders in danger like that. 

“Nobody told me,” Fenris suddenly said and his voice was a lot more gentle than Anders had expected. “And you're not obvious, not really” 

“Then how..?” 

“I just know,” Fenris replied shortly and for a moment Anders thought he might have seen him rub the thin white lines running over the back of his hand when he spoke. “I also know about Hawke,” Fenris then continued and Anders heart hammered so hard against his ribcage that he thought he might pass out. “And Bethany, and Arlene,” 

“Arlene..?” Anders managed to ask, trying not to stutter her name. He didn't know she was a mage? How could Fenris know?

“Don't worry,” Fenris sighed, finally turning back to look at Anders. His eyes were serious but not hateful, his features relaxed but his forehead slightly wrinkled under his white hair. Anders couldn't look away from him, even though he felt physically ill from the knowledge that someone who wasn't a mage, someone so unpredictable and unknown to him as Fenris, knew about what he was. 

“Don't worry about what?” Hawke suddenly asked as he came walking back in through the kitchen door. “What have I missed? You aren't fighting, are you?” 

“Not at all,” Fenris answered and his face visibly brightened at the sight of Hawke. Even in this anxious state, Anders realized there was no hatred at all in those green eyes when they fell on Hawke. “But I think I might have stepped over the line. Anders, I am sorry to bring that up in the way I did”

“It's alright,” Anders said, swallowing as much of his anxiety as he could in one go. “I'm just not used to someone just bringing that up out of the blue” 

“What are we talking about?” Hawke insisted, looking thoroughly eager to find out what they'd been talking about. But Fenris only grinned and tilted his head gently to the side as Hawke looked back and forth between him and Anders. 

“Nothing, Hawke,” he said, and Anders could truly hear the amusement in his voice. “It is mine and Anders' secret”

Anders wasn't sure this was a good secret to keep, but when he looked up to meet Fenris' eyes, Fenris was smiling back at him and the amusement was gone from his face. Instead he looked gentle again, like he really hadn't meant to frighten the shit out of Anders. No matter his intentions, Anders heart was still pounding furiously in his chest and by the time he left the villa even the thought of Hawke's smile couldn't calm him down.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back with a new chapter! thank you for waiting patiently while I was sick and also wrote an essay! hopefully that won't happen again anytime soon and I hope this chapter is satisfactory! 
> 
> A note on Anders: the thought behind his worries and anxiety is that he has bpd (borderline personality disorder) which is why he acts in certain ways. If anyone has any questions about that then don't hesitate to ask :)

It had taken Anders many sleepless nights and long hours in the clinic to successfully process what had happened between him and Fenris in Hawke's kitchen. First he had convinced himself that all Fenris had wanted was to let him know that he didn't have to worry, then he had moved into a state where he was completely convinced of the opposite: that Fenris had pointed out he knew about Anders and Hawke and the others being mages to scare him, make him uncomfortable and therefore more fun to play with. It had taken Anders at least three weeks before he arrived at the conclusion that he just didn't have enough evidence of either theory to be sure. 

He didn't want to be completely obvious with his worries, not this time. Because if Fenris was doing this to get to him and make him scared then Anders was determined to make sure the elf had no reason to suspect his plan was working. He also didn't want Hawke to find out about his worries again, seeing as the man had been in a very good mood since the evening with the two of them had gone so well. He kept bringing it up, whenever he spent time with Anders, how nice he thought it was to know that him and Fenris weren't fighting anymore and how he was looking forward to all three of them spending time together again. Anders smiled and nodded at these comments but quickly changed the subject. He was hoping Hawke was right, but his own anxious thoughts never left him alone, as usual. 

One of the reasons it was hard to get Fenris alone, was that he seemed to work just as much as Anders did, and usually doing the nights, which was when Anders at least tried to sleep. He'd even been by Fenris' home, a rather shabby looking house which had been divided into apartments quite a while back. No one had answered when he rung the door bell, not in Fenris' apartment or any of the others. Anders didn't dare go by his work, seeing as he didn't quite feel like starting an argument in the middle of a shelter. 

But then one day, as Anders was closing up downstairs, washing his hands in the clean sink next to his desk in the back room, a brilliant opportunity arose. He was just about to go lock the front door, when a woman appeared in the dusk, slowly making her way across the road outside to walk up the front steps to the clinic. She was wearing a shawl over her head and her face was bowed to the ground. Anders could see with every step she took exactly where her pain originated from, and that she'd suffered for a long time. Even if he'd been looking forward to a hot bath and a cuddle from one of his cats when he came back upstairs to his apartment, he couldn't let this woman wait. 

“Come in,” he smiled widely as he opened the door for her, meeting a pair of big green eyes as she walked passed him. “I was about to close up, but I'll make an exception for you”

“Oh, you really don't have to” she protested and stopped, half way through the room, looking back at him with an outraged look on her face. 

“None of that talk,” Anders assured and gestured for her to walk through the reception room and into a small room to the side where he had his massage table. He dimmed the lights as he entered behind her, pulling out a comfortable armchair for her to sit in before he sat down opposite her in an equally comfortable one. “Let me guess,” he then smiled. “Lower back pain, trouble to move your hip joints?” 

“Y-yes,” she replied and nodded as she spoke. “I was told to come here for help, but I don't have any...” she trailed off and let her gaze sink to her hands in her lap. 

“No payment necessary,” Anders assured and tried to meet her eyes. “It's after closing, so I'm doing this on my spare time, for a friend”

“Me? A friend?” she mumbled and looked up momentarily, taking in the expression on his face before smiling slightly while dropping her shawl, revealing a pair of pointed ears and blond hair put up in a bun. “That's such a strange thing to say...” 

“Is it?” Anders asked, making sure to keep smiling. “I don't think so,” he continued. “I'm suspecting a friend of yours told you to come here for help?”

“Yes” she nodded and her gaze seemed to be getting used to meeting his. 

“May I ask who it was?” he asked gently. He wasn't always sure who referred patients to him. Sometimes he knew Hawke would meet someone at work, or send some children his way when he realized they'd been hurt. Sometimes Aveline Vallen came over, dragging a colleague with her, usually suffering from something she'd inflicted herself. On rare occasions Isabela sent someone over too, but they were usually suffering from injuries Anders wouldn't have been able to heal without magic and he had to immediately refer them to the hospital. This time, however, he had a sneaking suspicion who was behind this evening visit. 

“There is a man who works down at the shelter,” the woman answered and Anders couldn't help smiling slightly. He was still unsure about Fenris, but for him to start referring clients to Anders' clinic seemed to at least be somewhat of an olive branch. Besides, it was the right thing of him to do, because this woman had clearly been suffering for years. 

“I think I know who you're talking about,” Anders helped out, understanding that she might not want to say much more, afraid she might get the man in trouble. “Sour looking elven gentleman, white hair, green eyes, tattoos?”

“I'm not sure about the sour looking,” the woman smiled but nodded non the less. “But yes, him”

“Ah, well, then I know him” Anders confirmed. “Perhaps I've only seen him on bad days” he then grinned before helping her up on the massage table and turning on some relaxing music. The woman was one of those clients who didn't speak much during sessions, and that wasn't a problem for Anders. He had a lot going on in his mind, so some quiet time while working with his hands was only good for him. Usually when someone came in, depending on their level of pain and injury, he used a mixture of elfroot and spindleweed to relieve pain, tension and inflammation. Sometimes he did use magic, but in such small quantities that most non-mages would never notice. He'd learned how to do that at a young age, hide his magic from view but using it for other people's well-being in secret. 

As he stood there, his hands flowing with just a tinge of magic, palms warm from elfroot potion, his thoughts were miles away. Fenris had done right by this woman, probably suspecting Anders wouldn't turn her away even if she didn't have any money. He'd trusted Anders to take care of her, that must mean something? Or maybe Fenris was just testing him with this woman, somehow trying to prove a point or make sure to get Anders into trouble? Maybe he wanted to see if Anders would actually help her or turn her away at the door? What if Fenris didn't trust him to help her at all. Was that what he was thinking of him? Was he using this woman to see if Anders cared..? An anxious worry was growing inside him by the time he finished up and went to wash his hands in his office, the woman getting dressed in the other room. He couldn't help it, the thoughts rumbling around in his mind like a storm cloud. 

“Are you sure I don't owe you anything?” the woman asked as he saw her to the door. 

“I am sure,” Anders nodded and leaned slightly against the side of the door as she passed him by. He could see already in the way she walked that her hip and lower back were not at all as painful as they had been when she arrived. “And you really should come back here in a week or so, there are still things I could do to help you” 

“Thank you, Mr Thekla” she smiled gently and Anders fought against himself for a short moment not to let her see the surprise in his eyes and the moment of pain fleeting across his face as she said that.

“Anders, please” he insisted. “And you are more than welcome”. Her smile widened slightly and he was pleased. She'd gone from being shy, timid and unwilling to meet his eyes to actually looking at him, smiling, in just over an hour. He was glad she was able to relax more around him after such a short amount of time. It meant he could probably help her in more ways than one. He was just about to say something final, like “goodbye” or “I'll see you soon” when he noticed her eyes moving towards the darkness in the alley next to her and her smile slowly vanished. There was a glimmer of fear in her eyes now, a fear Anders couldn't ignore. 

“You know what,” he decided to say and reached for the black coat he had hanging by the door. It wasn't his usual one but he always left it there for emergencies, like the time he saw a freezing kitten out in the snow. “I need to make my way to a friend's, do you want to walk with me? I have to walk past the shelter anyway”

“Really?” she asked, hopefully, not seeing through his haphazardly invented excuse to walk her through the dark streets and deliver her safely to the shelter doors.

“Really,” he confirmed and wrapped the red scarf, which had been stuffed into the pocket of the coat, around his neck before stepping outside and locking up. “As long as you don't mind my company?” 

“No, of course not” she smiled as she buttoned her own coat and draped her shawl back over her head. Anders offered her his arm to hold on to, which she did, gently, as they walked down the narrow street, into the darkness of the city. 

They didn't have a very long way to walk, but with the woman's slightly slower steps due to pain, Anders didn't want to risk quickening their pace. Instead he tried to keep an eye around them, not in a nervous way of course, there was no need to worry her, but in this part of town you could never be too careful. Unless you were Garrett Hawke, of course, Anders thought with a grin and shook his head. Hawke would have torn through these dark streets while talking at the top of his lungs, waking every bad egg and angry neighbor with his rumbling laughter, brightening every corner with his smile. Thinking about Hawke here, in this dodgy, dark alley might not be the best idea, because it distracted him from making sure they were both alright. Anders returned his attention to the road ahead but even ten minutes later when they were arriving at the Shelter, the smile was still lingering on his lips. 

“Thank you again, Anders” the woman smiled as she turned in the doorway, yellow light and the low hum of voices reaching Anders from inside as she pushed the door open behind her back. “I will be back another time?” 

“Absolutely,” Anders nodded and waved at her as she walked inside. 

As soon as the door closed, the light from inside quickly vanished and the warm sound of conversation was muffled to almost nothing. Anders took a deep breath, the old anxiety returning as he rubbed his left palm with his right thumb. He'd come this far and could just as well walk right in there and see if Fenris was available. On the other hand, Fenris might hate him and wish him dead. Who knew what went on in that man's mind? Even though it was highly unlikely that Fenris would in fact hate him enough to want him dead, especially after the nice conversation they'd had at Hawke's villa before the whole mage comment, the thought was still in there, making his mind race and his pulse quicken. 

He wanted to walk in there, at least a small part of him did. He wanted to ask Fenris about what he meant with sending the woman over to him, wanted to confront him about his view of him, ask if the fact that Fenris knew he was a mage had changed the way he thought about Anders. He wasn't sure why this had bothered him so much. He hardly knew Fenris to begin with. But sitting with the man, talking over a cup of tea, had felt... good. Anders had understood now that there must be something deeper within Fenris than he'd let himself believe before. Hawke might surround himself with a rag tag team of friends but there was always good reason behind earning Hawke's trust and Fenris must have earned it somehow. The thought made Anders both curious and almost jealous. For someone like Fenris, who was angry, stubborn and more than once had an angry outburst about Tevinter mages, to have gained the trust of someone like Hawke...

He hugged his arms around himself and turned away from the door, shaking his head. He hadn't thought much about it until now, but the way Fenris had acted with Arlene, the way he'd gone for the milk and the sugar like he knew exactly where to find everything in Hawke's kitchen... Anders had never thought about that with anyone else in Hawke's life before, not when Hawke's friend Merrill cooked them lunch that time Hawke was sick or the time Isabela fetched wine from the hidden cupboard behind the pantry. None of those times had made Anders cringe the way the thought of Fenris in that kitchen did. The man had gone from being a bother at parties and a worry for Hawke's safety to suddenly knowing his way about Hawke's every day life, his family, his home. Even though Hawke wasn't Anders' and probably never would be, the idea of him being close to Fenris of all people brought bubbles of discomfort and pain into Anders chest, along with the fear that now when Hawke seemed to hold Fenris so close, how long would it take for him before he realized Anders was less intriguing company to keep..? 

The thoughts were flooding his mind now, making him pale and weak as he slumped against the wall opposite the Shelter entrance. He hated this, how his feelings for Hawke made him frustrated and sad but more so how his anxiety and fear of being left alone, forgotten and ignored made him distance himself from everyone he cared about in order to spare himself more heartache later. If he was feeling this bad about Fenris being close to Hawke, then how come he was never strong enough to tell Hawke what he felt, whatever that was? How come whenever he was filled with warmth just by looking into Hawke's eyes he could never tell him..? And how come Fenris, of all people, was the one who made Anders wish he had told Hawke about his own feelings long ago..?

“Anders?” came the deep, familiar voice from behind his back and Anders drew a quick breath in surprise, gripping the stone wall in front of him harder without turning around to face Fenris just yet. “Orana said you came with her here, I was not sure if you had already left.” There was a note of hesitation in his voice that Anders hadn't quite heard before, or at least not that he could remember. Fenris sounded almost worried. Anders pushed his fingertips into the stone, closing his eyes hard to calm his heartbeat. He wasn't willing to let anyone see him like this, least of all Fenris, especially not when he sounded almost like he cared. 

“Yes,” Anders finally managed to answer, not sure what he was saying but convinced it was better to talk than stay silent. “Well, I was just about to leave”

“You do not have to,” Fenris replied, still with that hint of worry in his voice that made Anders both furious and doubtful. If Fenris had meant him harm by pointing out he knew about his magic or by sending him a woman who couldn't pay for herself, why would he let his voice be this soft, this gentle at a time when Anders obviously wasn't being himself. “If you want to come in and...” 

“And what?” Anders asked as he quickly turned to face Fenris, realizing too late that his voice sounded too upset and his sudden movement probably made it look that he might take a swing at him, because Fenris backed away from him, eyes narrowing and concern replaced with guarded care. “Come in and have a cup of tea? Perhaps talk about some more interesting things before you tell everyone what you know about me?” The accusation was clear not only in his words but his voice rang with it too. He half expected Fenris to just turn on his heal and stalk off, like he usually did when discussions didn't go his way at parties. But he didn't. Instead his green eyes stayed with Anders', searching his face for a moment, probably taking in his sweaty forehead and shaking breaths. Panic in public always left him terribly flustered and nauseous, and there was no doubt in his mind that Fenris' keen eyes wouldn't miss every sign of it in his features. 

“Is that truly what you think of me?” he said after an excruciating moment of silence and Anders couldn't even reply. His surprise at the fact that Fenris had neither walked away nor become ten times angrier than Anders had sounded, made him stand there and just blink slowly at the man until Fenris spoke again, almost in a whisper. “Hawke said this might happen...” 

“What?” Anders asked, all anger gone from his voice, leaving it small and weak, hovering in the air between them. Fenris looked slightly startled at the question, as if his last comment hadn't been meant for Anders' ears. Maybe he hadn't even meant to say it out loud. 

“No, I just... Hawke told me I come off cold,” Fenris then replied and slowly turned his face away, almost as if ashamed of this face. “I never meant to seem like that.” Anders didn't know what to say to this and stayed quiet, his heart still hammering hard in his chest and his knees weak and soggy beneath him. He was hardly believing what he was seeing as Fenris reached to scratch his neck below the white strands of his hair, his green eyes still watching the ground. “Please come inside and sit down? I.. I think we need to talk” 

Anders waited until Fenris looked back up at him before he agreed with a nod. He'd never seen Fenris like this, apologetic and evading, and he was pretty sure he'd never gotten a please either. His own thoughts were still rumbling around in his mind, worry about Hawke and anger at Fenris momentarily replaced with curiosity concerning who Fenris really was and why he seemed to suddenly care what Anders thought of him. 

Fenris hesitated for a moment, seeming to consider whether Anders could walk by himself or not, but Anders quickly straightened his back and took his weight off of the wall. Having Fenris' worried eyes on him was somewhat unnerving, and he'd rather Fenris didn't look at him like that at all. They made their way in through the door only a moment later, Fenris holding it open while Anders passed him by. He could have sworn Fenris still had that perplexing, worried look on his face, but Anders tried to ignore it, even though it made him feel weird and uncomfortable for reasons he couldn't explain. 

“Follow me,” Fenris said, his voice subdued now that they were inside, and Anders did as he was told. They walked through a narrow corridor, passing a couple of open doors that seemed to lead into big rooms where people could spend time together. One room looked like some sort of day room, another was a dining area fitted with long tables and plenty of chairs. Anders watched with curiosity but the anxiousness still gnawed at his core and he had a hard time taking his eyes off of the smaller frame in Fenris in front of him. “In here,” Fenris then nodded and opened a door to a smaller room, furnished with a couple of couches and chairs, a bookshelf and a small table to the side with a coffee thermos and tea bags. “Please sit,” 

Anders did so in one of the blue couches, noticing how worn yet comfortable they were, before watching Fenris pour warm water into two mugs over by the table. Apparently the man remembered how Anders took his tea, because without asking Anders about it, Fenris poured both milk and an extensive amount of sugar into what Anders suspected was his cup.

“We use this room as a calm zone,” Fenris explained as he approached the couch Anders had picked, placing the cups on the table between them. “Some of the parents here need some peace and quiet, so they come here to read or breast feed or whatever they might need to do,” 

“You have many families here?” Anders asked, mostly to make conversation as he stirred the plastic spoon in his cup. 

“Some, they come and go, most come here for a hot meal and a shower, but some stay longer,” Fenris explained and sank down into an armchair opposite Anders, watching him so intently Anders couldn't help meeting his eyes. “Do you really think I would tell people?” The question was asked calmly and there was no anger in his eyes but Anders still felt chills run down his spine.

“I'm not sure,” he then admitted and broke eye contact. “Why wouldn't you? I mean, you don't know me and you would lose nothing if you told people about me? And you've made your view of mages quite clear...” 

“You think I would not lose anything?” Fenris asked, a dark eyebrow lifted in calm surprise. “What about the friends who would be outraged? You think Hawke's friendship matters that little to me?”

“I don't know,” Anders shrugged but felt bad immediately after saying it. He knew perfectly well that someone who valued their relationship with Hawke would be devastated to lose his trust. At least Anders would be. He couldn't stand the thought of losing Hawke, him assuming Fenris didn't care about that was probably more telling about who Anders was than Fenris. 

“It might come as both a surprise and a relief to you then, that I have no intention of telling anyone what I know about you, or Hawke for that matter,” Fenris replied and drank from his own cup of tea, the sight seeming almost familiar to Anders after the last time they'd been sitting like this, drinking together. If he wasn't feeling so bad about accusing Fenris of something, which right now felt ridiculous to even have thought for a second, Anders would have felt quite comfortable, just as he had in Hawke's kitchen. “He cares a lot about you, and since he values your friendship I think it would be unfriendly of me not to do the same, even more so to hand you over to the authorities” 

“You want to.. value my friendship, then?” Anders asked carefully, uncertain if he'd heard it correctly and to his surprise Fenris smiled slightly at this. 

“Is that such a shock to you?” 

“I suppose so, yes” Anders grinned slightly and felt some of the knot of anxiety untie itself in his gut. Sure, he couldn't be completely convinced Fenris wasn't pulling his leg until he got some kind of proof of it, but the smile still lingering in Fenris' face was enough to reassure him at least a bit. “I mean, it's not what I would have expected, after all the fights we've been in” 

“They were good fights, though” Fenris said and it took Anders a couple of seconds before he realized Fenris had actually been sarcastic. That rare glimmer was in his green eyes and Anders had to just look at him for a moment longer, taking in the way Fenris' entire face changed when he grinned like that. 

“I suppose so,” he then agreed and drank some more of his tea, just to hide his own fascination. 

“So what do you say?” Fenris then asked, seeming to take the chance when Anders was drinking. “Any chance we could try to, I don't know, not hate each other?” 

“Not hate each other?” Anders repeated, not able to help himself. “I thought you talked about valuing my friendship just now?” 

“I was thinking baby steps” Fenris answered back, grinning more this time, which made it impossible for Anders not to do the same. 

“Alright,” he agreed and raised his cup of tea as if in honor of this new arrangement. “Let's not hate each other, then” 

“Good” Fenris nodded and raised his cup as well, the twinkle in his eye still there. “I think this might make more than us happy” 

“You mean Hawke?” Anders asked and received an affirmative nod before the door opened and a child rushed into the room with his eyes set on Fenris. Anders watched as the man smiled down at the little one before the boy crawled up into his lap with a picture book in hand. 

“You promised” the boy said decidedly and Fenris only shot Anders a quick almost apologetic glance before he turned his full attention to the boy in his lap. 

“Alright Cricket,” he mumbled into the small boy's red hair. “What book did you pick out for us today?” 

Anders sat there, watching and listening as Fenris read a picture book about a stray cat to the boy, Anders enjoying the way Fenris' deep voice vibrated though the air as the boy slowly fell asleep against Fenris' chest. Anders smiled as the boy's head nodded sleepily, Fenris reading softer and softer with every sentence to lull the child into a deep sleep. 

“I'm sorry,” Fenris eventually whispered as the boy gave a soft snore in Fenris' arms. “He has a hard time falling asleep if no one tells him a story and his mother isn't...” Fenris' voice trailed off as he looked down at the small child, a fondness in his eyes that was a marvel to see.

“Don't worry,” Anders whispered back and got up when Fenris did. “Do you need some help?” 

“No,” Fenris assured and gently tightened his arms around the boy while steadying himself on his feet. “I'll manage” 

“I'll see myself out,” Anders smiled and was happy to receive a smile back from Fenris in return. “Let me know if you need help, with, well, anything around here” Anders then offered before he moved towards the door. “Or if someone else needs some help with pain relief”

“Thank you” Fenris mouthed and Anders decided to leave before their conversation woke the kid up again. 

He wasn't quite sure what had happened there, in their short conversation, but as he made his way back towards the clinic through the darkness, every breath he took was calmer, every beat of his heart felt lighter and more easier to carry. His entire day, even the weeks since his first cup of tea with Fenris, had been confusing and filled with contradictory thoughts. He hoped from now on he might be able to see the man in a different light, and maybe even grow to trust him, seeing as he was one of the few who knew who he truly was, magic and all. If anything it was as Fenris said, at least Hawke would be happy they'd made up. And who didn't want to make that man happy?


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a very long time since Anders had felt his life was running smoothly, the clinic open and fully booked, no cat angry at him for lack of cuddles, not – or at least a smaller amount of – worries about whether or not he was loved by his friends, enough time spent with Hawke that even though they could never be more than just good friends, Anders was happy. Because if you asked Anders, he was truly happy, something he hadn't felt in years. 

After his second tea with Fenris it took another week before he really trusted what had happened between them. He'd gone about his business and people had been flooding the clinic in bigger bunches, now that spring was in the air and people realized how stiff they were after yet another cold winter. Anders had tried not to overthink his and Fenris' meeting but that had been close to impossible, of course. However, despite the ever nagging worry that Fenris had only said those, well, kind things to him in an attempt to trick him, Anders was quite sure, most of the time, that he might have discovered a friend beneath that stern, angry face. And he'd always felt he was in a short supply of friends. 

Hawke had been the one to seal the deal though, the one who truly convinced Anders it had all really happened. After that one week of going about his own business, trying not to bother anyone by keeping to himself and still hoping someone would search him out to prove that they were there for him, Hawke had tumbled into his clinic with a particularly strong spring wind, hair ruffled and the biggest grin on his face. Before Anders could tell him he was about to close up and even before he had the chance to say the man's name, Hawke had grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into one of his warm hugs for at least a minute or two. 

“Is it true?” he then asked, completely without contexts as he pulled back, hands still firmly gripping Anders' shoulders but not hard enough to hurt. 

“Is what true?” Anders asked back, so happy Hawke had not forgotten him that he couldn't stop smiling just at the sight of him. This obviously wasn't a rare thing, the sight of Hawke always made him smile, no matter the circumstances. “Honestly, Garrett, you need to start giving me context to your questions, how am I supposed to know what you're on about?” 

“Fenris, of course!” Hawke eagerly exclaimed and Anders sighed, he should have known. 

Hawke had always wanted all his close friends to also find friendship in each other. This worked, most of the time, as his friends were usually quite open and talkative people, unlike a certain elf they both knew. Merrill worked together with Hawke at the school, and just like him, she was wonderful with children which meant she was wonderful with most adults too. Her and Anders hadn't always seen eye to eye on the subject of magic, but she was a sweet woman and most Hawke's other friends adored her. Varric was no question. Hawke hadn't even introduced the man, he'd sort of just fit right in, so to speak. He even invited Anders to his card games, which he had tried to attend as often as possible until Fenris had started attending too. After that, Anders had tried to come up with excuses not to go, as him and Fenris more often than not ended up in heated arguments over nothing, almost like all they could do was argue when what they wanted was to talk. Aveline and her husband Donnic were nice enough people and seemed quite close with the rest of Hawke's friends, but Anders never quite felt relaxed enough around members of the police, considering that he was an unregistered mage and all that. Isabela was, well, Isabela, and Anders had known her before his move to Kirkwall, back when they were both younger. She came to his clinic sometimes, either to talk about old times or to help him clean up in silence, exchanging meaningful looks as they both pondered life's big questions. She was also the only one who truly knew about what Anders felt for Hawke... he'd let it slip in a weak moment on the couch and she had not let it go since. 

Now Hawke was standing there, beaming at him with his hazel eyes locked onto Anders and his dimples showing through his rough beard. The sight was priceless and Anders would give just about anything for Hawke to look at him like this for the rest of his life. Anders nodded at the exclaimed words and tried his best not to look away from Hawke in embarrassment. 

“It wasn't like we talked our hearts out and decided on a secret handshake” he then hurried to explain and gave a soft shrug. Hawke's large hands were warm and comforting against his aching shoulders and if he'd had the courage he would have asked for help with his back pain because he knew form experience how skilled Hawke was with his hands. Of course, Anders didn't have the experience with those hands that he might have wanted, but he knew Hawke could find kinks and aching muscles effortlessly if he tried. “We only agreed to not be unfriendly”

“What?” Hawke asked in mock disappointment and made a pouting face. “No secret handshake? Have I taught you nothing of making friends, Anders?” 

“Clearly not enough” Anders said apologetically and let a shiver run down his spine, like it always did when Hawke said his name. “I shall ask him about figuring out our secret handshake next time I see him” he then added, amused by the affirmative nod Hawke gave him. 

“Sounds good enough to me” Hawke replied and dug his fingers slightly into Anders shoulders, giving him a searching look for a second or so, before letting him go. The loss of his hands almost made Anders feel even more heavy than he'd been before. He wished there was something he could have done to make Hawke stay like that, with his hands on him, even if it was only his hands on his shoulders. “You closing up” Hawke then asked and Anders nodded, moving away from him to prevent himself from thinking foolish things, or Maker forbid, acting on foolish impulses. 

“I had some late customers today,” he explained and shot Hawke a smile when he realized Hawke was still watching him. “And tomorrow is my first day off in a week, so I thought it would be nice to clean up now and not have to do it in the morning for once”

“Sounds like a good plan” Hawke nodded and leaned against the wall to the side, to be out of Anders' way, no doubt. 

He watched Anders for a while, making Anders flustered whenever he looked up to meet those grinning eyes. Anders had wondered, especially these days, whether Hawke knew what Anders felt for him or not. Sometimes he just grinned in that knowing way, as if he held all the secrets in the universe and Anders never ending crush on him was one of them. The thought of Hawke knowing was both terrifying and thrilling, but if Anders found out Isabela had told Hawke, she'd regret it for the rest of her life. Anders didn't like thinking about it though, because if Hawke truly knew but still never acted on his knowledge, what did that say about Hawke's feelings towards Anders? That they weren't returned, right? So, Anders went about his own business, pretending he wasn't hoping beyond hope that Hawke would one day figure him out and by some otherworldly magic would feel the same for him and scoop him up into his warm arms in a completely different way than before. 

“Although,” Hawke suddenly said and Anders stopped wiping the greeting desk with the cloth he'd fetched from the cleaning cupboard. “I could think of a number of other things that would be more fun doing on your first evening off”

“Is that so?” Anders asked, shaking his head with a smile before putting the cloth back in the cupboard and washing his hands in the sink. It's not like he had anything else planned and if Hawke was about to suggest they'd spend the evening together, even if it was around other people, Anders wouldn't say no, not this time. 

“For example, you could hang out with me?” Hawke suggested, the grin he sent his way making Anders' stomach hurt as butterflies filled him up. “A glass of wine, maybe? Some pasta right out of the pan? Cat hair in our throats... what do you say?”

“You're inviting yourself for dinner?” Anders grinned, his cheeks starting to hurt from all this smiling. 

“If it's not too much trouble?” Hawke added, fake worry in his face. He knew he was always welcome whenever he came knocking on Anders' door. “I'll even pay for the wine, I promise” 

“Alright then” Anders said after pausing for a moment, pretending to think the offer through properly while enjoying Hawke's eyes on him as he thought. “But only because you're getting the wine” 

“I'll get you your favorite!” Hawke exclaimed and threw his arms out to his sides as if Anders had just agreed to make his biggest dreams come true. 

“You better!” Anders called after the man as Hawke hurried out the door, wanting to make it to one of the more high end stores in time before closing, no doubt. Anders stood there for a while, grinning still as he thought of Hawke and his silly face, before he realized he should probably keep cleaning until the man got back from the store. 

It only took Hawke an hour, which wasn't too bad when he had to run across half the city and back to get the wine he was looking for. By the time he came knocking on Anders' front door, Anders had managed to slip out of his work clothes and into a pair of black jeans and a T-shirt with a cat's face on it, which Hawke had given to him on his last birthday. It wasn't his most comfortable clothes but they'd have to do. No matter how relaxed he felt around Hawke, there were parts of his wardrobe, specifically part of his stay-home-on-the-couch-with-a-cat-in-his-lap-collection, that he'd best keep to himself. 

“Honey, I'm home!” Hawke called from the hallway, before Anders had even made it to the door. 

His habit of not locking up properly after himself had thankfully only been used against him by Hawke. He hoped no one else would come to realize his front door stood unlocked most of the time when he was home. As it was now, Anders stopped in his tracks, hidden by the wall separating his bedroom from the hallway, his heart pounding heavily in his chest. He knew Hawke was joking, knew he was being the silly man he'd always been, but as Anders closed his eyes he felt both warm in his chest and cold as chills ran down his spine. He longed for it to be real, Hawke returning home from work, to him, to their home. Behind closed lids he could see it, hear Hawke's footsteps sneak over wooden floors, hear his chuckle as his strong arms closed round Anders waist, feel his lips against his neck. The thought was excruciatingly vivid and he felt a shudder deep within him, which scared him more than he could explain to himself. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, exiting the room and fighting for the life of him to leave his feelings behind. Nothing good could come from desperately wanting something, someone, that he could never have. 

“How was work, sweetheart?” Anders replied, crossing his arms with a half forced grin that turned into a real one when he saw Hawke sneaking around in the living room, no doubt looking for him. There was no chance Anders could stay upset when Hawke looked completely silly. 

“Oh it was marvelous, darling” Hawke grinned, and straightened his back from where he seemed to have been searching for Anders underneath the living room table. When Anders thought about it, Hawke might actually have been looking for one of the cats. 

“I can't believe anyone counts you as a grown up, really” Anders half chuckled and shook his head before tearing his eyes away from Hawke, beautiful, ridiculous Hawke, to head into the kitchen to boil some water for the pasta. 

“I'll have you know I am a perfectly respectable member of the adult society” Hawke said as he entered the room behind Anders, placing a bottle of wine on the small breakfast table in front of the window. “You can ask anyone” 

“I'll make sure to call your mother later then” Anders teased and felt a warm surge in his stomach when Hawke reached out to nudge him in the side with two fingers. “Because I don't think your father would be much help in the matter” 

“Oh, you're insinuating my father isn't an adult either, then?” 

“Precisely so” Anders nodded and shot a quick smile over his shoulder to meet those happy eyes. “Now, pour me a glass of wine or I'll reconsider letting you into my apartment” 

“Ah, but you didn't let me in, did you?” Hawke asked as he pushed gently at Anders to move him from where he stood in front of the cupboard with glasses. “I broke in, all by myself” 

“You're horrible” Anders mumbled, the smile still on his lips as he moved over. Hawke only laughed and poured them wine, making jokes for the duration of the cooking time while Anders only shook his head, half listening, half focusing on the food while Hawke's voice filled the room. Usually the apartment was quiet, or maybe filled with music Anders put on to try and drown out the silence. But Hawke's voice was quite a different kind of sound, filling every corner of the room with warmth, a warmth Anders had been missing for years. As he sank down on the sofa, Hawke still talking about his job and how the kids he worked with had all made him so proud, Anders only smiled, letting the heat of Hawke's voice fill him up from his chest and down into his toes. 

“So tell me, when can I look forward to seeing you and Fenris in the same room again?” Hawke grinned and wiggled his eyebrows over the rim of his glass when Anders met his eyes. “I rather enjoyed the look of the both of you, sitting there at the table together, it looked very cozy” 

“Oh shut up” Anders half mumbled, looking away from the intense stare he was given, his cheeks flushing like the ridiculous man he was. Why Hawke's jokes always got to him, after all these years, he didn't know, but it was a terrible inconvenience. “Don't get your hopes up for any wedding bells or anything” he managed, even through his blush. “We aren't quite that cozy” 

“One can hope for the future though” Hawke grinned, but the comment made Anders bite his lip. Even that Hawke joked about Anders being with someone else, which he'd done before of course with Isabela for example, always hurt. It suggested that Hawke saw Anders as someone who was free to be with anyone, but apparently not with Hawke himself. 

“Any news on Arlene?” Anders asked, rolling his eyes as he spoke to show he was actively changing the subject. Hawke took the hint, which he usually could even though he didn't always heed warnings. 

“She's doing her thing” Hawke shrugged, refilling his glass and looking so graceful when doing such a mundane thing that Anders had to bite back his smile. “Watching movies, playing, being a little pain to her mother, seriously, I don't know where she gets it, Beth was always the sweetest little kid”

“Like Arlene couldn't have taken after another family member?” Anders asked, raising an eyebrow at Hawke. “You do know she adores you, Garrett? She'd do just about anything if it meant she could be more like you” 

“You think so?” Hawke asked and his ear-to-ear smile said more than a thousand words. “Maker knows I adore her too, she's extraordinary” 

“Do let me know if you need another helper whenever you sit her” Anders smiled, leaning back against the soft cushions, highly aware of Hawke's weight next to him, feeling like he was almost leaning in involuntarily towards him. “Her smile brightens the whole world” 

“Mhm” Hawke murmured in agreement and also leaned back. 

After a short while Hawke sat back up and searched the table for the TV remote. Anders let him pick a channel, enjoying the hum of the news and the chatter of the talkshow equally, especially enjoying the man next to him, like he always did. He wasn't sure how long they were watching, but his glass was topped off once and Hawke talked happily about what they watched, making Anders even warmer inside than the wine. Anders truly couldn't remember a time when Hawke hadn't made him feel this way, this warm, comfortable, safe. Well, maybe he didn't feel this safe when Hawke was up to foolishness, but that was different. 

“I suppose I shall take my leave” Hawke mumbled, a hand gently placed on Anders thigh for a second, before he gave the knee a firm pat and got up. Anders wasn't a stranger to Hawke's small touches, he was an intimate sort of person, but the feel of his warm palm still lingered for a long moment, even after Anders had gotten up as well. 

“Be careful out there” he smiled and went to leave the glasses in the kitchen so that the cats wouldn't get to the wine residue. Hawke was wrapped in a scarf by the time Anders came back out into the hall. “I hear it's very dangerous for good looking mages who never know when to stay quiet” 

“Yes, yes” Hawke smiled back and pulled on his coat quickly, hardly letting Anders out of his sight as he moved. “I promise I'll be careful, especially when you're not by my side” 

“Good” Anders nodded, the familiar twinge of seeing Hawke leave aching in his chest. It was always hard, seeing him leave, when he always wished deep down that there would come a day when Hawke would never have to go again. 

“I'll...” Hawke started but seemed to get stuck in his own thoughts, like he sometimes did when he had too much going on in his mind. Anders watched him, Hawke looking back at him as if he was hesitating to say something. The intent look Hawke was giving him made Anders' cheeks burn again. “Well then” Hawke then suddenly said and scratched his neck with a grin. “I suppose I'll see you around, and I'm counting on you coming to my place more often, now that you and Fenris are more friendly” 

“Has it been that obvious that I've been...” 

“Avoiding him?” Hawke interrupted, ginning more broadly than before. “Painfully. Not to him I think, but to me” 

“I'm sorry” Anders sighed and looked away, feeling slightly shamed that he'd been so apparent. 

“I miss you when you're not around, you know” Hawke then said and his words were almost as shocking to Anders as the warm hand placed against his cheekbone, gently turning his head back until their eyes met. “I kind of notice when you're not around”. For a moment they just stood there, Hawke's palm against Anders' skin, burning hot through his entire body as their eyes stayed locked together. It was like Anders was drawn in, moving closer to Hawke without Anders being able to stop it. Or was it Hawke that was moving? Anders was barely breathing, his eyes almost closing by themselves, his lips pounding with the though of pressing them against Hawke's. 

But it was all in his head, for sure. He should have known. He forced his eyes back open, turning his head away, out of Hawke's touch, but not quickly enough to miss just how close they were, how Hawke's eyes opened as well, as if he too had closed them in anticipation. Anders wasn't sure what to think, but before he could stop his own movement they had parted and Hawke was left there on Anders' welcome mat, looking surprised, puzzled and even... disappointed? Anders just stood there, still not trusting what had happened. He must have imagined. 

“I suppose I'll be going then” Hawke smiled, just like any of his normal smiles, if only slightly less bright. “Sleep tight tonight, Anders” 

And he was gone. Just like always. Leaving Anders with a growing cold feeling in his gut, a feeling that he might have missed something terribly important, still shivering at the lingering sound of Hawke saying his name.


	6. Chapter 6

“Oh Bella, do you think I'm just making this all up?” Anders groaned miserably and leaned so quickly forward that his forehead hit the table top uncomfortably. He let out a whimpering noise of pain and closed his eyes, feeling Isabela's soft fingers stroke his hair gently as he complained. “I must have imagined it, there is no way that actually happened, is there?” 

“There, there darling” she cooed softly and poured him some more tea as she spoke. “Let it all out and you'll feel better” 

“You're not helping” he grumbled, pressing his forehead harder against the wood of the table. “Aren't you supposed to reassure me that I'm right and that everything's alright?” 

“If that's what you want” she replied and he tore his head away from the dark comfort of the table to glare at her. “What?” she asked defensively, but he could hear the slight smile in her voice. “Here I am, just home from weeks away and all you do is complain about an incident you've hardly explained to me? And I haven't even seen Hawke since before I left, how am I supposed to truthfully tell you that you're right and nothing happened?” 

“Because you're my friend” Anders groaned and went back to resting his forehead on the table. “That's what friends do, they improvise”

“Oh Maker” she half laughed and leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on his head. “Anders, I'm so sorry your heart is breaking over this, but if it's been weeks and he hasn't talked to you about nearly kissing you then maybe you're right, maybe you did imagine? It's not like Hawke's ever had a problem bringing up sensitive subjects before” Anders groaned in agreement but still wasn't convinced. It was true that Hawke had never seemed like intimate conversations were hard for him, but over the weeks that had passed since that almost kiss in Anders hallway, Hawke had acted as if nothing at all had happened. He had been his usual, happy self and Anders knew that even if he'd imagined that Hawke had wanted to kiss, Hawke must have noticed Anders moving in towards him. Surely Hawke would have asked him by now if Anders needed to talk to him about something. 

“What if he hates me now?” Anders groaned and rolled his head form side to side in frustration. “What if he just pretends to like me because he doesn't know how to get rid of me? I mean, I might have made him super uncomfortable and now he doesn't know what to do to make me go away”

“Oh Anders, get a grip!” Isabela sighed and pulled his hair a little, which at least got him off the table. He leaned back in his chair and wiped his eyes that he told himself were damp because he'd been lying head down, nothing else. “Hawke isn't that kind of person and you know it. He's fought with people and still not dumped them unless they threaten his family or friends, he isn't the kind of person to cut people off for almost kissing him. If anything he would be flattered that someone as beautiful as you would consider him.” Anders groaned at this and was ready to bang his head against the table again but Isabela's firm grip on his hair hindered him. “Now, you can sigh all you like, but that won't change the fact that Hawke is a sweet guy, behind all that hair and muscle, and you know it. If you really think about it...” 

“You know I don't work that way” Anders interrupted and felt the first actual tear roll down his cheek. He was pathetic, he knew that. The way he so desperately wanted Hawke to be the one to stroke his hair and reassure him proved just how weak he was. He could never truly suppress his feelings for the man, which would hurt Anders himself in the end. He knew that too. 

“True” Isabela said thoughtfully and when he met her eyes she wore a look of concern for a split second before she realized she was being watched. “You know what?” she then smiled when she met his eyes. “I think you need a night out, take your mind off this whole thing! What do you say?”

“Bella, I don't know...” Anders mumbled, but she was already out of her seat. 

“Sweetie” she said firmly, crossing her arms over her chest as she spoke. “Really? What has happened to you while I was gone? You know dancing always cheers you up, you don't have to drink, if a hangover is what you're worried about” 

“But what about..” Anders started but stopped himself, knowing there was no sense in trying to make her change her mind. To be honest with himself, he really did always feel better after a night at the Hanged Man.

“I won't have any objections” she grinned, knowing he'd caved before he even agreed. “First thing's first, I need to touch up my make-up and change my clothes. See, I told you it was better if I came straight here with my bag and everything”

Anders nodded and watched her as she skipped of to borrow his bedroom. Not that she was shy about changing in front of him but she did like it when she could have a big reveal moment after slipping into something hot and fancy. Anders let her have her fun, smiling as he heard her rumble around in her things, looking down at his phone to have something to do. He knew she'd ask him to change his clothes too but that could wait until she was done. For now, he was distracted by a text message he hadn't realized he'd gotten until now. As he opened it, he knew who had sent it, even if he didn't have the number saved on his phone. 

Hello Anders. This is Fenris.  
Hawke gave me your number.  
I hope that is alright.  
I was wondering if we could  
meet sometime as a token  
of our fresh start so to speak.  
I hope your day is well.  
Fenris.

Anders stared at the message in disbelief. First of all he wasn't sure he'd ever seen so many periods in a text message in his entire life, which was strange in itself. He also had not been expecting to ever get a text from Fenris, he hadn't even known if Fenris had a phone. To get a polite message like this, not counting the over use of punctuation, was not at all what he had expected when he opened the text. He quickly typed back, grinning as he did so. 

Fenris! yeah sure :)  
me and Bella are heading  
out for a drink at  
the hanged man, wanna join?  
/Anders

“What are you grinning about?” Isabela inquired as she poked her head in through the kitchen door. “Sexts?” 

“You know, Bella” Anders laughed and shook his head. “Not everyone takes such great pleasure in sexting as you do” 

“Poor you, Anders” Isabela grinned back and left again, Anders realizing she'd been in her underwear, possibly out of the room just to check on him, maybe to make sure he wasn't banging his head again. “You just wait and see until you date someone you can't be with all the time, sexting will do things to you you never knew were possible” 

“I'll take your word for it then!” Anders called after her and heard her laugh before she closed the bedroom door again. 

He leaned back in his chair again, eyes wandering out the window for a while before he looked back down at Fenris' text. Hawke had given him Anders number. The thought brought him and Isabela's earlier conversation back to life again and he sighed deeply as he read the message one more time. He had almost kissed Hawke, and close to three weeks later Fenris sends him a text which almost made it sound like he wanted to ask Anders out on a date (which Anders knew wasn't what Fenris had meant with it, but still). Hawke had given him the number. Had Hawke also suggested that maybe Fenris and Anders should do something together? Had he finally found someone who'd consider spending time with Anders so that he didn't have to himself? That almost kiss, the one Hawke must have noticed, had that really made him so uncomfortable around Anders that he'd try something like that?

Anders groaned and closed his eyes, almost regretted telling Fenris about where they were going. It wasn't Fenris' fault, the man probably wanted to come off as less cold now that they'd talked, even though their talk had been a while ago. But Anders still felt like seeing Fenris right now wouldn't help, not if it would make him think even more about Hawke. 

“You need to work on keeping that smile on your face for more than a minute” Isabela sighed when she came back into the room, dressed in a tight, short white dress, her hair curled nicely over her shoulders. 

“You telling me I need to smile more?” Anders asked and let himself be pulled to his feet by her strong hands. 

“No” Isabela cooed and leaned in to rest her forehead against Anders', a gentle smile on her face as she pulled his arms up around her waist. “I'm telling you to cherish what makes you smile” she then said and draped her arms around his neck. “Like going out with me in nice clothes, drinking colorful drinks and getting hit on by gorgeous people” 

“I thought you said no alcohol?” Anders smiled back, closing his eyes against her warm embrace. She was perfect to him, really. He never had to doubt it with her: that she cared about him. 

“Virgin drinks then” she grinned and pulled away, grabbing his hand as she did so. “Come on, I am sure we can find you some good cat prints to drape around that body of yours”

“Aye aye Captain” Anders teased and only got a light chuckle in return. 

Only about an hour later, which must have been a record for the both of them, Anders and Isabela made their way down the street that would take them to the Hanged Man. Isabela was wearing her blue coat over her quite revealing dress and Anders was wrapped up in his dark coat again, wearing a pair of high waisted, black skinny jeans underneath and already regretting that Isabela also forced him into a crop top with a floral pattern on it. He loved it, but he hadn't really planned on ever wearing it outside of the house. 

“Oh don't fuss, love” Isabela grinned as Anders tightened his coat around him. “You look lovely, and I'm sure you'll get the attention you so desperately crave” 

“You know that's not what all I crave” Anders protested by her raised eyebrow silenced him. 

“And yet you knew exactly what I meant?” She said with conviction and Anders decided it was better to just let her win that argument. Instead of protesting again he just shook his head and smiled, letting her hook their arms together as they stepped in through the door to the club, the music flooding the street for a moment as they entered. 

“You find us a booth!” she half shouted while she shoved her coat into his hands. “I'll go get us some free drinks!” she then grinned and pushed at her boobs suggestively. 

Anders laughed in response and watched her leave for a moment, before locating a table furthest in, on the other side of the dance floor. He made his way there with ease, moving between dancing people like it was his second nature. When he reached the small corner table, he draped Isabela's coat over one side of the couch-like seats and sat down on the opposite side so that he could see the dance floor and the bar. He soon saw Isabela make her way toward their table with a drink in each hand, a broad grin on her lips. 

“Hello handsome” she cheered when she came close enough, holding out a pink drink towards him with an eyebrow wiggle. “Not virgin I'm afraid, these babies only seem to generate alcoholic beverages” she explained and placed a hand on her chest as she spoke. 

“Maybe it's good you don't plan on having babies any time soon then” Anders joked and brought the glass to his lips. It wasn't like he minded the alcohol, especially not when he'd let himself be dragged down here. 

“About that” Isabela smiled as she sank down on the seat opposite him, crossing her legs and straightening her short skirt. “You promised me babies, Anders, and as long as you stay single I will hold you to your word” 

“You know as well as I that the chances of you finding a partner before me are infinitely greater than me ending up with someone” Anders shrugged but smiled at the promise him and Isabela had made each other years before, about marrying and growing old together if they were still single at a certain point in life. When they'd promised they hadn't really been serious, but Isabela brought it up from time to time, almost as if trying to scare him with it, to make him settle down once and for all. 

“Sadly, this is true” she now agreed and drank her entire drink in a couple of big mouthfuls. “I might be one of the biggest flirts in Kirkwall, but you're just pathetic” 

“True” Anders chuckled and leaned back in his seat, taking a couple of sips of his drink, which tasted strongly of alcohol even through the sweet strawberry sweetener. “At least I know how to get laid” 

“Of course you do” Isabela giggled and stood up, reaching a hand out for him to follow. “With an ass like that, who wouldn't want to do you?” 

He followed her out onto the dance floor, coats forgotten by the table. Isabela laughed as they were pushed between people, held onto him tight for a couple of songs until she was whisked off by a pretty girl to dance somewhere else. Anders was rather content where he was, a stranger's arm around his waist and another dancing behind. It was liberating to be this close to another person, or two, especially when there were no strings attached, no worry about what these people would think of him tomorrow, or even in an hour. Anders closed his eyes and let himself get lost in the music, felt the warm pounding of the rhythm in his blood. He must have been dancing for quite some time, because by the time he made his way back to the table, Isabela was sitting in the lap of the girl she'd danced with. Both of them looked rather unmade and he could have sworn Isabela's dress was askew. 

“Ladies” he said and inclined his head in a mock bow. “How's the evening treating you?” 

“Oh I won't complain” Isabela grinned and the other woman laughed. “It's your time to get drinks though” Isabela then said and nodded in the direction of the bar. “Talk to that guy, the one with the delicately groomed facial hair” she added. “He asked for your name before, I'm sure he wouldn't mind buying” 

“Thank you, fair maiden, for the tip” Anders grinned and re-tied the mandatory bun in his hair, seeing as it had come quite undone from all the dancing. “I'll see what I can do, maybe some shots?” 

When both women nodded enthusiastically, Anders made his way along the side of the dance floor to reach the bar, throwing the rather handsome man a glance as he passed him. Anders knew what to do to get a man interested, just as he knew how to catch anyone's eye. This one seemed to need close to no bait, by the time Anders was leaning against the bar, the man was next to him, dark eyes calmly eyeing him, as if the man knew just how good-looking he was and was expecting that to be enough. 

“Can I help you?” Anders grinned and bit his lip as he sized the man up, in a quite telling way. There was no need to beat around the bush with this one. 

“I don't know, can you?” the man asked back, Anders own grin reflected across his face as he spoke. “Mind if I buy you a drink?” The man's accent, Anders realized, was an accent he couldn't place. He'd heard it before, he was sure, but not many times and no matter how hard he tried to make his mind figure it out, he couldn't think of where the man might come from. It certainly wasn't Fereldan.

“That depends” Anders smiled, raising a brow. “See, I only pay attention to men who are selfless and take care of the poor and the starving” 

“Is that so?” the man asked back, still grinning but a hint of uncertainty in his silky smooth voice. His accent sounded posh, that far Anders could tell. This was not a man who'd grown up in any orphanage or slum, this was a man of wealth. 

“You see those girls over there?” Anders asked and pointed in Isabela's direction, the women waving back happily. “Buy them some shots and you'll have my undivided attention”

“That simple?” the man asked, his accent still running down Anders' spine like ripples on water and he shuddered, not knowing why it got to him so much. The man looked pleased with himself, those dark eyes watching Anders as they stood in silence for a few seconds. He was handsome alright, even though Anders wasn't sure about that neatly trimmed mustache of his. His lips were rounded, bigger than most, his skin was a deep brown, his arms were muscular under the tight T-shirt he was wearing and when Anders met his eyes there was something in that dark gaze that sent shivers down his thighs. 

“For you, yes” Anders replied, a bit late, seeing as they'd stood there watching each other for a while, but the man didn't seem to care. Instead, he signaled for the barkeep and ordered what Anders asked him, that same grin on his lips while Anders felt his own anticipation rise in his chest. It had been a while since he'd done this, or flirted in a way that might lead to more than just free drinks. He didn't do it lightly, of course, but he didn't stop himself when he felt this attracted to someone either. There was just something about this man that Anders felt he needed. He supposed it could have been that ridiculous mustache, even though Hawke's beard looked quite different. It could be the build too, Anders thought as he watched the man order. He had the build of a mage, just like Hawke, if maybe slightly leaner.

“A dance then?” the man asked and offered his hand to Anders, while one of the people behind the bar walked off towards where Isabela sat, a tray of shots in their hands. 

“Absolutely” Anders grinned back and took the man's hand, feeling the callouses on his fingers, the unmistakable trace of an active mage, at least to someone like Anders. He looked up to meet the dark eyes of the stranger who whisked him off for the night. Did he know Anders was a mage too? Or could he care less who it was he pressed close to as they danced? Anders decided that for now it didn't matter, for now they were both just dancing, for now they were just enjoying each other's company. 

After a while, as the man's hands had come to rest on Anders hips while they danced together, Anders knew they were nearing the stage where he'd be asked a question. He could either be polite and say 'thanks but no thanks' or he could agree, which usually meant either leaving the club to go somewhere else, or well, finding a quiet corner within the clubs walls where they could be at least partly alone. He'd done this many times, usually from need but also from the thrill of it. This time however, felt different somehow. Maybe it was because the man's body reminded him of Hawke, the very person he'd come here to forget? Or maybe it was just the fact that the man treated him gently, his hands making small, slow advances almost as if he was scared he wasn't allowed. Maybe he was new to all this, being with a man in an open way like this. It was clear to Anders that even though this man was not Orlesian, he was probably some kind of nobleman, and Anders was pretty sure the worst place for a gay or bisexual man was to live among the rich. Maybe coming to Kirkwall, from wherever he came, was a way for him to be himself? The thought surged within Anders and filled him with recognition and sympathy. He gently leaned in to place a kiss next to the man's lips, drawing the smallest of gasps from deep within the man. 

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Anders asked, gently, looking deep into the dark eyes in front of him and was sure he saw relief in them. Maybe he'd been too afraid to ask himself. 

“Yes, please” the man mumbled into Anders' ear and that was all the encouragement Anders needed to gently take the man's hand and grin back at him as he pulled him through the crowd. The man followed, the nervousness gone from his face as he pulled his fingers through his short, dark hair. Anders bit his lip and almost laughed at the surge of excitement in the pit of his stomach as he looked back at the man.

Then his eyes traveled out over the crowd, trying to find Isabela amongst all the people, realizing he hadn't told her where was going, maybe she'd wonder if he took too long. It didn't take him long to find her by the table where he'd left her. She was standing up now, waving at someone who was hidden partially by the crowd. Anders stopped dead in his tracks, watching as Fenris walked up to her and kissed both her cheeks in greeting. Fenris was dressed in all black, his white hair standing out against the darkness around him and Anders couldn't help the guilt from spreading in his gut when he realized Fenris must be there to se him. 

“Are you alright?” the man, who's hand Anders was still holding, asked and when Anders looked back at him the worry was back in those eyes. 

“Yes” Anders hurried and forced a grin through his guilt. “I just saw a friend, I didn't think he'd make it” 

“Do you...” the man hesitated and turned to try and see who Anders was talking to. “Do you want to say hello?”

“No” Anders hurried but couldn't look away from Fenris, as the elf suddenly looked his way. They locked eyes, only for a moment, but it was enough to tell Anders that Fenris must have understood what was going on. Isabela was laughing about something, maybe she'd told Fenris what Anders was doing. Anders felt his cheeks burn under that green gaze, even this far apart. 

“Shall we go, then?” the man suddenly asked and Anders nodded absentmindedly, letting himself be whisked off to the upstairs toilets with Fenris' face etched into his mind. 

He was good, this man. Anders wasn’t sure he’d ever done anything like this at a club, but the man sure wasn’t a beginner. Anders leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, fingers buried in thick, dark har. It was a good distraction, truly, to have a man between his legs when his mind had been occupied for weeks and weeks by the thought of that almost kiss. He made lovely sounds too, which was always nice. Anders grinned as the man let out a rather remarkable vibration of noise against his cock but brought the man’s mouth away from him by pulling his hair. 

“Don’t be so eager” Anders panted and slumped back slightly against the cold wall, his knees weak from the attention he was getting. “I want to last longer than this, mind you”

“Sorry” the man half mumbled, an apologetic look in his eyes. 

“No apologies needed” Anders assured and pulled the man back up form the floor by a firm grip on his shoulders. “Just kiss me” 

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” the man teased and his accent made Anders grin. It was a hot accent, he couldn’t lie, and it did things to him that he didn’t mind at all: it made him shiver and sent bolts of warmth through his thighs. 

“I would” Anders admitted and closed his eyes again, gasping as he felt soft lips against his neck and warm breaths against his earlobe. 

“Anders, was it?” the man whispered and Anders could only nod in reply. “Anders” he repeated, not whispering anymore. His voice was deep and smooth, his accent clear and his hands around Anders’ body warm and strong. “Anders” And suddenly it dawned on Anders where he’d heard that accent before, knew why it sounded so familiar and why the man saying his name this bluntly made him weak and shocked at the same time. Anders opened his eyes and stared into the grey wall in front of him, past the top of the man’s head, almost forgetting his neck was being kissed. “Anders” the man repeated again and Anders let out a small whimper as teeth dug into his skin. The memory of green eyes hit Anders in the face as if he’d been punched, the sound of the man’s deep voice in his ear made the blood rush quicker through his veins. He hadn’t been certain there for a second, that he’d been right, but as his heart pounded hard in his chest and he closed his eyes hard, his name was repeated once more and Anders was certain. 

This man had the same accent as Fenris. Anders gasped for breath, his hands digging into the strong shoulders of the man in front of him, feeling weak whenever his name was spoken with that voice, that _accent_. No matter how hard he tried to let his mind go blank, to just enjoy the moment, all he could hear was Fenris' voice, speaking his name.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter seven! I hope you like it :D
> 
> some warnings for this chap: fictional slurs, violence, sexism mention

Anders slumped back into the padding of the couch, the music all around him masking the sound of his sigh as he closed his eyes. He felt the alcohol rush through his body, knowing full well he probably shouldn't have downed the two shots that had been left unsupervised on the table. Isabela and her mystery lady were nowhere in sight and for once in his life, Anders was glad she wasn't around to ask him questions. For now, he could sit there alone and process what had just happened. Fenris, thankfully, wasn't there either, the reason for which Anders didn't dare think about. It must have been obvious to Fenris what Anders had been about to do after all. He didn't even want to begin to think about how low he must have sunk in Fenris’ regard. 

Fenris. The thought of him had been impossible to shake, even with another man between his legs and the effect it had had on Anders, he had not expected. He'd been aching hard in minutes, muffling his moans against the neck of the man as he fought against his own fantasies. He hadn't meant to think of Fenris that way, frankly it had felt almost as if he was invading very private territory, even though Fenris wasn't even there. Anders had fantasized about Hawke before when having sex with strangers, but he'd been in love with Hawke for years and when else would he fantasize about him? Only when he was all alone in his bed, touching himself? He'd always told himself that Hawke wouldn't mind, if he ever found out, because Hawke wasn't that kind of person. But Fenris..? If he found out what Anders had been thinking about up there, in a public bathroom, what would he say? What would he feel if he knew Anders hadn't been able to hold his orgasm back even one second because of the thoughts that had flooded his mind as his pleasure built up? He would be disgusted, Anders was sure. Which was why it was so damn inappropriate for him to even think them, especially when Fenris was under the same roof as him.

Anders leaned forward and groaned into the palms of his hands, his cock still aching dully between his thighs and the sound of the stranger's sniggering voice and moans still ringing in his ears, even though the voice sounded oddly distorted now as it mixed even more with Fenris'. Anders needed to stop thinking about it, needed to get home and shower off the sweat and the sex from his body. He looked up to search for Isabela but couldn't see her. He knew he couldn't just take off without letting her know, she'd be worried sick by the time she noticed he wasn't around anymore. He felt weak and pathetic now, tired and alone, needed her even though he'd been happy she wasn't around, only a moment ago. 

A sudden noise from over by the bar caught his attention though, and Anders got off his chair to see what was going on. The barkeep had shouted something and people were backing away from the counter as if to leave room for a fight. At first, Anders didn't think much of it, Isabela wouldn't get into fights like that, but Anders' thoughts went to Fenris and his blood suddenly felt cold in his veins. Fenris might actually get into fights. It wasn’t something Anders had considered before but as he tried to make his way towards the scene as quickly as he could, he realized he wouldn’t be surprised if Fenris was involved. He’d seen Fenris drunk and angry before, just not throwing punches. That last part now changed, as he reached the front of the crowd and saw Fenris punch a man straight in the nose. Anders would have acted sooner, but the look in Fenris’ green eyes could have burned him if they’d been turned to Anders and not to the man now clutching his face. 

“You freak!” a man behind Fenris’ back was calling, and before Fenris even had a change to take a breath, the man was on him. For a second it seemed like Fenris could take the weight of him. He was standing there, eyes large and legs apart, a man twice his size applying all his weight onto Fenris’ smaller body. Fenris’ knees soon to gave out and he tumbled to the floor with a yelp, his head hitting the floor with a noise that sent a chill down Anders’ spine. “I’ll teach you!” the man shouted, now sitting over Fenris’ back, his fist raised over Fenris’ head as if he didn’t care if he cracked the elf’s scull open. 

“Get off him!” Anders heard himself call and lounged at the man, pulling him back from Fenris’ body with the help of some of the people who’d been watching. Anders couldn’t take his eyes off of the limp body that was Fenris one the floor, and as soon as he knew someone else had a firm grip of the still struggling man, he let go to kneel by Fenris’ side. 

“Get that man out of here!” Anders heard Isabela roar behind his back, but it was like she was speaking from behind a barrier that blocked out noise, because Anders only heard her voice as an echo. His hands gently snuck around Fenris’ neck, feeling his pulse clearly and breathing out with relief. Fenris’ eyes were fluttering now and one of his hands was moving to press against the floor as if he was trying to get up. 

“Hey, Fenris” Anders hurried and placed a hand gently on Fenris’ to show he was there. “Please try to be still, you hit your head pretty bad”

“I’m fine” Fenris mumbled but he did as he was told. Behind Anders back, Isabela had taken charge, yelling at the two men who’d been involved in the fight. Fenris groaned against the floor and closed his eyes again. “Get me out of here, Anders, please” His voice was shaking this time and his tone was pleading in a way Anders hadn’t expected. All that anger he’d seen in Fenris’ eyes just minutes earlier had drained into nothing but that one pleading word left between them.

“Alright” Anders agreed after a second of hesitation, thowing a quick glance at Isabela who met his eyes, a worried expression on her face as he brought her phone to her ear. Anders was suspecting she was calling Aveline, something Aveline had made them promise they’d do whenever they got into trouble. Anders couldn’t leave Fenris in this mess, not with his nose bleeding and his voice sounding like that. “Bella,” he said and she covered the mic on her phone to listen to him. “I’ll get him out of here, can you handle this?” 

“Who do you think I am?” she smiled, even though her eyes were worried. “Of course I can handle it, you go” 

Anders nodded and reached down to grab Fenris’ arm, feeling the man move beneath him until he could help Fenris properly to his feet. He could feel Fenris grip his shoulder for support as they stood still for a moment, Fenris swaying against Anders body. Even though Anders had pushed his previous thoughts as far away as possible from his mind, having Fenris like this, pressed to his chest for support, made him feel ashamed of the things he’d thought of earlier. 

“I’m sorry” Anders mumbled, unable to stop himself as the looked down at Fenris’ bloody nose and the growing red mark on his forehead. Fenris didn’t answer, probably didn’t even hear him say it from the music that was back on in the speakers. Anders hadn’t even noticed that it had been turned off during the fight, but of course Isabela wouldn’t have been able to make that call if the music had been on. “I’ll take you to my place” Anders said as they pushed their way out into the dark street outside the club. Fenris grunted in reply but didn’t seem to object, only rubbed the blood off his face with his sleeve. “I’ll take a look at you at the clinic, I mean” Anders corrected himself, and draped Fenris’ right arm around his shoulders, hunching forward so that he could help the man walk. He needed his ointments and he needed Fenris to be in a calm, quiet place where they could talk. Besides, he had no idea where Fenris lived. 

“I do not care where we go” Fenris said, too late for it to really sound like an answer to what Anders had said. They’d already been walking for a couple of minutes, which to Anders seemed like an hour at least. He’d never felt like he lived this far from the club before, but walking with Fenris like this made the dark streets feel even more narrow and long than usual. “Just get me out of here”

“We’re already on our way, Fenris” Anders assured and bit his lip. He was worried Fenris might have hit his head a little too hard for Elfroot potion to really help. But it wasn’t like Anders was worthless in the healing magic department. He’d be able to fix it, he was sure. 

When they finally reached the clinic, Anders unlocked the door and turned on the lights while Fenris leaned against the wall outside. He seemed a little bit more lucid now, steady on his feet too, it seemed, as he suddenly came walking into Anders’ place of work, looking rugged and broken, but somehow Anders thought the look suited him. He sighed at his own mind and shook the thought away, discarded it as quickly as it had gotten there. His concern should be with Fenris’ wounds, not with whether or not Fenris looked good when he was completely unmade. 

“Please, come inside and sit down” he smiled, holding open the door to the small room with his massage table. Fenris nodded slowly, his large green eyes taking in the clinic for a moment before he walked up to the open door and stopped when he saw the massage table. He gave Anders a look, an arched eyebrow saying more than a thousand words. “I’m a chiropractor” Anders grinned back, pushing his worry aside. “Giving massage therapy is kind of what I do for a living”

“I am not getting up on that table” Fenris protested but Anders was sure he’d seen a quick grin on his bruised face as Fenris walked past him into the room. 

“Of course not” Anders smiled and pulled out one of the comfortable lounge chairs for Fenris to sit down in, before he went to wash his hands and fetch ointments. By the time he turned back towards Fenris, he had seated himself and was looking down at his hands, still bloody from wiping his nose. “Here, let me clean you off” Anders hurried and filled a bowl with hot water at the sink, dampening a cloth before kneeling in front of Fenris. “Let me know if it hurts, alright?”

Fenris only nodded and sat there watching Anders as Anders gently wiped his hands clean, coloring the water pink. He then moved to softly wipe off Fenris’ nose and mouth, being as careful as he could not to make a potentially broken nose feel worse. Fenris took the pain with the calm composure of a really drowsy cat, and Anders made sure to watch his eyes once in a while to make sure Fenris hadn’t dozed off. Fenris only looked back at him, even as his left eye started swelling slowly as Anders worked. 

“I should probably put something on that, if you’ll let me?” Anders pointed out and nodded towards Fenris’ hurt face. Fenris nodded back, giving his quiet consent before he continued to watch Anders as he applied Elfroot potion to his hands. Anders smiled a little, feeling almost nervous under that intense gaze, like every movement he made was under scrutiny. He tried to shake the feeling and quickly applied the healing ointment, watching with satisfaction as the swelling of Fenris’ eye and nose went down before his eyes. “That should do the trick to your external wounds” he then said and reached up to place his wrist against Fenris’ forehead. “But I think you might need to lie down so I can take a look at your head” 

“You really shouldn’t bother so much,” Fenris half mumbled. “I’ll be fine” 

“It doesn’t matter what you say” Anders replied and smiled. “I’m a healer, it’s what I do. So you just let me fuss about your injuries and you take it, until I clear you”

“Alright” Fenris nodded, raising an eyebrow again. “Anything you say, Doctor” 

“Thank you” Anders grinned and got up to lower the massage table to a better hight so that Fenris wouldn’t have to strain himself too much to get up. 

He watched as Fenris stood up again, slightly worried about the way the man wobbled when he walked. Anders knew he might need to use magic this time, but he was unsure whether or not Fenris would agree to that if he asked him for permission. At the same time, Fenris seemed more used to magic than most, especially since he knew about all of Hawke’s family being mages and Anders too. He wasn’t so sure he could use magic on Fenris without the man knowing. 

“Can I ask you,” Anders started but he didn’t know how to ask the question, so he stopped talking and wiped his hands on a towel to dry off any excess Elfroot. Fenris watched him in silence for a moment before speaking, seeming to have guessed what the question would have been, even if he guessed wrong. 

“Why I was almost crushed by a drunk asshole?” he asked and Anders hesitated a moment before looking back up to meet Fenris’ eyes, nodding, even though that was not what he’d wanted to ask. Fenris sighed and leaned back against the pillow Anders had placed over the hole where patients usually put their faces. “Who knows” he then said with a deep sigh and Anders decided it might be better to focus on Fenris’ knuckles for now, not on his head where Fenris might feel watched and exposed. “I can’t quite remember, if I’m honest” Fenris continued. “The man I punched spilled his drink on me, I told him off and he...” 

Anders waited for Fenris to continue but he didn’t and after a short while, Anders threw a glance at Fenris’ face, seeing his lips pulled into a thin line and his green eyes staring into the ceiling like the ceiling itself had offended his honor. Anders knew that look, knew what it felt like to see that look in the face of someone he loved, knew what it felt like to see that look in his own face, the thin lips and disappointed, furious eyes staring back at him through the mirror glass. He could guess what had happened, because he’d been through it himself, the sideways looks, the slurs, the threats, even though he’d heard them for other reasons than Fenris, he was sure. 

“Sometimes when I drink, I...” Fenris started but trailed off again. 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me” Anders hurried to say but Fenris interrupted him.

“But I want to” he said with a sigh and it was like all the tension in his body melted away, his knuckles and fingers relaxing against Anders’ palms. “I have never been good at telling anyone what I feel, Hawke has been telling me for months that I should at least talk to someone other than him”

“He’s like that” Anders smiled fondly, even though the notion of Fenris being on such close terms with Hawke still made his stomach clench uncomfortably. 

“This man, the one at the bar” Fenris then continued, his eyes still fixed to the ceiling as he spoke. “He spills his drink on me, turns around with an apology on his lips until he notices me, what I am, and instead of apologizing, like he had intended, he blames me for being in the way and calls me...” his voice died again, out of frustration this time, or at least so Anders figured from the sound of his voice. “He calls me an absurd word to try to show me just how superior he is to me, but all he did was make me angry, a result of which was his broken nose...” 

“And your broken index finger, face and possibly also your scrambled brain” Anders chose to fill in and grinned slightly when Fenris raised his head to meet Anders’ eyes. “I get it, I would probably have done the same thing if I were you. In fact, I’ve been in that position myself and not been half as lucky as you” 

“You have?” Fenris asked, his surprise very clear in his voice. 

“Are you really that surprised?” Anders asked back. He saw with satisfaction how Fenris’ stomach jumped in a silent laugh. 

“When I think about it, not so much” 

“It’s happened two times, actually” Anders continued, reaching for the Elfroot ointment again to apply it to Fenris’ broken, quickly swelling finger. “Once when I was fifteen” 

“Fifteen?” Fenris echoed, raising his head again, an eyebrow too, disbelief in his voice. 

“Yes, fifteen” Anders grinned. “I was still at boarding school, courtesy of the Circle program” he then continued, ignoring the twinge in his chest at the sudden rush of memories this particular one brought with it. “I had convinced myself for years that I was already a grown-up, done a lot of stuff that grown-ups do, seen my fair share of grown-up things”

“At fifteen?” Fenris echoed again, now clearly grinning. 

“You’ve clearly never been to an all mage boarding school, Fenris” Anders mock explained. “Besides, I’d been without my parents for years already, anyway, there was this unauthorized party and some guys were being jerks to the girls. Long story short, I tried to help, the guys turned on me and called me some not so kind things and I ended up on cleaning duty for a month”

“For defending the girls?” Fenris asked, his hand lying forgotten in Anders’ palm. 

“The rules back at school weren’t, what you might call, fair” Anders sighed. “At least I got a few punches in before they jumped me, and a templar came in to break it up before I got any serious injuries, but of course those guys didn’t get punished” 

“But why did they even offend you, I mean, why did they start insulting you?” Fenris asked. Anders, who had gotten slightly lost in his own thoughts, looked up and met Fenris’ eyes, noticing the man still had a large red mark swelling around his temple. Anders got off the chair he’d been sitting on to gently brush Fenris’ hair out of his forehead, noticing three white markings in the middle, similar to the white lines running down Fenris’ neck and fingers. He met Fenris’ eyes again, smiling slightly before answering. 

“The nature of men” he said and placed his wrist against Fenris’ forehead again, trying to see if his temperature was steady or not. He felt slightly warm to the touch. “They wanted to assert their dominance, to prove those girls weren’t worth anything to them. Misogyny, I believe it’s called”

“But you are not a girl, Anders” Fenris said hesitantly and when Anders grinned down at him with a shake of his head, he continued. “And you were all mages, if I am not mistaken?” 

“We were, yes” Anders confirmed. 

“Then what did they..?” 

“Let’s just say being attracted to guys when you’re a guy yourself wasn’t really something the school endorsed” Anders explained with a half grin as he moved to stand with his hands on either side of Fenris’ head, gently rubbing Elfroot ointment into his temples to try to handle whatever it was that was hurt which he couldn’t see. “And those guys really didn’t approve” 

“Dicks” Fenris exclaimed and Anders stopped moving for a second.

“I couldn’t agree more” Anders then said, resuming the soft movement of his fingertips against Fenris’ temples. Fenris closed his eyes, humming slightly. Anders was pleased and kept going, moving slowly and making sure not to give into the temptation of using magic, even though that would have been a lot easier. “Just like the guy today was a dick, no matter what he did or said to you Fenris, he deserved that broken nose” 

“Knife-ear” Fenris replied, his voice deep and his mouth thinning into a line again. Anders knew the term and sighed as anger surged within him. “That is what he called me, as he blamed me for spilling his drink, for being in the way” 

“I’m so sorry, Fenris” Anders half mumbled. 

“Don’t be” Fenris sighed. “The truth is, what makes me most angry is that I should be used to it by now, the names, the looks. I have lived with these things my whole life, I should be used to it...” 

“You never really get used to it, do you” Anders sighed and let one hand gently squeeze Fenris’ shoulder in support. He felt like he wanted to do more, but there was only so much he could do for Fenris when they hardly knew each other. Anders was good at talking though, and he might as well help Fenris out when Fenris stumbled on his words. “The second time I ended up in a fist fight I was older, at least twenty-three or something” 

“All grown-up now” Fenris added, teasingly. Anders decided to let the comment slide without remark, but smiled as he saw the grin on Fenris’ face, which seemed to relax his entire body too. 

“I was at a bar, somewhere in the vicinity of Redcliffe” Anders started, falling into a story-teller sort of voice, which both made it easier for him to talk about it and made the atmosphere between them warmer, somehow. “I’d been having a rough year, well, to tell the truth I’d had a rough four years. So, of course, I was drinking a little bit too much and probably drawing a little bit too much attention to myself” 

“Like one does when drinking” Fenris commented and Anders could feel Fenris’ grin in the pull of the skin underneath his fingertips. 

“Exactly” Anders nodded. “I must have used magic, or at least said I was a mage somehow, because before I knew it I had to kick and throw punches in every direction. I hardly remember what happened after that, only that I woke up in the arms of a gorgeous man who healed me and took care of me for days until I was back up on my legs” 

“A handsome stranger rescued you from a beating?” Fenris sniggered and Anders felt a shiver run down his spine at the sound, soon to be interrupted by even more memories flooding his senses. 

“Yes, and no” he answered and looked away as Fenris opened his eyes to try and meet his gaze. “He was handsome alright, but not a stranger. I’d known in since we were in school together, we ended up marrying after that slightly bloody incident” 

“You are married?” Fenris asked in a half whisper, disbelief in his voice.

“Widowed” Anders corrected and shot Fenris a quick glance to see his reaction. Fenris didn’t move a muscle, only met Anders’ eyes for a moment, his green gaze just as unmovable as the rest of his body. Anders was grateful that there were no immediate questions, grateful he didn’t have to dive head first into the pool of feelings he’d been hiding at the bottom of his soul for years. To think about Karl was too painful, especially thinking about what happened at the end of their time together. Fenris’ silence was as close to a blessing as Anders could have gotten. 

“I grew up in the slum districts on the outskirts of Minrathous” Fenris then suddenly said, closing his eyes as he spoke. “When I was five, my father died. My mother never told me how it happened, one day he was just gone. Even in the slums my family, people like us, were treated like the lowest of the low, there was no mercy, no pity. Especially not from mages” After this he paused, almost as if waiting for Anders to protest, but there was no reason to. Anders remained quiet, for once. “I suppose those mages were like the ones you talked about before,” Fenris then continued and a wrinkle appeared for a moment between his eyebrows as Anders watched. “Back home... I mean, back there” he quickly corrected himself. “Mages own everything, they own the factories and the contracts that pay for our food, they own the hospitals and the schools, everything, even our lives” 

“I couldn’t imagine” Anders replied, resuming the gentle movements of his fingertips. 

“I think you can” Fenris sighed deeply, his voice lower than before. “At least part of the way. Here it seems like everything is turned upside down. Mages here are different, subdued, angry and without power. It took me years before I realized why, even longer before I actually understood how big the difference was. I never thought I would see a mage being treated the way I was treated today, but then I saw it, more than once and I had no idea how to handle that” 

“I understand that” Anders smiled gently.

“Magic was always valued so highly...” Fenris then mumbled and Anders looked down at his face again, seeing the man’s eyes flutter slightly before they closed again. “We were always scared when we were younger...” 

“Fenris?” Anders asked, realizing the man was either losing consciousness or falling asleep and after hitting your head that hard it was better to stay awake. When Fenris didn’t respond, Anders cursed under his breath and gave Fenris’ shoulder a squeeze, repeating his name once more. He should have asked him for permission to use magic on him while he was still awake. He had known from the start that there was a big risk he’d have to, so why hadn’t he just asked? He sighed and bit his lip for a moment, thinking his options through but at the same time he was worried there might be bigger complications than he feared if he didn’t do something soon. Fenris would understand, he was sure. He’d understand that if it saved him a lot of pain or even brain damage to use magic, he would have to allow it. 

“Fenris,” Anders said a third time. “I’m going to have to use some magic to heal whatever’s the matter behind that thick scull of yours, alright?” Fenris didn’t reply and Anders didn’t hesitate anymore as he placed one palm over the three white dots on Fenris’ forehead and let the other cup the top of Fenris’ head. He felt the magic run through his body, heat flowing through his palms, into the tingling skin of the man before him on the table. Fenris let out a soft sigh, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and Anders smiled as his magic brightened the pale grey color on Fenris’ cheeks into its usual warm, brown shade. It still amazed him sometimes just how quickly a severe wound could heal with only the help of something as common to him as magic. He was just about to stop and remove his hands when a bright glow, shining through his fingers, alerted him and he looked down at Fenris’ body again, mouth falling open in surprise at what he was seeing. Every white marking on Fenris’ body was glowing faintly blue, from the three dots on his forehead to the thin lines running down his fingertips. Anders watched as their glow grew in intensity, marveling at the way they seemed to shine through the fabric of Fenris’ clothing too, down his shoulders and arms, his chest and his legs. It was one of the most extraordinary things he’d ever seen and he let a gasp escape him, just as Fenris opened his eyes. 

“Anders..?” he mumbled and Anders immediately withdrew his hands and his magic, leaving Fenris’ markings to slowly fade and grow white again. Fenris stirred, blinking slowly for a moment until he finally looked back up at Anders, his gaze traveling from Anders’ shocked expression to his raised hands, Fenris’ eyes going from confused to just as shocked in only a matter of seconds. “You..?” he said, but Anders didn’t need to hear the full sentence to know what Fenris had wanted to say. 

“I had to” he quickly smiled. “You were losing consciousness and I had to make a rash decision, obviously I wouldn’t have done it without asking if I thought I had a choice”

Fenris sat up, very quickly and looked disoriented for a moment and when Anders tried to reach for him, wanting to steady him, Fenris shied away from him. There was a look in those green eyes that sent chills down Anders spine, a look of loathing, so intense that Anders took a step back from the bed too, just to give Fenris some space. Fenris seemed to have noticed he was staring, because he immediately broke eye contact and just sat there in silence for a while, breathing heavily as if he’d run a marathon. By the time Anders realized Fenris was probably having a panic attack of some sort, it was too late, Fenris was already off the table and heading for the door. 

“Fenris” Anders hurried to say and it was like his own name made Fenris shudder and stop in his tracks.

“Thank you” Fenris said, even though he didn’t look back at Anders and his voice was all but friendly. There was a high pitched quality too it that made Anders’ heart beat extra hard with a rush of adrenaline in his chest. “For your help. But I have to go, I… I have to leave” Fenris continued and was out the door. 

Anders hurried after him, hands still tingling from magic and his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. He shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have thought someone so frightened of magic and angry with mages would have ever let him use magic on him. He should never have assumed that Fenris would be alright with it, and yet he’d gone and made a rash decision which had made Fenris visibly upset and possibly frightened him half to death. Anders cursed as he saw Fenris go out the front door of his clinic, sighed as he saw through the window as the man left the street as quickly as his legs could carry him. Anders sank down in one of the chairs put there for waiting patients and buried his face in the palms of his hands. For a moment he was enveloped in the scent of Elfroot and darkness and he sighed deeply, his chest trembling and he breathed in again. He felt tired and horrible, like he’d done the worst thing to Fenris that he could have ever done. There was no way he could fix this, he knew that now. Not when Fenris looked back at him like they didn’t even know each other, like Anders was some Tevinter magister… Just like the ones he’d feared all his life. 

“Damn it Hawke” Anders mumbled into his hands before he dug into his pocket for his phone. “Why the fuck did you think this would be a good idea...”


	8. Chapter 8

“Isabela!” Hawke boomed from the hallway as soon as Isabela opened the door to her apartment to let him in. Anders was waiting in the living room, his hand clasping a wine glass tightly, already forgetting he could break it if he wasn’t careful enough. He hadn’t seen Hawke much since the half kissing incident and now, after what happened with Fenris some nights earlier, he felt anxious and nervous about seeing Hawke again. What if Fenris had told Hawke about what he’d seen Anders do at the club? Or told him that Anders had used magic on him without Fenris giving his permission? Anders had no idea what Hawke would do with him then, but it was like Isabela had said before, Hawke could stand most people as long as they didn’t threaten or hurt his friends and family. Had Anders crossed that line? 

“Now, where is this fugitive you’re hiding?” Hawke laughed, seeming to not know how close to the mark he was with that comment. “Anders? Come out here so I can take a look at you” 

“Well, I’m not hiding under the coffee table” Anders grinned, even though his chest hurt from the forced effort. Hawke came walking into the living room with his usual broad smile and somehow Anders worries melted away, if only for a moment. Even he had a hard time believing that a smile like that could be faked. 

“Here’s my favorite mage” Hawke smiled reaching for him and pulling him into a warm, long hug, not letting go until Anders relaxed against his soft body.

“Don’t let your father catch you saying that” Anders mumbled against Hawke’s shoulder before the man let him go. Hawke laughed at this and placed a large palm on Anders’ shoulder, looking deep into his eyes for a moment while his smile lingered, bright as the sun. 

“I better take that advice, I think” he then said and let his hand slip from Anders’ shoulder, the spot where his palm had been still burning hot when Hawke turned to Isabela. “Any chance of getting some of that fruit juice Anders is drinking?”

“One fruit juice coming up” Isabela grinned but shot Anders one of her piercing looks when Hawke turned away from her. “I’ll top you off, shall I?” 

“Yes, please” Anders replied and sat down on the couch while placing his now empty glass on the table. Hawke walked up to the window to look outside in silence for a moment, before he turned to look at Anders with a slightly puzzled expression on his face that Anders couldn’t read. “How’re you holding up?” he then asked and Anders was taken aback by the question. It insinuated that Anders had been through something that must have upset him. The question was what Hawke was referring to. The almost kiss? Fenris? 

“I’m fine” Anders answered and felt his heart skip a beat as Hawke came to sit next to him. Really, he was ridiculous, the way he squirmed and blushed when Hawke was around, like they were kids in school and Hawke was the popular guy that Anders would never dream of asking on a date. Hawke only smiled gently at him now and placed a hand on Anders knee, to support him, obviously, but the gentle touch sent shivers through Anders’ thigh through his entire body. “I mean, I trudge on like I always have” 

“Obviously” Hawke grinned but his eyes then lingered in silence on Anders’ face for a moment, as if he was deep in thought. He then quickly looked away and Anders felt warmth rise to his cheeks. Hawke had thought about that almost kiss. 

“Here you are, boys” Isabela smiled as she came back into the room with glasses for both her and Hawke and a new bottle of wine to fill them with. She took one look at them after placing the glasses on the table, meeting Anders gaze before raising an eyebrow his way in exasperation. “Any news on Fenris, Hawke?” she then asked, knowing Anders wanted to know but also changing the subject, even though she didn’t even know what they’d been talking about. 

“Fenris?” Hawke echoed, sounding confused. “What do you mean?” 

“You know, after what happened at the club?” Isabela prodded and poured wine in all the glasses as she spoke. “Anders says he isn’t replying to texts and I for one am worried he’s been terribly avoidant when I’ve seen him in the street” 

“The club?” Hawke asked, giving Anders a look that said more than a thousand words. 

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Anders asked, both relieved and worried at the same time. Relieved that Fenris hadn’t run to Hawke and told him everything that had happened, worried because he knew Fenris didn’t have many people he talked to. He’d gotten the impression that Hawke was actually the only one he might go to when he was in trouble. That Fenris hadn’t told Hawke might mean no one but Anders and Isabela knew what had happened to him, and he wasn’t talking to any of them. 

“Didn’t tell me what?” Hawke asked, a note of panic in his voice that Anders rarely heard. 

“It wasn’t a big deal, really” Isabela hurried and nudged the wine glass closer to Hawke until he took it. “Fenris got into a spot of bother with some racist asshole, but he made sure they got what they deserved and then Anders patched him up at the clinic” 

“Patched him up?” Hawke said as he turned to look at Anders again. “You’re telling me you had to patch him up, enough to bring him to the clinic, and you didn’t let me know?” 

“I was going to” Anders protested, feeling pressed as Hawke’s otherwise happy eyes now were worried and almost angry. “I texted you but you weren’t at home and I didn’t want to worry you. I mean, I did heal him and he’s fine but...” He didn’t even know why Hawke got so upset, seeing as he’d never expressed any need to know exactly what happened with Fenris before. This kind of thing might have happened with Fenris before, however, which might have made Hawke feel more responsible for the man somehow. No matter the reason for Hawke’s worry, Anders felt that well known twinge of jealousy and disappointment in his gut. Seeing Hawke so visibly upset was a sign Hawke cared a lot about Fenris. It had been a long time since Anders had seen Hawke equally upset for his sake. 

“Darling” Isabela pitched in, placing a gentle hand on Hawke’s arm to turn his attention to her instead of Anders. “All we’re wondering is if you’ve talked to the man?” she asked, a small grin on her face. “You know him better than we do, after all. And we just wanted to make sure he is alright?” 

“Yeah” Hawke answered, slowly relaxing and giving Anders a quick smile, as if to let him know he didn’t blame him for Fenris not telling him what had happened. “I saw him a couple of hours ago, he came over to help Arlene with her school project” 

“Really? Fenris never struck me as a guy to help kids with their homework” Isabela grinned and latched onto this new subject as if she was worried Hawke might get upset again if they kept talking about Fenris being hurt. Anders took a large mouthful of wine, closing his eyes for a moment to calm his nerves. He just seemed to keep messing everything up when it came to Hawke, from making him uncomfortable to keeping secrets from him without even knowing. 

“She has a project where she’s supposed to interview people she admires” Hawke answered, pride in his voice like every other time he talked about his niece. Anders froze in his movements at the words coming out of Hawke’s mouth and he suddenly felt sick. Not because Arlene admired Fenris, who of course was an admirable person that worked with the poor, but that she seemed to have chosen him without Anders in mind at all, as this was the first he was hearing about the project. Guilt was also rising inside him, for what he’d done to Fenris, unwillingly causing him distress and anger when all he wanted to do was help him. He’d crossed a line, just as they were starting to get to know each other, and the thought of Hawke’s disappointment when he found out Fenris and Anders really never would get along, and that Anders was the cause of their falling out, made him feel sick to his stomach. 

“I’ll be right back” Anders mumbled and got off the couch in a hurry, making his way to the bathroom without even knowing if he just needed to get away or if his body was actually going to bring him to his knees. Thankfully it helped just to lean in silence against the bathroom door and close his eyes. He could hear Hawke and Isabela talk for a while, Hawke’s voice a deep murmur and his laughter vibrating through the walls, straight into the core of Anders’ chest. How could he have done this to himself: make himself love a man he couldn’t have, cause harm to a friend he’d never thought he’d wanted, then cry about it before sleeping? 

He sighed and sank to the floor, burying his face in his hands. If Karl had been here he would have been able to help, if Karl had been here all of this would have been a lot less complicated, a lot more clear. He drew a trembling breath and tried to hear Hawke’s voice again, tried to make his heart grow warm and happy, but the talking outside had stopped and everything was quiet. 

“Anders, sweetie?” Isabela soon said through the door and it was like he could feel her warmth through the wood behind his back. “Do you want me to come in there?” she asked, gentle and kind. “You know I can help” 

Anders remained silent but opened his eyes, let his gaze fall on the side of the bathtub and sat there for a long while, staring. He had to make it all right. Even though his anxiety was hitting his mind, telling him Fenris hated him now and so should Hawke because why would he like someone who made Fenris look so much like an animal caught in the headlights of a car, Anders chose not to listen. He needed to see Fenris, tell him he was sorry, make this right. Hawke wanted them to be friends, and to tell the truth, Anders wanted that as well. In the last month he’d started respecting the man, flaws and all, no matter how angry he got at people who defended Tevinter mages. And Anders got it now, somewhat, why Fenris was so angry. 

“Anders” 

Anders broke his staring contest with the bathtub and blinked himself back to reality as he heard Hawke’s voice. He could hear the wood of the door creaking as Hawke slid down against it, probably sitting back to back with Anders, only the thin door separating them. 

“Anders, I’m sorry” Hawke then said and for some reason, even though Hawke had nothing at all to apologize for, Anders felt tears well up in his eyes. “I know I sounded angry back there, I just… You must know what Fenris is like by now? I made him promise me to tell him if he ended up in trouble, I’m not disappointed in you, I was just frustrated, I’m sorry” 

“Go on” Anders heard Isabela mumble, as if she was urging Hawke to continue. 

“Bella, please give me a moment?” Hawke asked and after a short while Anders could hear her walk away, closing a door behind her somewhere in the apartment. “Anders, if you’re listening, tap the door” Anders did as he was told, gently tapping the wood with his fingers, the sound only loud enough to be heard by Hawke. “Alright” Hawke said and it sounded like he was smiling. “Do you remember when we first met?” he then asked and Anders wiped his eyes with the base of his hand, fighting so hard against more tears that his head hurt. “You came here in that ridiculous old car, only a couple of boxes and two cats” Hawke paused and gave a soft chuckle, a sound that always made Anders smile, of course, even now. “You were desperate, I remember that, only wanted to get on with your life after everything you’d been through and then there I was, bothering you after closing time”

“You could never bother me” Anders replied, wiping his eyes again. 

“Of course I could, Maker knows how many times I already have” Hawke chuckled. “You’re just too into me to admit it to yourself, love” 

Anders leaned his head back against the door and closed his eyes, letting the tears fall freely now. Hawke had no idea what magic he wielded with his words, what one little word like that did to Anders. It was just a tiny word really, an affectionate term that Hawke could have said to anyone and they’d feel loved and cared for. But Anders couldn’t take it, hearing that one word and knowing that to Hawke it didn’t mean what Anders wanted it to mean. 

“Imagine how utterly boring your life would have been if I hadn’t fallen down those stairs” Hawke then grinned and Anders drew in a shaky breath, in a desperate attempt to calm himself down. 

He remembered it like it was yesterday, the day he’d seen Hawke for the first time. Anders had attracted a crowd during the day when he was trying to carry his boxes up to the apartment, through the clinic, with his two cats screaming in annoyance at being locked up in their travel cages. By the time he’d finally settled, which meant dumping the boxes in the living room, letting the cats out, watering his one plant and calling the moving company to see where in the world they’d gone off to with his bed (they’d gotten lost, missed the ferry and wouldn’t be able to get to Kirkwall until the next day), Anders had walked down into the clinic to make sure he’d locked up. The clinic had still looked like the hair saloon it had been before he bought it but he’d managed to get the sign up out front, saying it was now “Thekla’s chiropractic clinic”. The name had been kept since Karl was managing the place, but after what happened to him, Anders hadn’t been able to stay in Redcliffe. He’d been standing there, watching the sign through the window, wondering where he could find the nearest store so he could buy himself some alcohol, when the door had suddenly opened and the most gorgeous human being he’s ever seen had stepped into the clinic. 

“I knew you hadn’t fallen down the stairs” Anders mumbled, smiling slightly through the tears. Hawke was silent on the other side of the door, so he continued. “Or, I knew you’d fallen down the stairs because someone pushed you” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Hawke asked, gently. 

“I don’t know” Anders admitted and looked down at his hands as he spoke. “I didn’t know you, and I was tired, and you were hot, I was nervous” 

“Ha!” Hawke laughed and the door gave way slightly to his body as his chest heaved. Anders liked it, knowing Hawke was right there. It was almost like he could feel the man’s warmth flow between them. “I know I’m gorgeous, but there was no need to be nervous, was there? I came to you for medical aid” 

“And you left knowing I was a mage” Anders pointed out and closed his eyes again, imagining the both of them sitting back to back without the wood between them. “You were the first person in years who saw right through me and still didn’t mind being close to me, Hawke” 

“Garrett” Hawke corrected, patiently and probably grinning as he said it, at least that was how Anders pictured it. 

“Garrett” Anders corrected himself and heard a soft chuckle from behind him. “Garrett” 

“Why are you so great?” Hawke then asked and the question made Anders bite his lip. 

“I’m not” he replied. “If you keep thinking that I am, you’ll be disappointed one day” 

“I don’t think you could ever truly disappoint me” Hawke said, mirroring what Anders had said earlier, but he wasn’t sure if that was something he did on purpose. 

“I’ve disappointed a lot of people” Anders sighed. “My parents, my teachers, friends, Karl...” His voice broke and he pulled in a couple of shaky breaths, his back moving uncomfortably against the door as he did so. 

“I can’t believe he’d ever be disappointed in you, either” Hawke said softly. 

“How can you be sure?” Anders asked, knowing he couldn’t hide the weakness from showing in his voice, the way it trembled and shuddered in his throat when he spoke. “You never met him, he was…”

“I never got that privilege, no” Hawke sighed and Anders heard how he shifted on the other side of the door until his head gently bumped into the wood. “But if he loved you, which I am completely certain he did, right?”

“Yeah” Anders mumbled in response at Hawke’s pause. 

“If he loved you even half as much as...” Hawke’s voice faltered and Anders’ eyes widened as he turned quickly to look at Hawke, only to remember there was a door between them that made it impossible for him to read Hawke’s face. Half as much as what? “What I mean to say is, someone who loves you like that, like he did, like I bet he still does wherever he is, couldn’t possibly be disappointed in you, not when you’re just as amazing as you’ve always been” 

“Garrett...” Anders mumbled and placed a hand against the door, wishing he had the guts to just open it and let Hawke in, open himself up to the possibility that that soft tremble in Hawke’s voice meant something else, something more than he’d ever dared hope before. “I’m not amazing, you know that” 

“Bullshit” Hawke grinned, his voice still sounding weaker than it normally did. “Shit, Anders, you have no idea do you?” 

“About what?” Anders asked, his heart banging hard against his ribcage. He wasn’t about to fool himself again, but his body didn’t listen to reason. “Garrett?” 

“You have no idea what you do to me” Hawke replied after a moment’s silence and Anders couldn’t stop himself from gasping, both at Hawke’s words and the tinge of frustration in his voice. “Here you are, saying you’re a disappointment and that you’re not amazing, ha! What does that say about me?” 

“What do you mean?” Anders asked, breathlessly, his tears leaving his cheeks dry and salty now. 

“The way you talk about yourself as if you’re never good enough” Hawke half mumbled and his voice was rich with emotions Anders didn’t dare name. “When all I want is to tell you just how good you are to me, how wonderful you are”

“Garrett” 

“I didn’t mean to sound like I was mad at you” Hawke sighed softly. “I know you worry, and I’m not mad, I don’t blame you for Fenris’ lack of communication skills” he then added and Anders felt his own body slump slightly from his previously upright position. “I just wish you could trust me, you know, when I tell you how much you mean to me” 

“I do” Anders lied, another tear rolling down his cheek. 

“Just come out here and have a glass or two more with us, eat some food, talk some shit?” Hawke then asked, his voice calmer, back to the way he usually sounded when he was calm and relaxed. Anders bit his lip, the flutter of hope in his chest quickly strangled and managed as he let disappointment take its place. He’d known the change of subject would come, sooner or later. Anders had done this before, let his body feel hope that Hawke might be saying something, feeling something that would resonate with Anders’ own emotions. The fact that Hawke had sounded so fragile didn’t necessarily have to mean that Hawke was feeling anything but worry for a friend’s wellbeing. But he could cope with this. At least it seemed like Hawke didn’t hate him, which was always something. “If there’s anything you need to talk about, we’re here for you, alright?” 

“I’ll be out in a minute” Anders agreed, pushing his feelings aside as he closed his eyes, trying his best to clear his mind properly. “Just.. make sure you save me some wine” 

“I will” Hawke promised and seemed to hesitate for a moment before he got back up on his feet. “You’re really important to me Anders” he then said, from higher up than before. “I know you haven’t been feeling good lately, and I’m sorry if I made you feel worse” 

Anders listened as Hawke walked back to Isabela, then he stood up on shaky legs to splash his face and stare into his own eyes for a moment. He looked tired, dark rings under his eyes only brightened by the redness which proved he’d been crying. He wished he could tell Hawke why he’d gotten upset, just like he wished he could tell Hawke what his earlier words had done to his already painfully aching heart. He had to get over this crush he had, no matter how deep down he felt it, once and for all. 

“Sweetheart” Isabela smiled at him as he walked into the living room again, a couple of minutes later. She had a wrinkle of concern in her forehead but her smile was genuine and he let her sneak her hand into his for comfort and to pull him down next to her on the couch. “Hawke was just telling me that he’s planning to get Arlene a puppy for her birthday” 

“Really, Hawke?” Anders grinned and met Hawke’s amber eyes, losing his voice for a split second when he was lost in them. Getting over Hawke would take him at least as many years as he’d spent desperately dreaming about being with him, if he could even manage getting over him at all. It would need a lot of work, he was sure. “Have you talked to Bethany about that? Because I know she’s sweet and all, but not everyone wants a puppy without warning” 

“Why is it with you two thinking I haven’t talked to Beth about it?” Hawke laughed, thankfully not giving Anders any indication that he could see the completely obvious signs of crying on his face. 

“I asked him the same thing” Isabela explained with a grin, hooking her arm with Anders’ and leaning her cheek against his shoulder for a bit. “Poor Hawke, his only friends questioning his level of responsibleness again” 

“Hey,” Hawke exclaimed and raised an eyebrow at the both of them. “First, you two are not my only friends, second, I am terribly responsible, on the verge of boring” 

“Are you now?” Isabela laughed, disbelief in her voice. 

“You are so condescending!” Hawke grumbled, but shot Anders a quick grin before reaching for a handful of popcorn they must have prepared while Anders was in the bathroom. “I was just about to invite you to the party of the year but seeing as you’re both very inconsiderate I shall not extend the invitation”

“What party?” Anders asked, surprised he hadn’t heard anything about a party before. “And don’t look at me? I completely trust your judgement” 

“Do you?” Isabela laughed and shook her head. 

“Thank you, Anders” Hawke nodded, the grin still on his lips as he shoved popcorn into his mouth. “You’re a true friend” 

“Absolutely” Anders grinned back and accepted the popcorn Hawke was holding out to him.

“I especially admire the way you suddenly change sides when you hear there’s a party invitation at stake” Hawke then added and Anders felt his cheeks flush. 

“Thank you” he managed to answer back through his embarrassment. “It is one of my many talents, Hawke, I’m glad you’ve noticed”

“I have” 

“So have I, if anyone’s wondering” Isabela chimed in with a smile as she poured more wine for herself. “And I thought you valued honesty, Hawke? Now you punish me for being honest? That’s not like you” 

“Fine” Hawke caved. “You’re both invited, and expected to attend” 

“Expected to attend?” Isabela echoed with a suspicious look. “What kind of a party is this?” 

“Arlene’s birthday party, what else?” Hawke chuckled and Isabela gave an exasperated sigh. Anders knew she loved Arlene, like anyone else that met the girl, but she’d always made it her thing to act like children scared her. Everyone knew nothing faced her, not even a bunch of loud kids. 

“A kids party or an adults-come-pver-for-coffee-party?” Anders asked and leaned back against the soft pillows. He was relaxing slightly now, the anxiousness from before still clinging to his chest but his body not feeling as tense as it could have. Sometimes it was like his worries and heartaches slowly melted away when he spent time with Isabela and Hawke like this, but there was no chance he’d let his heart flutter away from his common sense again. 

“A combination” Hawke answered. “Bethany had planned for it to be at her house, but Arlene insisted that I have a better house for hide and seek, so, naturally I offered” 

“Naturally” Isabela and Anders said in chorus, locking eyes with each other and laughing. 

“It’s in a week, very sudden, I know, but Bethany hadn’t planned for all my friends to be there” Hawke continued as if he hadn’t heard them laughing. “Seeing as it’s held at my place, and Arlene being so darn cute and asking for you both, I was hoping you could come” 

“I’ll come” Anders promised and received a squeeze of his thigh from one of Hawke’s large, warm hands. He quickly suppressed the flutter of his heart and avoided Hawke’s searching eyes as he continued speaking. “And I will drag Bella with me too, even if she kicks and bites” 

“I’ll try to behave” Isabela smiled and got up slowly to fetch something in the kitchen. Anders wished she wouldn’t leave him alone with Hawke, not when she knew what he felt for the man and probably suspected why Anders had been upset in the first place. She sent him an almost apologetic look before she left the room and Anders gave a deep sigh before finally looking back to meet Hawke’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry about before” he started, watching how Hawke’s gaze flickered to the floor as he spoke. “I didn’t mean to just leave like that and...” 

“You don’t have to apologize to me” Hawke interrupted and looked back up with his usual, gentle smile on his lips. “I’ve told you before and I will tell you again, until the day you stop” 

“Fine” Anders half mumbled and felt a shiver run down his spine as Hawke reached out to wrap an arm around his shoulders. He wouldn’t let himself be charmed, he’d promised, but as he sank back against Hawke’s side, nestling in comfortably underneath the soft weight of the man’s arm around his body, Anders let himself be whisked away. Just for now. Just one more time. He drew a soft sigh and closed his eyes, wrapping his own slender fingers around Hawke’s hand to pull his arm tighter around him. “Fine” he then repeated and smiled a little as he felt Hawke rest his chin against the top of his head. “I won’t be sorry anymore” 

“Good” Hawke chuckled, vibrations from his chest running down Anders’ entire body as he did so. They sat there for a moment in silence, breathing together in the same pace, fitting together as if their bodies were made for this, as if Hawke’s soft chest had been created for the sole purpose of having Anders’ back gently pressed up against it. Anders couldn’t remember when he’d last felt this comfortable, this relaxed, but he suspected it had been more than six years ago. He let his eyes stay closed, smiling as Hawke gently hummed a tune. He knew he had to let go soon, at any moment now he’d have to pull away and after that he wouldn’t let himself be pulled in again. As long as he could just stay like this a little while longer. As long as he could just have one more moment, he would be alright. He would live, with just another minute alone, just like he’d dreamt for years. Close _together_.


	9. Chapter 9

“You can't be serious?” Isabela asked incredulously as they walked, arm in arm, down one of Hightown's many side streets. There were people all around them, seeing as most people had just gotten off work and were busy doing some shopping before the weekend rush started. Anders always felt slightly out of place here, all the people so glamorous and the shops so expensive. He also knew that even though the dark streets around his own home were filled with people who might stab you for just the shirt on your back, these people were filled with hatred for those who were different. It was a money fueled hatred too, the kind that enabled you to hire someone, in case a neighbor offended you. He knew this wasn't Orlais, but it might as well be as dangerous for Hawke, when he lived here all alone without protection, having known mages in the family. Thankfully, Anders had heard no rumors of Hawke himself being a mage, which meant Hawke was at least not being too obvious. 

“I'm perfectly serious” Anders answered Isabela, tightening his arm around hers as they passed a man who shot them strange looks. 

“Anders, you can't give up now” she exclaimed, seeming not to have noticed the man at all. “I know you've been suffering for years but do you really think sneaking off to the bathroom every night at the pub will help you deal with not being with Hawke?” 

“Bella” Anders sighed but smiled as he sent her a sideward glance. “Hawke and I would never work, you know that” 

“I most certainly do not” she protested and gave a deep sigh before she rested her head slightly against his shoulder as they walked. “Oh Anders, please don't give up on him. I'm sure if you two just talked about it he'd see how much you love him” 

“I've made up my mind” Anders smiled, swallowing the burning chunk of sadness that had been stuck in his throat ever since the night at her place. “Besides, he can do better than me”

“You're wrong” she said while shaking her head. “I'm sorry, but you are” she then added when Anders sent her an annoyed glare. “I am your friend though, so if this is what you want I will just advice against it but support you no matter what”

“Thank you” Anders sighed and enjoyed the feel of her hand in his own as she snuck it in between his fingers. He'd known she wouldn't approve of him giving up on Hawke, she probably didn't think he was serious, seeing as he'd done this multiple times before. But this time he was more serious than he'd ever been before. He couldn't go on pining for another six years, waiting for something to happen where nothing ever would. 

“So who was that guy you took home the other night?” Isabela asked after a while's silence and Anders ignored the exasperated sigh in her voice and the way the question made his cheeks flush. 

“I never take anyone home” he objected and grinned at her. “We went to his place” 

“You took Fenris home” Isabela teased and Anders avoided her gaze. He hadn't told her about what'd happened with the man from Tevinter, how his voice had made Anders squirm and tremble against the cold wall of that public bathroom, but sometimes it felt like the woman could read minds. 

“That was different” he half protested, even though he knew she meant no harm with her teasing. “It's not like I brought him home to fuck him, did I?” 

“I don't know” Isabela answered, acting clueless. “Did you?” 

“No!” Anders exclaimed and laughed. He was all warm in his face even at the thought. But he wouldn't let her know she was getting to him, that was the most dangerous thing he could ever do around Isabela. “Besides, even if I'd wanted that, don't you think I'd have chosen a better time than when he'd suffered a head injury?” 

“True” she caved. “Maybe you'll get your chance tonight though” she then added and Anders groaned. He'd tried not to think about the fact that Fenris would probably be at the party. He knew if the man was there, he'd have to at least say something to him, and Anders was quite anxious over the reaction he was going to get. There was no way Fenris was as keen on being his friend now as he had been that day at the shelter. “He is one fine looking man after all, a lot better than the guys you usually go for” 

“You're saying Hawke is ugly in comparison to Fenris?” Anders asked, shaking the uncomfortable feeling growing in his gut. If Fenris was angry he had every right to be, and Anders was going to make sure he apologized. 

“Maker forbid” Isabela exclaimed with a laugh. “Of course not! I'm talking about the men you go to bed with, because as far as I know, you and Hawke have been nowhere near going to bed with each other” 

“Can you keep it down?” Anders half mumbled, knowing guests to the birthday party might be anywhere, as they were nearing the villa. “And haven't I told you not to bring him up like that?” 

“I'm sorry, sweetheart” she cooed and stood on the tips of her toes to give him a peck on the cheek. “But you were the one who brought him up, not me” 

“How can you live with yourself?” Anders sighed in exasperation and pulled another light laughter out of her, a sound that close to always made him smile as well. A couple of minutes later they were heading up the neatly placed stones that formed the walkway towards Hawke's villa, and Anders felt a tug of longing deep in his gut that he immediately suppressed. Hawke was a friend, nothing more. Besides, the gift Anders was clasping tightly in his hand was a reminder that he was here for Arlene, not for Hawke. 

“Auntie Isabela and Anders are coming!” Arlene called from inside the house, so loud they could hear her through the closed front door. Isabela gave Anders a quick glance and a reassuring smile, squeezing his hand gently before the door opened and the dark haired girl literally flew into Anders' arms. “Welcome!” she almost yelled into his ear and hugged him tight. 

“Thank you for inviting us” Anders smiled into her hug and then put her back on the ground so that she could hug Isabela. 

“She wouldn't stop going on about it” a woman said from inside the house and Anders stepped in through the door to be met by Bethany's smiling face and stretched out arms. “Anders, it's been too long” 

“It has” he smiled and gave her a long, warm hug. She then looked up at him with a tired, but sincere smile before she moved out of the hug.

“We've been baking all day” she sighed and shook her head as Arlene came running back through the large hallway with Isabela's gift raised high above her head in excitement. “You better eat at least one of everything” 

“If you save me from your brother” Anders grinned, both of them knowing which brother he meant. 

“Deal” she nodded and they shook hands on it before she moved to hug Isabela. Anders removed his coat and hung it in the nearby coat room. Isabela joined him after a moment, a big smile on her face now that she didn't have to pretend she hated kids anymore, hanging her coat next to Anders'. 

“Let's just take deep breaths” she then said and tried to brush some cat hair off of Anders' black T-shirt, which must have failed because she gave up. 

“Why are you so nervous?” Anders grinned, making sure Isabela's unruly hair was as nicely shaped as she wanted it.

“I'm not” she grinned and stretched her arms slightly to the side, adjusting the tight, black dress she'd chosen for the occasion. “But who knows who I meet here? Hawke has some cute friends after all” 

“Are you seriously going to try picking someone up at a kids party?” Anders laughed but kissed her forehead gently. 

“We both know that so are you” Isabela teased and Anders shook his head before grabbing her hand and pulling her out into the rest of the house with him, refusing to discuss the topic further. 

The house, it turned out, was already full of guests of all ages, from toddlers to grandparents, and the big living room was definitely overrun by kids, who'd turned it into a playroom of epic proportions. There was a pillow fort of some sort, a gift table where mostly wrapping paper was left as Arlene seemed to have opened all presents immediately upon receiving them, but most of the kids were sitting quite calmly on the carpet in front of the open fire, eating sweets. Arlene had already joined them, showing off the captain's hat and working steam engine boat model Isabela had given her. 

“Really?” Anders sniggered and Isabela grinned back at him. 

“What can I say? Auntie wants her precious baby girl to follow in her footsteps” 

“You want her to become a stripper, then?” someone asked from behind them and Anders knew before he turned that of course it was Varric. 

“Oh hush, you” Isabela laughed and gave him one of her warm hugs. “Don't say that in front of the kids” 

“Why not?” Varric grinned and hugged Anders too before leaning back against the wall where he'd been standing. “They have to learn about the real world one day” 

“Yes, that might be true” Isabela sighed and looked back towards Arlene's smiling face with a melancholic look on her face. Anders knew what that look meant, Arlene was growing up way too fast for any of their liking. “But don't go around telling kids I'm a stripper” she then hurried to add and slapped Varric gently on the arm. “You know as well as I that being the Captain of a boat is a highly respected job” 

“Aye Aye” Varric only grinned. Anders shook his head at the both of them. He had a feeling he needed something to drink if he was going to survive the night. “All the grown-ups are in the kitchen” Varric said, as if he knew exactly what Anders was thinking. “I'm babysitting, so everyone else doesn't have to, but you better send someone else up here soon because I'm running out of alcohol here” 

“Will do” Isabela promised and took Anders' arm again to lead him into the kitchen with her. “I am not babysitting tonight, Anders” she protested calmly and batted her eyelashes at him when he looked down at her. “You get someone else to do it”

“I promise” he grinned and held the door open for her as they reached the kitchen. The room was soaring with people and some looked up as Anders and Isabela stepped inside, nodding their heads in greeting. Anders hardly recognized most of them but suspected they were parents of the twenty or so kids camped out in the living room. He could see Merrill over by the kitchen island, cutting some kind of savory roll of food into smaller pieces together with Hawke's mother. They both smiled at him, holding knives and waving them without realizing how sinister that looked, and Anders laughed. 

“I think I better go help them out” Isabela sighed, sounding both worried and amused. Anders understood. Who knew what those two could accomplish with their hands on both the knives and the food. He moved over to the room next to the kitchen, which was a good sized guest room that had been turned into a chill out room for this occasion. Hawke had dragged a big couch in there and placed small tables and chairs so that people could sit down and place their glasses somewhere. Anders picked up a glass of wine from the drinks table in the kitchen, realizing he was still clutching Arlene’s present in his hand, before heading into the room. He spotted Hawke and his younger brother Carver by the window and only nodded in greeting even when it was clear Hawke was waving to make Anders walk up to them. Instead of doing so, Anders sank down on the couch and took a sip of his wine as people he didn’t know entered and left the room. It felt like he’d been sitting there for at least an hour by the time Isabela found him again. 

“Avoiding temptation?” she asked and handed him a paper plate completely stacked with food, all which you could eat using only one hand. Anders took the plate with a thanks, ignoring her comment as she sat down next to him. “Anyway” she sighed when she must have realized he wasn’t about to entertain her by letting her have her way with him. “I’m in love”

“Really?” Anders laughed and thought about the many other times Isabela had said exactly those words, only to change her mind within hours or days. 

“No, seriously” she sighed. “I am” 

“I believe you” Anders assured and gave her a quick look, registering the flushed cheeks, annoyed look and crossed arms over her chest. She was annoyed, but not with him. She was annoyed with the feeling itself, which could only mean she was at least a tiny bit infatuated. “But you hate being in love” Anders then added, placing a hand on Isabela’s in an effort to show affection. She pulled her hand away. 

“I know” she sighed again, rubbing her temples. “Which is why I’m only telling you. And you’re not allowed to tell anyone else, especially not until this blows over” 

“Deal” Anders hurried to agree and she nodded affirmatively. 

“Good” 

They sat there in silence for a while as Anders ate a couple of canapés, wondering who in all of Thedas could have upset Isabela in this way by charm alone. He knew if he asked he would be cut off, possibly hated for days on end, so he resigned himself to wondering in silence. He hadn’t heard about any of this before, so either Isabela had met someone here at the party during the last hour or so, or she hadn’t told him about any of this earlier, for a reason. The two of them didn’t keep secrets from each other, not for long, so why would she keep this from him? She could just be embarrassed, that usually happened to her when she fell for someone, unless she was completely wasted when it happened. Or it might be someone he knew, in which case the embarrassment might be too much even for Isabela to bare. 

“These canapés are delicious” Anders eventually mumbled through a mouthful of mushroom stuffed cheese rolls, and Isabela visibly relaxed next to him at the change of subject.

“They were hard as fuck to make, you know I don’t cook unless I have to” she grinned and stole something from his plate, popping it into her mouth before he could see what it was. “I know I’m a queen in the kitchen but with the mess those ladies had made I’m astounded the house hasn’t burned down” 

“Yet” Anders added and they exchanged looks before laughing. “Who knew a mother of three could be so bad at cooking” Anders then said as he wiped a tear from his eye. “I know Malcolm can cook, but seriously, has she never cooked in her life?” 

“Oh hush” Isabela grinned as Hawke walked right by them, grinning down at them but walking with purposeful steps as if he had other things to do, which he probably did. “That’s your future mother-in-law you’re talking about, you know”

“Oh stop that” Anders groaned and finished his wine as he sank down further against the pillows. “You know I’m trying to be over him, stop putting images in my head of a happy married life with in-laws...” 

“Only trying?” Isabela teased and stole another canapé. “I thought you said you’ve already given up?” 

“You know what?” Anders sighed and got up from his seat after placing his plate on the table. “I didn’t ask you who you like because I am a good friend who doesn’t pry when I know my best friend doesn’t want me to, but you’re just a horrid person” 

“Oh come on Anders” Isabela coed and Anders smiled slightly, only to let her know he didn’t really think she was horrid for teasing. 

“I am going to go refill my glass” he then said and lifted his chin pompously into the air as if he was a very offended Hightown noble. Isabela laughed as he did so and he had to fight to keep his face straight. “I will not return, for you have insulted my honor” 

“Bye sweet prince” she called after him as he proceeded with his threat of leaving the room. 

Anders grinned, but still felt the twinge of her teasing as he poured himself another glass at the table outside. More people seemed to have arrived, because the room was even more crowded than before and Anders felt slightly trapped and oxygen deprived. He smiled at people who greeted him and he shook hands with a couple of Fereldans he knew he’d met before but couldn’t place, before he decided that anywhere was better than spending time in this crowded space and decided to leave and head out to the kids to see if maybe he could find a calm place to breathe. It took him at least couple of minutes to actually reach the door but as soon as he was there he didn’t hesitate to escape. Immediately outside in the hallway the air was a lot cooler and the chatter of voices reduced to nothing but a hum, which was music to his ears. He stood there for a moment, breathing slowly and closing his eyes to regain his mental strength. He could do this. He knew he could. 

The living room was not a calm place, Anders realized as soon as he stepped inside. Kids were running everywhere, yelling and laughing and the sound wave that hit him almost felt like one made of magic. He stopped, not sure if there was another supervising adult in the room and really not feeling like doing the job if he was discovered. He tried to look for Arlene and first he couldn’t find her, then a loud yell to his left made him almost jump as Arlene came running down the large stairs with her Captain’s hat on her head and a fake sword in the other. 

“Don’t you dare take my ship, you stinking pirates!” she yelled and jumped up on the couch, which had been stripped off pillows to form the fort she was now facing, which was obviously a pirate ship. 

“I’ll teach you not to order us around!” another girl was shouting from inside the pillow fort-ship and soon full blown battle was happening in Hawke’s living room. 

“Don’t you just love how lively they are?” a sarcastic comment was made from somewhere to Anders’ right, and Anders heart suddenly grew heavy as he recognized Fenris’ voice. The man was dressed in all black, which seemed to be his usual way of dressing, and he had his arms crossed over his chest. Anders looked away, almost shocked Fenris was talking to him, not to mention starting the conversation. 

“Adorable” Anders answered back, trying to make his own voice as sarcastic as Fenris’ had been but it only sounded flat. 

“Do not get me wrong” Fenris then added, not looking at Anders as he said it but nodding in his general direction. “I enjoy the idea of children having a chance to play and make a whole lot of noise, but when it happens in reality I sometimes wish I could create a barrier between me and them” 

“Really?” Anders asked, unable to hide the surprise in his voice. He looked back at Fenris again, equally surprised to see those green eyes looking back into his. “I thought you didn’t like magic?” he asked, casually and maybe even a bit teasingly, but he could see Fenris’ eyebrows arch for a second. They both knew why he’d run out of Anders’ clinic that day, and the question of whether he hated magic or not had been hanging in the air between them ever since they first met each other. 

“I...” Fenris started, but then looked away, watching the children again in what seemed like deep thought. Anders didn’t press the matter and watched the kids as well, smiling as Arlene and some other girls suddenly seemed to come to a truce with the pirates. “I know magic has its uses” Fenris then said, his words spoken slowly, as he still wasn’t sure if it was alright for him to say them. “I mean, magic on its own isn’t something I hate” 

“I see” Anders replied, mostly to show Fenris he was still listening, even though what the man was saying was that it was mages, not the magic, that were the problem, which stung more than Anders had expected. 

“And since coming here I have realized most mages on their own aren’t something deserving of my hatred, either” Fenris then continued and the slightly apologetic tone of his voice made it impossible for Anders not to meet his gaze. “Especially not mages who are only trying to help drunk elves from certain death” 

“Is that your way of apologizing for running out on me in the middle of the night?” Anders chose to ask, grinning to make sure Fenris knew he wasn’t seriously offended by being left like that. He was quite sure Fenris had been the offended party at the time. 

“You better soak it up quickly” Fenris replied, looking away as grin tugged at his lips. “I do not ask for forgiveness often” 

“Technically, you haven’t asked for it now either” Anders teased and Fenris looked back at him again, an eyebrow raised and his grin widening. Anders was struck by what a privilege it must be to have Fenris look at you and smile at the same time. He knew that tending to children seemed to bring smiles out of the man, but for an adult, especially one who’d used magic on him, to receive that smile this frequently. That actually felt special. 

“Do not push it, mage” Fenris said and Anders felt his cheeks flush before he looked around quickly to see if any of the children had heard. He knew most of the kids would probably not care and even less would tell their parents but it only took one parent knowing what Anders was for him to lose his practice, his home, even his freedom. “I’m sorry” Fenris suddenly added and when Anders looked back at him he saw the clear signs of panic in his face. “I shouldn’t have called you that, I didn’t think” 

“It’s fine” Anders half chuckled and awkwardly scratched his neck. “I just… if you could keep your voice down next time you feel like telling the world what I am, I would appreciate it”

“Of course” Fenris nodded and looked away. Anders could have sworn the man’s ears were turning pink. 

“Anyway” Anders said to try to defuse the tension. “Your apology was worth it” 

“What?” Fenris asked, almost like he didn’t understand what Anders meant, which made Anders grin. 

“You said you don’t ask for forgiveness often” he explained and Fenris’ ears really did change color at that comment. “And now you’ve done it two times in just under two minutes. I am truly blessed” 

“Shut up” Fenris half mumbled and Anders was satisfied enough not to feel the need to press the teasing further. Instead they stood there in silence, Anders drinking from his wine glass and Fenris unable to stand still, lifting his feet from time to time as if he’d rather be pacing than standing watch. After a while, Arlene came over to them, her cheeks rosy from running and her hair in one big tangle. 

“What are you two standing around for?” she asked, hands on her back and the biggest grin on her face. 

“None of your business” Anders teased and hid the present he was still holding in a slow motion movement behind his back. She caught a glimpse of it and gave him a searching look, before suddenly pulling out her fake sword and holding it to his stomach. 

“Give me the goods, pal” she called and all kids in the room stopped their playing to watch. Anders tried to keep his laughter at bay as he backed up against the wall and placed his wine glass on a side table that had been placed there, conveniently enough. 

“Who’s asking?” he then commanded to know and shot Fenris a look, seeing to his own enjoyment that the man was grinning. “I can only deliver this to one specific person”

“You have no rights to ask me for my name!” she bellowed, enough authority in her voice to make her sound like a captain for real. “I am a feared pirate! And I’m robbing you for your insolence” 

“I thought you were a cruise captain?” Fenris chimed in, holding his hands up slightly as Arlene’s friend pointed a sword at him too. 

“I was” Arlene said matter-of-factly, poking at Anders’ stomach with the tip of her sword. “But it was boring, so when the pirates came I took their ship and became a pirate captain instead” 

“Smart” Fenris grinned, then he pointed at Arlene and looked up at Anders. “I’m with her, she’s too powerful to stand up against, Anders” 

“I told you” Arlene laughed and the children laughed too, eerily enough. 

“You should probably just give her the present” Fenris urged and Anders nodded. 

“Alright, alright” he said falling to his knees in fake humbleness and bowed his head as he lifted the present above his head to present it to her. “Here you go, Captain” 

“Thanks!” she beamed and in a flash she went back to just being Arlene again, all piracy forgotten as she skipped over to the couch with her friends to see what she’d been given. Anders watched and grinned, wondering if she’d be as excited when she saw what he’d gotten her as she was right now. Fenris watched for a moment as well, before he walked over to Anders and offered him a hand to get off the floor. 

“I hope you got her something fit for a pirate queen?” Fenris asked, his hand cool and soft against Anders palm as he took it. 

“I hope so too” Anders replied and felt reluctant to let the man’s hand go when he was back on his feet. He did so anyway and tried hard not to watch as Fenris fingers flexed by his side, almost like he needed to shake the feeling of Anders touch. Before Anders had a chance to contemplate what this meant, Fenris moved up to where Arlene was unwrapping her present, watching her as intently as her friends were. 

“Wow!” she exclaimed and held up the book she had been given, which was a rather unpopular book about a mage girl and how she stopped the world from being thrown into chaos by a malignant blight. Anders had owned the book for a long time but only found it in an old box when he’d been cleaning out old things. If Fenris was right about Arlene being a mage, which wouldn’t be surprising at all, given how many mages there were in her family, Anders felt he had a responsibility to share with her what he knew, and also what had helped him when he was younger. 

“Do you like it?” Anders asked as he walked up as well, stopping next to the couch and placing a hand gently on her head. She nodded vigorously and flipped through the pages, looking at the many pictures, vibrantly painted in too many colors to imagine. 

“What’s it about?” she then asked, her honey eyes shining brightly up at him, along with all the eyes of her friends. 

“Well,” Anders smiled and leaned against the back of the couch as he spoke. “It’s about a young girl who saves the world” As he spoke he gave Arlene a suggestive nod. “With the help of her trusted friends” he then went on and made a gesture to the kids sitting on and around the couch. 

“She saves the world?” Arlene asked, looking down at the leather bound book with awe in her eyes. It was uncommon for those kind of heroes in books, it seemed people didn’t approve of female heroes, even when Andraste herself had been a woman. Anders was happy he’d found this book for Arlene, as the hero wasn’t only a girl, but a mage as well. 

“That she does” Anders confirmed and made eye contact with Fenris, who was still smiling where he stood behind the other kids. 

“Do you want me to read it to you?” Fenris then asked and Anders couldn’t hide the surprise in his face, he was sure. He knew Fenris couldn’t know the book was about a mage though, and Fenris might have made the grown-up deduction that if he read to the kids, they might calm down somewhat and make babysitting them a little less demanding. 

“Yes!” Arlene half squealed and her friends did the same, as if reading a book was the most exciting thing they’d ever imagined. Anders grinned and met Fenris’ eyes with amusement, nodding in agreement when Fenris gave him a questioning sort of look. 

“Alright” Fenris then said and waved downward with his hands to make a couple of girls scoot over on the couch to give him room to sit down. Anders considered doing the same but then decided to sit on the back of the couch, where he had a good view of the pictures and the children’s expression. He let Fenris get ready, the children flocking closer on the floor and next to Arlene. Anders reached for a hairbrush that had been used as a sword and the been left discarded on the floor, then leaned his hip against the couch behind Arlene, smiling as he saw Fenris being slowly flooded by children. One particularly small girl, who was no more than four and probably a little sister of one of the other kids, had crawled into Fenris’ lap and was playing with his hair before Fenris even started reading. Arlene sat there with her big eyes following the words in the book, crawled up under Fenris’ free arm and turning every page for him while Anders brushed her hair. Within minutes all children in the room had gone quiet, and all you could hear was the sound of Fenris’ deep voice and the occasional gasp or laughter as the children reacted to Fenris dramatic reading. It was like the magic of the book itself had captivated them all, and Anders couldn’t help watching Fenris in awe. He really was full of surprises. 

The door leading to the kitchen, opened and Anders looked up. The kids were too emerged in the story to notice Hawke walking into the room, but Anders watched as the man stood there for a while, smiling at the sight of them all before he left again. Anders felt a deep twinge in his stomach as he watched Hawke’s wide shoulders disappearing from the room, before he reminded himself that he didn’t care anymore. At least not in the way his aching chest would like him to believe.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you've all been great and I'm terribly sorry for taking so long with chap 10! I just recently started working on it because of school being hard on me so now that I'm off for the summer (apart from work) I'm back in business again! I hope you haven't all given up on me!

Anders leaned back against the kitchen table as he watched Isabela do the dishes, her agile hands not seeming to mind the steaming hot water. He’d asked her a question a couple of minutes earlier but she must have been too wrapped up in her own thoughts at the time, because she hadn’t answered him yet. He looked down into his coffee cup and grinned at the thought of his friend, who had always been so attentive, now being too wrapped up in the thought of a girl to notice him. He was amused by the general idea of this, hence the grinning, but the thought itself still pulled at his stomach until it had dropped quite low in his abdomen. He knew what a new relationship could do to a person, and what it could do to that person’s other relationships. What would happen if Isabela ended up together with this mystery girl she refused to mention by name? What would happen to the time she would have otherwise shared with Anders? His fear of being unimportant, of being left behind combined with the glossed over look in Isabela’s eyes and the way she’d already stopped listening to what he was saying made old fears bubble up inside him. He knew Isabela would never hurt him on purpose, but what would she be like when she one day realized another person was more important to her than Anders was? 

“How about it?” He asked after yet another moment of silence between them, not repeating the question itself because even though he kept a happy note to his voice, he still wanted her to somehow feel bad for not hearing him the first time. 

“Hm?” she replied, turning to look at him before making an apologetic face. “I’m so sorry” she then cooed and pulled her hands out of the water to wrap them around his neck, making him laugh with discomfort as the water dripped down to dampen his shirt. “You know me, can’t keep track of more than one thought at the time” 

“That’s Hawke you’re talking about” Anders grinned, arms wrapped around her waist, fighting against the urge to stop being disappointed in her. She always had this effect on him. “I think you’ve run out of excuses when it comes to being distracted” 

“You’re probably right” she groaned and rested her forehead against his shoulder. “This is bloody torture, you know” 

“Oh, it can’t be that bad?” he asked back and gently stroked her hair, his fear and annoyance still lingering but slowly draining of heat now. “At least you seem to think this girl likes you back, right?” 

“That’s the damn point” Isabela murmured and gave a weak chuckle. “What if she’s totally into me and starts expecting stuff?” 

“I can’t give you good advice if you refuse to tell me who she is” Anders reminded and felt her tense up in his arms. 

“Not now” she then sighed. “I’m not ready for it to be real quite yet...” 

“Fine” Anders nodded and gave her a soft peck on the head before letting her go and picking his coffee cup back up again from where it had been discarded on the table. She stood there in front of him for a moment, head still bowed the way she’d rested it against his chest, like she wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. Anders didn’t know what to say. He wanted to be there for her, support her in this struggle she was clearly going through, but knowing if she did end up with the girl he might be all alone again hindered him from being quite as spontaneous as he would have liked to be. 

“You used to be distracted too, you know” She then suddenly said, turning back towards the water without looking at him first. Anders chose not to answer, even though he suspected where she was going with this, his stomach sinking even lower into his body. “For years really. Nothing I said could bring you back sometimes, having a normal conversation was out of the question” 

“And?” Anders replied, the word sounding a lot more defensive than he would have wanted it too, especially since he’d wanted to seem like he didn’t quite understand where she was going with it. 

“And nothing” Isabela said before sticking her hands back into the water again. “I know you don’t like this whole thing, the prospect of me finding someone to spend my crappy life with, besides you, it scares you, doesn’t it?” Anders didn’t answer this time either, and it seemed she wasn’t expecting him to. “It scares me too, Anders, you know why? Because I’ve gotten used to being alone, just like you. And I’ve gotten used to having no one to answer too, no one who tells me what to do… I’m scared shitless that if I get involved with her, that’s all going to change… No more late night wine drinking, no more takeout in front of the TV with my feet on the table, no more Anders sleep overs where I get to sleep on the good side of your bed and wake up with cats on my face, no more spontaneous trips and maybe she’d even expect me to give up my job...” 

“Why would she?” was all Anders managed to say, his own fears so vividly reflected in what she said that he felt his stomach clench into a tight ball of anxiety. 

“Because I can be gone for weeks at the time, Anders” Isabela groaned, sounding annoyed but the question was whether she was annoyed with his questions or with her life in general. He suspected it was the first, seeing as he’d always worried she’d one day grow tired of him. This might be it. “How can I be a part of a fully functioning relationship if I’m away all the time?” 

“You manage our relationship” Anders almost whispered, not finding enough strength to speak up as he tried to tell himself he couldn’t let his anxiety get the best of him. 

“True” was all she said in return and silence fell between them as she kept rubbing bubbles onto plates. After a while, where his coffee went cold and he placed the cup back on the table, Isabela spoke up again and this time she sounded almost hesitant when she spoke. “When you told me about your feelings for Hawke, I thought it was about time you admitted it to yourself” she said and Anders couldn’t help sighing slightly at her choice of subject. It was hard enough suppressing his feelings for the man, without his best friend bringing those feelings up all the time when he least expected it. “You’d been swooning over him for years, everyone in Kirkwall must have known by then, except maybe Hawke because, boy, is he bad at reading people” 

“He says he’s an excellent judge of character” Anders mumbled with a half grin and Isabela gave a short laugh. 

“Well, the irony in that only gets better when you know he’s being serious” she replied before resting her wet, slightly red hands on the counter and leaning her weight on them as she spoke. “Man, I could have bet money on him eventually figuring it out and the two of you disappearing into the sunset, leaving me behind in this forsaken town with nothing but a few stray cats to remember you by...” 

“But that didn’t happen” Anders reminded her, quietly. 

“True” she nodded and turned to look at him again, resting her body against the counter now. “I’m not saying it never could though, because no matter what you say about forgetting about him and what not, I can see as clear as day that you’re more at risk of falling even deeper in love with him than you were before” 

“Come off it” Anders protested weakly and broke eye contact, looking down at his mismatched socks in an attempt to focus on something else. 

“That doesn’t really matter though” Isabela continued as if he hadn’t said anything. “Because no matter if you’ll end up with him or some other strapping guy, or gal for that matter, I will always be here for you until the day you physically push me out of your bed” Anders looked up to meet her eyes again, feeling guilty for not trying harder to be there for her even though he knew it wasn’t something he could easily control. “That means even if I end up in a relationship with this girl, which his highly unlikely seeing as I never end up in relationships, but IF I do, I will still be here for you, alright?” 

“Yeah” Anders nodded and gave a small smile. “I know that” 

“Good” she replied. “Because I’m expecting your full support on this, Anders. No matter what happens” 

“Yes, ma’am” he nodded again. 

“No matter how distracted I am” she added, and a grin broke out on her face. 

“Of course” he agreed and took her hand which she’d extended towards him. 

“Because Maker knows I have dealt with you being distracted for years, Anders, and if I can learn how to deal with you being distracted, you can deal with me” 

Anders laughed, even though his stomach would not release the anxiety it had been holding onto so desperately for an hour or so. Isabela was probably the best person he’d ever known, the best friend he’d ever had, and yet he just couldn’t make himself believe that someone like her could ever want to be friends with someone like him. Even after years together, even when she kept insisting she would never leave him, he was surprised every time she showed up at his doorstep. Because why would she? He was sad, lonely and probably pathetic in everyone’s eyes but hers. Why was that? 

“So what was it you asked?” she suddenly asked, bringing him back from his existential thoughts. 

“I’m going out tonight, and I thought you might like to come, get your mind off of this girl just for a couple of hours” Anders repeated, almost apologetically now that she’d made her sentiments clear about the girl. 

“I’m sorry Anders” she answered and looked back at him over her shoulder with wrinkled brows. “I thought I told you before, but I sort of… said I’d go on a date with her tonight” 

“Yeah, of course” Anders hurried to smile, even nodded to make her feel less worried. “I remember now, you told me” He didn’t remember, frankly, she probably forgot to tell him, but she really didn’t need to know that when she’d made it clear how hard she was trying to make him feel comfortable. “I’m just forgetful, that’s all” 

“You could say that twice” she grinned but he caught a glimpse of relief on her face before she turned back to the water. “You sure that’s alright?” she then asked, as casually as if they were talking about the weather. Anders appreciated her effort of making this into less of a deal than it was for him, it meant he could pretend he didn’t feel forgotten and left out, at least for now. 

“Yeah” he assured and picked his coffee up again, taking a sip only to want to die when he realized how cold it was. He made a gagging sound and she looked around, seeming to half expect him to be barfing about her date. In his own defense, he handed her the cold cup and made a disgusted face. “You deserve some love” he then said, as she’d tipped the coffee into the sink and started washing the cup. “Besides, if you get bored you can always show up at the bar later” 

“Sure” she chuckled and he could see her shoulders relaxing. 

“You know” Anders decided to continue and went up to her, his hands reaching to rub her shoulders which made her pause her washing with a blissful sigh. “I don’t think you have to worry about all those awful relationship things”

“Really? How so?” 

“If she really likes you, she’ll like you for those things too” Anders grinned and kept rubbing her shoulders as he spoke. Everything he said was true, of course, because he couldn’t see why any of the half lazy things Isabela liked to do were bad things. But they were also true because if this girl didn’t appreciate his best friend for who she was, all baggage and bad habits included, what point was there in dating her? “And I’m not just saying that to be cheesy or to make you feel better, I actually mean it. You know, me and Karl we...” He stopped himself mid sentence and let his hands rest on her shoulders. 

He hadn’t meant to bring Karl into this, in fact, he hadn’t brought the man up this lightly before, with anyone. For years, Karl had been related to feelings of strength and fear in such a powerful combination that the subject of him had always been painful to bring up. Now that he’d started his sentence, he realized all he felt was the smile tugging at his lips and the lack of sadness frightened him. He knew people used to say “time heals all wounds” but he himself had always answered with “wounds leaves scars that never heal”, he’d never believed the great wound around his heart, the black hole left behind in the absence of Karl’s light, would mend. He’d grown used to, even grown to enjoy the pain he felt when he thought of his late husband, because when he felt pain and sadness, at least he still felt something. At least Karl was not forgotten. Was it really alright for him not to feel that way anymore?

“Sweetie?” Isabela asked softly, her words calming the new kind of fear growing within him as she placed a warm, wet hand over his cold fingers on her shoulder. She knew what he’d been though after Karl, she’d been there for most of it. He’d left Redcliffe so abruptly after everything had happened that when he’d settled down in Kirkwall he was still coping with Karl’s death. Isabela, being as social and inquisitive as she was, had soon found him in a weak moment and realized what he was suffering through. She’d been there for him through late night anxiety and sudden bathroom lock-ins. Lately he hadn’t felt the need to suddenly hide, not as much as he had back when he was new in the area, with the exception of that time he fled because of Hawke. 

Hawke. 

Karl would have loved Hawke. 

“Yeah” Anders answered, too late for Isabela to be convinced he was actually there with her. But before she had the time to speak again, he decided to continue. “What I meant to say was, back in Redcliffe, when I was still living on the street, he found me” Anders paused and took a deep breath, willing himself to speak through the flutter of pain rushing through his chest. He hadn’t really spoken about this with anyone, not even Isabela or Hawke. At least not when sober. 

“You don’t have to” Isabela hurried to say kindly in the natural pause, but Anders had made his mind up. 

“Yes I do” he assured and smiled as she gave him a compassionate look over her shoulder. “You just… keep doing the dishes” 

“Alright” she agreed and stuck her hands back into the water as Anders started rubbing her shoulders again.

“We knew each other from school, me and Karl,” Anders kept going and closed his eyes as memories he’d thought lost to him flooded his mind. “Karl he, well he was my mentor of sorts, back then. An older student with a better track record than the kid who kept making a mess of everything he did, including running away” Anders gave a dry chuckle as he thought of the many times he’d been sat down by the Headmaster, who’d tried his best to make a very young Anders understand that he couldn’t keep trying to run away from school all the time. That had been before Anders realized his parents had left him at the school because they really didn’t want him anymore. Because of what he was. “Of course, the Headmaster and the teachers had no idea Karl was more of a rebel than I was… man, I had such a crush on him”

“Really?” Isabela grinned ironically over her shoulder and he opened his eyes to look at her. “I could never have guessed” 

“Ha-ha” Anders replied sarcastically but then gave her a fragile smile before continuing. “When he left school I reached my breaking point. I couldn’t stay there anymore, not without my best friend and especially not when the security had gotten even tighter. So by the time I turned eighteen and was shipped off to one of the halfway houses, of sorts, I bolted. Spent years on the streets, doing anything I could to stay alive”

“You never told me that” Isabela half mumbled, and Anders sighed, thinking maybe she was disappointed in him for not telling her about one of the darkest times of his life. “I mean, I just… If you’d told me, I would have told you the same thing about myself” She then quickly added, as if his sight had betrayed his worry. He gently squeezed her shoulders in reply and silence fell between them for a moment. “But then Karl found you?” she asked after a while, starting the conversation back up for him. 

“Yeah” he nodded and smiled slightly. “I’d made my way to Redcliffe after stumbling over his name in an article. I knew he lived there somewhere, but I mean it’s a large place and by the time I arrived I was destitute and half dead already” he continued and noticed she was washing the dishes very silently, hanging on his every word. “Somehow I ended up in a fight at a bar, they knew I was a mage, probably my fault. I was beaten to a pulp, obviously, but suddenly Karl was there, took me home and took care of me” Anders took a break but felt warmth spread through his chest, only a slight melancholy sneaking up behind it, no pain, not yet. “He’d heard about me running away from school and tried in different ways to get a message to me that he was there, waiting for me. He came up with the idea to marry me, so that my name would change and I’d be harder to find. So I changed everything about myself, just to disappear from everyone’s radar. But what was it I said to you before..? I’m sure I had a point with this” Anders had lost himself in his own story, which had become longer and more involved than he’d planned. 

“That she’ll love all my faults” Isabela said after a moments thinking. 

“Oh” Anders grinned slightly, finding his thread again. “He always told me that he wouldn’t have married me if he didn’t love me” he then went on and let go of her shoulders to lean back against the table again. “I had a lot of problems back then, both after living for such a long time on the street but also from being treated so neglectfully at school, but he loved me anyway. I was worried, which probably comes as no surprise seeing as I still worry about everything, all the time, but I was worried for a long time whether he’d only married me to help me or not, which meant he spent the rest of his life telling me about all the things he loved about me, every day...”

“He sounds amazing” Isabela sighed and dried her hands before turning to look at him again. “Everyone isn’t like that, though, are they?” 

“Probably not” Anders shrugged and held onto the unfamiliar warmth now residing in his abdomen. “But that doesn’t make what I say invalid or untrue” he then continued gently and reached out to take her hand in his own. “You’re beautiful and funny and sometimes so annoying I could strangle you, but I love you for all those things, and more” 

“Maybe I should just date you instead” Isabela grinned, though he could see her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. 

“Some say we’re the ultimate match” Anders teased and squeezed her hand gently. 

“Who?” she asked, an eyebrow quirked in amusement. 

“I don’t know, some?” he grinned back. “My point is” he then continued, for the third time trying to get his thoughts across. “That if she ends up not loving everything about you then there are other people who do. I know you’re scared of getting your heart smashed if you dare to open up to her but the truth is that if you never even try, you might loose someone that actually does love you for exactly who you are”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Well then you dump her ass and come live with me for a week, or a month” Anders declared with an affirmative nod. “You can have a cat on either side of your pillow until you feel better and I can tell you every day just how lovely you are”

“You’ll be my Karl then?” she replied, jokingly but when he met her eyes he saw the deep worry still residing in them. 

“I’ll be your Karl” he promised, bringing her knuckles to his lips to gently kiss them. She smiled, but not as widely as she usually did, and they stood there for a moment, enjoying the quiet as Anders squeezed her hand in his. 

Later, after Isabela had promised to have a good time on her date, Anders told her he needed to go home and water his plants. Usually she would have seen through the bad excuse to leave, but she only smiled and gave him a peck on the cheek before he left. He knew she had much to worry about and much to be happy about as well, he expected, but he still couldn’t fight the fear as he walked down the street towards his own apartment. He knew she loved him, for once that wasn’t the problem. The problem was knowing how lonely he would get when someone else started loving her as much as she loved them. The thought of being left without her was so frightening he felt dizzy and had to sit down on a bench, about halfway home. He knew he’d always be a part of her life and that should really be enough for him. But seeing as no one seemed to fancy him as a life long partner these days, maybe he was doomed to be alone after all.

After actually watering his plants, cuddling one of his needy cats and changing his clothes, he made it out the door again. His hair was tied up in a loose bun and his clothes, some would say, were ill matched but he liked both the crop top with its cat print and how the pants fit his body. He’d never been the most confident person when it came to his looks, but he sure knew he had a great ass. As he walked down the street towards the Hanged Man, he thought about the earlier conversation with Isabela, and how the feeling of warmth from actually speaking about Karl was still lingering deep down in his chest. It was like something small inside him had changed, or shifted, like he knew now that he would be alright, even though he would never have believed he’d heal from losing Karl. He smiled slightly and took a deep breath, imagining Karl walking next to him, just talking excitedly about some ridiculous song he loved, he way he always used to. It felt better thinking about him now, even good. As he reached the club, however, he made sure to leave Karl outside. Bringing the thought of him into the crowded, dark space, bodies pushing against his own felt rather strange. He didn’t want Karl there if he found someone to spend some time with tonight. 

The club was more crowded than it usual was this early in the evening, and Anders decided that standing by the bar was probably his best bet at an eventual seat. The booths around the room were always occupied when the place was this crowded. He made his way over there, grinning as he saw people being a little bit too personal with each other on the dance floor, something that of course wasn’t uncommon, but it made him think about the man from before, him and his wandering hands, the way his voice sounded when he said Anders’ name. 

“Anders” 

He turned, surprised that the man he’d been thinking about would have come back to the same bar, on the exact same night as him, only to realize it wasn’t that man at all. It was Fenris. A shiver ran down his spine as familiar images of the man from before, mixed with the image of Fenris in the man’s place filled his mind. The guilt followed quickly after as he reminded himself that Fenris had never asked to be seen as an object of Anders’ desires and Anders himself was just confused and lonely, latching onto anyone he could to feel something other than sadness about Hawke. That was all it was. 

“Fenris” he answered and walked over to the man, refusing to acknowledge the memory of warm lips around his cock and the ringing of Fenris’ voice in his ears. It was almost frightening how real the memory felt, even though he knew it hadn’t happened like that. 

“Here alone?” Fenris asked, seeming slightly awkward in this environment but looking extremely good in his casual t-shirt and black slacks, something Anders couldn’t stop himself from noticing even though he tried really hard not to look. Fenris watched him in silence, waiting for an answer Anders forgot to give, before he spoke again. “Anders?” 

“Yes” Anders hurried to reply with a smile, tearing his eyes from Fenris’ body. For some reason the man seemed different in this setting, in comparison to how he’d looked at Hawke’s place last they saw each other, compared to how Anders had felt when looking at him back then too. Maybe it was the fact that Anders usually came here to find someone to spend the night with, seeing Fenris here so soon after spending time with another Tevinter might be what made him feel mixed up and slightly confused. Or maybe he noticed Fenris’ in another way now that Isabela had been joking about it, and when Anders had finally decided not to cry about Hawke anymore (which he’d already failed at, by the way). No matter the reason, Anders felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment and just a hint of shame. Fenris didn’t seem like the kind of person who’d appreciate what was running through Anders’ head, after all. 

“Isabela taking the night off?” Fenris asked, his eyes moving away from Anders’ for a short time to look around the club. Obviously he didn’t trust that Anders had actually heard him. 

“Yeah she’s on a date” Anders said before he realized maybe that was something she didn’t want people to know. “Or I don’t know, maybe she just stood me up” 

“I see” Fenris half mumbled and Anders could have swore for a moment that the man’s eyes lingered momentarily at the cat print on Anders’ crop top. Anders only grinned at this and signaled the bartender for a drink. After all the time he’d spent there, the man behind the bar knew his regular order by now. Fenris took a sip of his own drink, which was one Anders hadn’t seen before but suspected was some kind of cocktail.

When Anders’ drink finally arrived, cold perspiration between his fingers, he relaxed somewhat. It wasn’t the alcohol that did it, he’d hardly consumed any yet. It was the familiar feeling of something cold to latch onto, something that was constant in this very eventful, loud and crowded place. He was at home here, as much as he was in his apartment, something that sometimes worried him slightly, because it couldn’t be healthy. Or at least he knew that’s what Hawke would have said, seeing as Hawke didn’t go out partying these days as much as he’d used to. As he raised the drink to his lips he noticed Fenris following the movement of his hand with his green eyes, watching quietly as Anders drank slowly. If Anders hand’t known better he would have interpreted that look as less innocent than it probably was. He’d seen similar gazes too many times to count in the dark corners of the club, people who watched him intently until he came over to them and asked if they weren’t going to buy him a drink. Fenris seemed just as interested as anyone Anders had slept with, or… stood up with in the confined space of the upstairs bathroom or such, and Anders almost chuckled as he licked his bottom lip and saw Fenris watching. He knew Fenris probably wasn’t thinking the same things as those he’d hooked up with, but the sight of Fenris keen eyes lingering at his mouth was quite amusing. 

It did something else to Anders too, something he wouldn’t have wanted to acknowledge if he was anywhere else but here, but Fenris’ intense eyes sent shivers down his spine. The memories from before, with the man who’s accent was just like Fenris’, played against his senses again at the thought of those eyes looking up at him from between his legs or looked down at him as Anders returned the favor. He could feel the prickling sensation of fingertips against his skin, rough hands burying in his hair, the cold rush against his neck at a sharp intake of breath when Anders reached down between them. Really, he could let this get completely out of hand if he wanted to, but Fenris had looked away and Anders was reminded of just how weird it would seem to him if he ever found out what Anders had been thinking about the two of them. 

“You here alone then?” Anders asked, after yet another moments silence. The space between them hadn’t felt exactly awkward, but there was still something cold lingering in the way Fenris moved himself, as if he hadn’t quite let go of the fact that Anders was a mage. Or maybe that was just something Anders was telling himself. Fenris had said he didn’t think badly of him, after all. Maybe, for once in his life, Anders should just accept an apology for what it was, and not overthink everything everyone told him. Easier said than done, but then so again were a lot of things. 

“Yes” Fenris answered, looking back at Anders almost too quickly, as if he’d been pulled out of his own thoughts from some far away place himself. “I was out of alcohol at home” he then added and met Anders’ gaze, his eyes avoidant for a moment before they lingered calmly, locked to his. 

“Not worried you’ll run into those guys from before?” Anders asked, teasingly, making sure he wasn’t being serious. To his surprise, that comment brought a grin to Fenris’ face. 

“Might have been” he replied and held his drink up as if making a toast. “But now you’re here to save me, I think I will be alright” 

“Better than alright” Anders assured and grinned as he lifted his own glass to gently nudge Fenris’, a wave of goosebumps rippling down his arm and body as his fingertips accidentally nudged against Fenris’, growing stronger as those green eyes widened slightly when they locked onto Anders’, as if Fenris had felt it too. They stood there for a split second, almost as if wondering what had just happened, before Fenris broke eye contact and had a drink from his glass. Anders did the same, his fingertips still tingling. His chest felt warm as he closed his eyes momentarily, feeling silly at how his body reacted from such a simple touch. One would have assumed that after all he’d done, especially in this place, he would have needed more than something like that to make his mind race and his pulse quicken. But apparently this was what he had been reduced to. He blamed Hawke. If he hadn’t been in love with him for such a long time, maybe the thought of being intimate with other close friends of his wouldn’t seem so intoxicating. That was probably what it was. Nothing else. 

“So, since I left Arlene’s party early” Anders eventually willed himself to say, shivering as Fenris looked back at him once more. “Did she ever get that puppy?” 

“She did” Fenris answered shortly and seemed to fight with himself before looking away again. 

“I see” Anders nodded, slightly disappointed that he hadn’t made the man look at him longer. Somewhere inside him, his conscience was yelling at him not to play this game. No matter how it ended, it would change him, it might change Fenris. After what they’d been through as friends, did he really want to jeopardize that for the cheep thrill of flirting..? Especially when Fenris didn’t deserve a train wreck like Anders hanging on his every word, his every look. But Anders ignored the voice with a grin, accepting his internal challenge to get Fenris to look at him like that again, his green eyes full of purpose and his lips slightly parted. It wasn’t like he wanted to seduce the man, only play with him a little. As Isabela had said, Fenris was one fine looking man, and in this place, Anders always lived for men like him to look back at him twice. 

“I’m glad for her” Anders added, watching Fenris as he drank from his own glass. Fenris was watching the dance floor now, eyes stopping momentarily before continuing onwards. Anders threw a look that way and grinned as he assumed Fenris had been watching the two men, standing in the midst of it all, arms wrapped around each other. “Jealous?” Anders asked, watching the reaction on Fenris’ face with amusement, as the man’s eyes widened slightly and his ears turned visibly darker, even in this light. 

“What?” Was all Fenris asked, something which quite surprised Anders. 

Usually, if someone was discovered watching a couple, they would deny looking at them, or when they were asked if they were interested, they would at least ignore the question, change the subject or answer back with something similar to: “I suppose I could ask you the same thing”. But not Fenris. He was watching the couple again, which to Anders seemed like a confession that yes, he had been watching them before. He also didn’t sound the least defensive as he spoke, and Anders was left chuckling. 

“You heard me” he said and felt that same shudder pass through his body as Fenris slowly looked away from the two people on the dance floor, his eyes landing on Anders again. 

“I did” Fenris admitted and blinked slowly as Anders deliberately bit his lip. “What of it?” 

“Nothing” Anders grinned and drank some more of his drink, which had now gotten quite a lot less cool from being held, forgotten, in his hand. He was painfully aware that Fenris was still watching him, something which both made the hairs stand up pleasantly at the back of his neck, but also made that internal voice scream at him to stop flirting, or else. Really, there could be no downsides in flirting with Fenris, it wasn’t like the man would get the hint and ask for a quickly in the bathroom after all. This wasn’t some random, horny guy who was begging to buy Anders drinks, this was Fenris. Broody, quiet Fenris who didn’t ask for forgiveness and hardly shared even one political opinion with Anders. Why would he possibly take the bait? It wasn’t like Anders actually wanted him to either, the images and mixed up memories from before were only Anders’ fucked up brain telling him he needed to be close to someone, anyone at all. Yes, Fenris was good looking and had they not known each other, Anders might have considered him. But it wasn’t like he wanted it now… 

Right?

“I’m curious” Fenris insisted and placed his half empty glass on the counter as he watched Anders intently, his eyes not wavering this time, his lips slowly forming a grin. 

“I bet you are” Anders answered back and felt his chest burn momentarily, forcing him to take a deep breath as rude thoughts of Fenris between his legs resurfaced when he met Fenris’ eyes. He knew it was probably just because Fenris was hot and was standing right there, eyebrows quirked, voice as close to flirtatious as Anders had ever heard it. But no matter the reason, it completely drowned out the voice in his head, telling him to stop. 

“If I was, jealous, I mean” Fenris then said and nodded sideways at the couple, who were now doing more than dancing, Anders could tell from only a quick glance. “What would you do about it, Anders?” 

That well known shiver rushed down his body again at the mention of his name, and Anders looked back into Fenris’ eyes in slight disbelief. He had never seen this part of Fenris before, the part that teased and raised an eyebrow with a grin as he must have seen Anders’ cheeks go from pink to red. The change in Fenris’ behavior had been so sudden that Anders had been thrown off balance, lost his footing in a game he’d thought was his own. He didn’t answer, wasn’t sure what he should say, only aware of his heart beating so hard in his chest that he could hear it in his ears. For a moment he contemplated excusing himself and leaving, before this got any further. He wasn’t sure why, but he suspected he didn’t want Fenris to suddenly stop and laugh and just say he was joking. Fenris didn’t seem the type, but then again, Anders wouldn’t have expected this behavior from him either. It was one thing to go from friends to friends with benefits, even start dating, another thing entirely to be led on and then laughed at. It was with a pang of confusion that Anders realized his knees went weak at the thought of Fenris actually wanting to do more than just laugh at him. 

“Are you offering to ease my jealousy?” Fenris then added to his previous comment and Anders’ heart stopped momentarily in his chest. Fenris’ tone was joking and calm, but his eyes were just as keen as they had been the last few minutes and Anders couldn’t tear his gaze away as he saw Fenris’ tongue gently stroke his bottom lip. 

“Hah, always” Anders managed to answer, jokingly but the breathlessness of his voice betraying him. He tried to grin casually, as if he’d just made any random joke, but Fenris watched his every move and Anders had to look away to stop his own body betraying him. It would have amused him how quickly Fenris had gone from enemy, to friend to object of his desires, if only Anders had been in control of the moment. As it was, Anders hardly knew what was going on, whether Fenris was only pulling his leg or actually asked him, quite calmly, if Anders was up for playing the game. 

“I’m sorry” Fenris then suddenly said and straightened up, from where he’d been leaning against the side of the bar. Anders looked back at him in time to see the teasing glint vanish from his eyes as quickly as it had gotten there. “I have made you uncomfortable” 

“You haven’t...” Anders hurried to say, but Fenris was already closing himself off to him, so strikingly visible that it took Anders’ breath away.

“Excuse me” Fenris nodded and left as Anders watched him, up the stairs towards the bathrooms. Anders sat there for a moment, his mind working overtime as he thought about what had just happened. Fenris’ last comment if anything, had been the biggest proof that he’d actually been serious, or else Anders was going completely mad. He had been flirted with? By Fenris? And even though Anders had told himself for days, possibly weeks, that he had no interest in the man, especially not sexually, he felt a strong urge to punch someone at the lack of flirting skills he had shown himself. Why he regretted not being more obvious, he wasn’t sure, but he chose not to question his own motives as he pushed away from the bar and rushed up the stairs after Fenris. 

The door to the toilets was heavier than usual, or at least it seemed that way to Anders, but he pushed it open anyway and almost stumbled into the room. Fenris was standing by one of the many sinks, looking up in surprise at seeing Anders there, letting the cold metal go almost awkwardly but not speaking. 

“Why do you always run away?” Anders half mumbled, catching his breath and locking eyes with the man who seemed to have, for the moment, turned his world on end. “I mean… every time we’re getting somewhere, you always run from me” 

“Habit” Fenris replied, his voice deeper than usual, and his eyes burning into Anders core. Anders hadn’t realized until now that he was shivering all over, and Fenris looked almost as confused as Anders felt. 

“Bad habit” Anders commented, moving across the room almost without being able to control himself. 

“I know” Fenris agreed and before Anders knew it, Fenris was so close all he had time to do was close his eyes before he felt Fenris’ lips against his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I think we all know what happened next ;) here's the link if some of you have forgotten, or would like to read it again! 
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6301288/chapters/14439211


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! another chapter written and another rough month leading up to it (i know i promised to be back on track but then my cat got really really sick (he's fine now!) and i had to challenge my inner Anders to deal) but here we are! 
> 
> some ableism warnings for this chapter, toward the end, just so you know!

Anders leaned his forehead against the cold tile of the bathroom wall of his own clean bathroom, which smelled faintly of lavender and soap. He was trembling all over and the tiles felt almost warm in comparison to the cold water rushing over his body. He closed his eyes hard and cursed quietly before hitting his forehead against the white, hard surface. He’d been standing there under the cold water for at least twenty minutes and his heart was still racing, pumping boiling hot blood through his veins. He could hardly believe what him and Fenris had just done; in truth, Fenris taking off the way he’d done was the only believable thing to him. After that, Anders had stood there, confused, rock hard and with a growing lump of sadness in his gut for far too long before he’d managed to leave. By the time he’d gotten back downstairs Fenris had left the club, naturally. 

Anders sighed and stepped shivering out of the shower, wrapping his thick robe around him and sticking cold toes into fluffy slippers. When he opened the door to the bathroom, ready to sink miserably into his bed and watch bad TV, Pounce, the cat, was sitting there, waiting for him. The cat made a loud purring noise and walked up to cuddle Anders’ wet leg, with no thought of getting wet himself. Anders smiled a little and bent to pat the cat’s ginger fur, but felt immediately dizzy and decided it was best just to fall into bed. The cat followed him into the bedroom and crawled in beneath the covers when Anders did, sleeping against Anders’ leg within minutes. Sometimes he marveled at how intuitive cats were, because it really felt like Pounce knew Anders needed his soft, warm company right now.

He lazily turned the TV on and sank back against all his fluffy pillows, reaching for the bag of chips he’d been smart enough to dig out of a cupboard in the kitchen before walking into his cold shower. He glanced at his phone from time to time, but Isablea still hadn’t answered. Of course she wouldn’t answer, not when she was still out with her girl, he understood that, but this was exactly what he’d worried about before. She was too busy to respond, even when he was miserable. He looked at the time and realized it was later than he’d thought, which might even mean Isabela was spending the night away from home. He crawled further into his bundle of blankets and kept watching TV as the minutes ticked by, jealousy of Isabela’s successes burning deep down in his stomach, contributing to his loneliness until there was an aching ball of blackness in his gut, a hole no amount of chips could fill. 

He must have fallen asleep like that, because he woke up at twelve in the afternoon the next day, wrapped up in his robe, the bag of chips nowhere to be found and a terrible taste of onions in his mouth. He looked around for the remote and turned the TV off, which had been on the entire night, before crawling out of bed to find the cats. He was wondering for a while why they hadn’t woken him up for breakfast at seven in the morning, like they usually did, but by the time he stepped into the kitchen and stepped on the first stray chip he realized the reason for their lack of appetite. He sighed and picked up the pieces he found before making tea. After a while, he heard a tired purr and Pounce came walking slowly into the kitchen, stretching his long body while walking. Anders poured some food, just to be sure they got some if they were still hungry and then went to sit on the bed again. 

His phone lit up and for a moment he thought Isabela might have finally answered his twenty messages from the night before, but it was Hawke. Anders was disappointed, but only in Isabela for not texting him back, happy that Hawke had been thinking of him. He picked up his phone and held his teacup with his left hand while checking the message. 

i went by the clinic today  
but you weren’t there  
you ok?

Anders smiled a little, trying not to freak out about forgetting to open the clinic. He reminded himself to put a sign up later, saying something about ‘closed because illness’ because he sure didn’t feel like opening it up today. He leaned back against his pillows again and replied. 

I’m miserable today  
wanna hang?

Hawke took his time replying to this and Anders continued drinking his tea while scrolling on his phone. He tried to see if Isabela had updated any of her pages and found some pictures from the night before, but none of her with a girl she seemed to be dating. Maybe the date had ended badly and she had gone to some bar instead, to blow off steam, ended up with someone new for the night. Didn’t seem impossible to him, but she would have texted then. She always texted him, knowing how much he worried, both about her safety but also how much he worried in general. He decided that if Hawke didn’t have time to meet him, he would go over to Isabela’s place and see if she was there, or wait for her until she came back home. He needed to know she was alright, and if she was, he needed to tell her how growingly upset he was becoming. 

After another while of scrolling and drinking his tea, when his eyes were growing more heavy again and he contemplated sleeping most of the remaining day away, the door bell suddenly rang. Thankfully for Anders, he’d finished his tea, otherwise he would have gotten it all over himself when he woke up from his half slumber, letting go of the cup in the process. Pounce scrambled under the blankets and ran for the door as soon as he came out, always behaving like a dog around strangers. Anders checked his phone before getting out of bed too, but he had received no messages about someone coming over. He slowly walked out into the hallway, pulling his robe more tightly around himself before peaking through the small hole in the wood, to see Hawke standing outside with a grin on his face. 

Anders opened the door and didn’t have time to say a word before Hawke barged into the apartment, swinging a large paper bag in one hand and holding two large cups of drinks in the other. 

“Anders, darling!” Hawke exclaimed and beamed at him, holding the bags up so Anders caught a whiff of hot chocolate and something freshly baked. “There’s no need to feel like crap, I bear gifts” 

“Good morning, Garrett” Anders smiled back and relaxed somewhat, letting go of his tight hold on the robe now that he knew it was only Hawke. Maybe he should have been more nervous, seeing as he was naked under the robe, but it wasn’t like he’d ever caught Hawke being upset about something like that, besides, he was too interested in the hot chocolate to worry about his own lack of underwear. 

“Now, you tell me what’s upsetting you and I will do whatever I can to make your day less miserable” Hawke smiled when they’d walked into the kitchen, closely followed by Pounce, who was purring happily against Hawke’s legs. Anders smiled awkwardly and took the cups of hot chocolate from him, opening the lids and reaching for some mini marshmallows in one of his cupboards, mostly to buy him time. 

“Marshmallows?” he asked over his shoulder and heard Hawke chuckle slightly before replying. 

“You’re avoiding the subject” he said, but continued. “Yes, please” 

“Am not” Anders lied and added a handful to each cup, before deciding to pour the contents into new mugs, seeing as they had access to nicer things to drink from than paper cups. “I’m just focusing on what’s important”

“You’re saying hot chocolate is more important than your own feelings, Anders” Hawke pointed out, and although he grinned when Anders handed him his cup, he could hear the slight worry in Hawke’s voice. “I’m not sure if I have to tell you this, but to me, your feelings are way more important than marshmallows in my cup” 

Anders knew this was just a way for Hawke to express worry for him, and saying he was more important than hot chocolate toppings wasn’t the most splendid compliment Anders had ever received, but the words still made his heart flutter for a moment. He didn’t want to acknowledge his feelings for Hawke, because they always brought sadness and disappointment, but when Hawke looked at him like that, those clear eyes smiling gently at him from over the rim of the cup, he couldn’t help being pulled in. 

“Anders?” Hawke asked, softly, after a while of silence between them. Anders nodded, bringing his own cup to his mouth and gently drinking from it, not to burn his lips. “You know I care, right? I mean, you know I want to make you happy”

“Of course” Anders smiled, but quickly turned away to take care of the paper bag of baked goods so that he didn’t have to look Hawke in the eye when they spoke. He knew Hawke only meant well, but when he said things like this it always sounded like he meant something else, something deeper than Anders would let himself believe. 

“If you don’t feel like telling me about it, I still want to help you out, in any way I can” Hawke half mumbled from behind him, sending shivers down Anders spine. 

“Thanks” Anders nodded and hid a sigh as he thought of Hawke’s warm arms around him, his loud laugh vibrating through his chest, into Anders core. Those were the things that could help him right now, but he could never ask for them. 

“What do you say to the two of us doing something this weekend?” Hawke then asked, a strange, quite rare hesitance in his voice that Anders had only heard on a few occasions. For the life of him he couldn’t understand what that shivering note in his voice meant. But before he had a chance to figure it out, Hawke had moved up to him and wrapped a warm arm around Anders’ waist, burying his nose in Anders’ neck from behind. “Just the two of us” 

“Mm” was all Anders could reply as he closed his eyes and sank back into the hug with closed eyes. He wanted to relax like this, like he used to be able to before, and for a moment, warm bliss washed over him and he drew a sigh of relief, but then that look in Fenris’ eyes pushed into his conscious thoughts and Anders opened his eyes again. Fenris’ hands covering his skin had left marks no cold showers could wash off, it seemed, and all Anders could do to shake off the feeling was pull away from Hawke. He did so gently, as to not seem ungrateful for the comfort he’d been offered, smiling slightly over his shoulder. “What did you have in mind?”

“Is the Sundermount amusement park too cheesy?” 

“Definitely” Anders half grinned and turned so that he was leaning against the counter when drinking his chocolate. Hawke was watching him intently, one hand reaching to save his cup from Pounce’s curious nose.

“Then the amusement park it is” Hawke decided, grinning broadly when Anders met his eyes. Maker, he loved this man and the way his smile could light up his entire soul. Even though this sounded like a date, which it of course wasn’t, Andes decided to ignore the pain of wanting it to be something more than it was, for the sake of letting happiness wash over him. If only for a moment. He would get to spend an entire day alone with Hawke, in an amusement park, where they could laugh and run around like kids, maybe even… He stopped himself there and smiled down into his chocolate, watching the marshmallows swim around in there for a moment. He wouldn’t let his imagination get away with him. He would just enjoy this moment and the park, until the moment was over. He didn’t need any fantasies about what might, but probably wouldn’t, happen.

“Sounds good” Anders nodded when he looked back up after a while and saw Hawke watching him quizzically. Hawke smiled again and raised his cup in the air, as if toasting to the occasion. 

“It’s a date then” 

The words that left Hawke’s mouth took so long to sink into Anders understanding that by the time he drew breath, ready to actually ask the man if he truly meant that as “date”, Hawke had moved over to the counter and started preparing the croissants he’d brought in the brown paper bag. Anders lost his nerve instantly, like so many times before, and instead just stood there, watching the small smile playing across Hawke’s lips while he worked, splitting the croissants in half and fetching hazelnut butter from a cupboard. Anders wanted to curse at himself for not having the guts to actually ask Hawke what he’d meant. If Isabela had been there to coach him, she would have fussed about his inability to be frank with the man. Again. 

They sat down on Anders bed to eat their croissants. Both of them had finished their chocolate long before the pastry, but Hawke went up to fetch them some milk. Anders tucked his cold toes underneath his fluffy duvet and hugged his knees as he waited for the glasses of milk to arrive, along with the handsome asshole he’d always wanted to go to bed with, only in his fantasy he hadn’t quite imagined it like this. He wasn’t complaining though. The sight of Hawke sitting all sweet and relaxed on his bed was a sight he’d keep close to his heart from now on.

“I’ve been thinking” Hawke said when he walked back into the room with a tray in his hands, he’d fetched some grapes from the fridge, as well as some chocolate covered biscuits, and he placed the tray carefully on the bed before he spoke again. “I know you might not want to tell me what’s been going on with you, and I’m not Isabela, I know, but if you’d like to at least vent about some of it… I mean” he paused and seated himself slowly, not to disturb the glasses of milk on the tray. Anders popped a grape into his mouth to not look as awkward as he felt. “You don’t have to tell me specifics, just in broad strokes...” 

“I don’t know, Hawke” Anders mumbled and gave a chuckle that sounded more like a sigh of someone who’s given up. Hawke smiled a little and leaned in closer, cupping Anders’ hand with his own. 

“It’s alright” he then said. “You don’t have to” 

Anders was grateful for the chance not to, that Hawke wasn’t trying to push him. The thought actually made Anders slightly more eager to tell him about what had happened. Knowing it was up to him and not something Hawke demanded of him made the subject seem a little less horrible, and more like something Hawke might actually be able to help with. Anders knew this wasn’t the case though, nothing Hawke said could make it better, not right now. He looked up to meet Hawke’s eyes and lost himself for a moment in them. Before he could stop himself, he started talking. 

“I did something I shouldn’t have done” he heard himself say and felt his cheeks immediately flush at the thought of Fenris’ warm breath against his neck. “Or I mean, I did something and I think maybe the person who I was with might have wished it didn’t happen” 

“Oh” Hawke replied, looking slightly confused but if Anders knew him well enough, Hawke probably understood more than he was letting on. “This thing you did, did you want to do it?” 

“At the time, yes” Anders admitted and looked away from Hawke’s searching eyes. “I mean, if it was only up to me I suppose I still wouldn’t want to change what I did but...” 

“You’re worried that you upset this other person?” 

“Yeah” Anders admitted and bit his lips as he fought against the images flooding his mind; Fenris pushing against him, his hands pulling at Anders’ hair, his stifled moans and groans echoing through the silent bathroom, the look of confusion mingled with fear that had passed over Fenris’ face before he left the booth… “I’m scared I might have fucked up irreversibly, this time” 

“I’m sure you haven’t” Hawke assured and smiled gently as he searched for eye contact. “Look, I have no idea what it is you have done, or what this other person did to give you the impression that you’ve fucked up big time, I just know that if this person is a friend of yours they couldn’t possibly be angry at you for long, if they’re even angry in the first place” He paused and Anders met his eyes this time. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure him and Fenris counted as friends, and he certainly wasn’t sure Fenris would get over this, but he managed to nod back at Hawke with a smile. “See,” Hawke then continued, obviously convinced that what he’d said had helped Anders more than it had. “Besides, you’re not a bad person Anders. You couldn’t possibly do any irreversible harm to any relationship, I’m sure of it. Just wait for this person to come around, because they will”

“How do you know?” Anders half mumbled and decided to drink some milk to hide his frustration. 

“Because you’re worth it” Hawke declared matter of factly, his eyes twinkling as he smiled. “And anyone who can’t see that isn’t worthy to be called your friend anyway” 

“I don’t agree” Anders sighed but returned Hawke’s smile. “But I’ll give you the benefit of a doubt, just because it’s you”

Hawke laughed at this and then invited Anders to eat the rest of his croissant, which Anders happily agreed too, both because it was a croissant and because it meant he had a good reason not to keep talking. After they’d eaten, Hawke had to leave but made sure to write Anders a sign for the clinic first, which he promised to put up on the door downstairs on his way out. Anders was then tucked back in bed, a newly brewed cup of tea on his nightstand, Hawke insisting that he sleep some more and text him when he was feeling better, before he planted a soft kiss on Anders forehead and left. Anders crawled in deep under the covers and cursed at his own feelings, sparked once more by those soft lips against his skin and the feel of Hawke’s beard tickling his nose. What he wouldn’t give to feel those lips against his own…

He sighed under the warm covers and closed his eyes, letting his feelings take over for just a moment, letting his imagination create vivid sensations throughout his body; Hawke reaching up to stroke his cheek before leaning in for a morning kiss, Hawke laughing so close to his neck it sent vibrations through Anders’ entire body, Hawke’s hands gently tracing patterns across his abdomen, Hawke’s fingers sliding downwards and softly tracing the rim of his boxer briefs. 

Anders gave a small gasp at the way these thoughts affected him, warmth pooling beneath his navel from just thinking about Hawke’s hands searching his body, making Anders’ cock pound dully with every heartbeat. Anders wasn’t a stranger to jerking off, nor was he embarrassed that Hawke made him so eager to pleasure himself, he was used to that sensation by now. But this time everything felt so… real. Imagining Hawke’s lips tracing kisses along his belly sent goosebumps running down his thighs in a way it hadn’t done before, dragging his own fingers over his hipbones and pulling teasingly at own his boxers was like having Hawke do it to him, and Anders got hard so quickly it must be a new record, even for him. 

“Fuck” he cursed under his breath, staying silent, not because he had to, but because he liked the idea of being forced into silence because of circumstance. He let out a quivering breath and arched his hips upward, toward the soft fabric of the duvet, groaning from the lack of friction against his cock, trembling at the feeling, as if it was Hawke keeping friction from him. Within minutes like this, hands dragging against his thighs and hips pushing helplessly against the duvet above him, he was leaking, a wet stain creating damp friction that was almost too much to handle. 

“Fuck me” he mumbled, imagining the look of mixed awe and amusement passing over Hawke’s face when hearing the begging tone in Anders’ voice. “Please” he added, a grin spreading across his own face as he slowly got up on all fours, legs trembling slightly as he leaned forwards on his forearms, his cock straining against the confines of his underwear. He stood like that for a moment, panting into the mattress, deep breaths turning into warmth in his chest. Soon, however, the dull aching in his dick became too much for him, and he reached in between his legs to gently run his fingers along the length of him, shuddering from the small amount of pleasure he was allowing himself. Correction: the small amount of friction Hawke was allowing him. He imagined strong hands gripping his hips, calloused fingers running over his back to reach for Anders’ hair, gripping hold and pulling his head backwards. Anders let out a stifled moan and moved his hips back against Hawke’s imagined body, feeling the man’s cock against his ass as he did so.

“Shit” he groaned and lifted his head from the mattress, just as he would have if his head had actually been pulled back the way he fantasied about. He’d seen what Hawke looked like, how his body was built, his cock as well, and fuck it wasn’t something to be disappointed of. He moved his hand slightly, his entire palm resting against his cock as he brought his hips into a steady rocking motion, legs shaking even more now. He bit down hard on his lip, hard enough to break the skin where they’d become dry from panting, and suddenly the taste of metal filled his mouth, flooding his senses. He groaned again and shifted his weight so that his other hand was free, his cheek resting hard against the mattress once more, reaching to let two fingers trace the outline of his own lips. He wasn’t quite sure where he was going with this, until he pushed the fingers into his mouth almost automatically, sucking greedily as he rocked against his hand. He closed his eyes and imagined the salty, bitter taste of pre-cum on his tongue, the taste of metal intensifying and suddenly his whole body gave a shudder of pleasure, bringing the thought of Fenris’ cock rocking against his tongue back into his mind. 

Anders opened his eyes in slight surprise at this image. Not really surprised that someone he’d just had sex with entered into one of his fantasies, but that the presence of Fenris didn’t remove the need to feel Hawke filling him up. He could still feel Hawke’s hands on him so vividly, fingers digging into his hips, soft lips and tickling beard against the small of his back as he placed kisses there… But Fenris’ cock against his palette was equally thrilling, here in the familiarity and comfort of his own home, his bed, to have Fenris hands buried deep in his hair, his body trembling as Anders’ played with his cock the way he hadn’t had time to do in that bathroom. 

The thought of Hawke fucking him, hearing the man grunt and pant the way Anders imagined he would, was exhilarating all on its own, bringing Fenris into the mix was… well. Better. Anders had imagined threesomes before, many times, but none had ever been this clear, this incredibly realistic, and all he could do was moan as he spilled come over his palm, the burning sensation of lyrium on his mind as he enjoyed the way his imaginary lovers filled him up. 

“Fuck” he mumbled as he eventually sank down onto the mattress, lazily reaching for a wet napkin, something he always kept in the drawer of his bedside table for such occasions as this. After wiping himself off gently, he lay there panting for a moment, eyes closed, holding onto the feeling of strong arms around him, someone pressing soft kisses against his neck… He could feel no tickling beard accompanying these kisses. He smiled slightly, ready to drift off into sound sleep at any moment, but the sudden buzz from his phone startled him out of relaxation and made him grope for it under the covers. 

It was from Isabela. 

I’m coming over

That was all she said. Anders looked at the message in slight disbelief, his gut quickly sinking deep into his body. He’d been suspecting she might have been too busy to text him back, but at least he had been hoping to get a thorough reply to his messages by the time she actually texted him back. Given, she was heading his way, but couldn’t she at least have told him she was sorry she hadn’t been there for him when he needed her to be? 

Anders reluctantly got out of bed and dragged himself to the shower. He made sure to clean himself properly this time, not just stand under cold water the way he’d done last time. His long hair was a complete mess, even though no one had actually pulled it, which just brought images back to him and made him shiver. It took quite a lot of willpower – and some cold water – to convince his mind that he wasn’t in fact going to jerk off again. Instead, he stepped out of the shower and pulled his robe on, went to make himself a cup of tea and placed himself firmly on the couch in the living room as he waited for Isabela to show up. 

It took her quite some time. When he finally heard her key turn the lock, he’d watched two episodes of his least favorite cooking show and had worked up quite a strong argument to throw in her face about why he was disappointed in her. He stayed on the couch and let her come to him, not at all feeling up to the usual pleasantries. He knew he was probably being petty and childish, but he needed her to understand how much he’d needed her, and how hurt he was that she hadn’t been there for him. 

“Hey handsome” she called from the hallway, to which he replied only with a murmur. He wasn’t sure she even heard him, but she didn’t seem to mind. She was heading into the kitchen, probably looking for him. “I was thinking maybe we could cook some dinner together, I’m starving!” she called out and he could hear her opening the fridge and putting stuff in it. Anders didn’t reply to this, but waited for her to come to him. “Hey you” she said with a smile as she entered the living room, after minutes of unpacking her bags in the kitchen.

“Where were you?” Anders asked, without taking his eyes off the TV. He knew he sounded cold and angry, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

“What do you mean?” she asked slowly, knowing exactly what he was getting at. “I was on a date, you know that...” 

“Yes, of course I know that, I’m not senile!” Anders snapped back and couldn’t have stopped the hurt and anger from showing in every word even if he wanted to. He turned on the couch to look at her and part of him felt happy when he saw the look of guilt on her face. “I’m just curious to find out that when you’re with someone else, Maker forbid you help out a friend who needs your help” 

She looked taken aback by this, crossing her arms defensively over her chest and opening her mouth as if she was about to reply, initially, but no words came. Anders felt uncomfortable with the silence, uncomfortable that he’d brought it up like this when she so clearly didn’t have anything to say for herself. He’d expected her to come as prepared as he was, never imagined her to not have prepared even the slightest bit of defense. 

“I’m always here for you, you know that, Anders” she then said, taking a step closer to him as if to reach out for him, but Anders shied away and stood up from the couch almost on instinct. 

“You weren’t yesterday” he pointed out and met her eyes defiantly. “The one night I really needed you, and you couldn’t even bother to pick up the phone, Bella...” 

“Oh come on!” she exclaimed and Anders felt his heart drop when her look of concern and guilt flashed into anger. She’d never turned that look on him before, he’d seen her look at others that way, but never him. “Is this what I get now, Anders? After everything I do for you, every night I come over here to hold you and comfort you, which I gladly do, by the way. After every time I answer your rambling texts in the middle of the night I can’t even get one day off, ONE, without you going all angry and disappointed at me?” Anders didn’t know what to say, only felt his stomach clench hard with every word she said. This was her defense, what he’d wanted her to bring to this discussion, but he had imagined her to apologize, not be angrier with him than he’d been with her… Not like this. “Face it Anders, you ALWAYS need me. You can’t just expect me to always be able to drop every fucking thing I’m doing and come to your rescue. Ok? I’m not your mom, I am not your girlfriend and the way you’re holding me responsible for your wellbeing I’m not even sure you’d call me your friend! What am I to you, really? Your therapist?” 

She was flailing her hands as she spoke, seeming to say so many things she’d kept pent up for Anders had no idea how long. He just stood there, anxiety washing over him like waves on a beach and every word cut into him like knives. She hated him too, didn’t she. Just like everyone else… All this time she’d been waiting for the right moment to leave him and this was it. This was the last time he’d ever see her, he was sure. She’d storm out of his apartment and never come back. How long had she felt this way? For days? Weeks? Months..? His heart hammered hard inside his ribcage as he realized she couldn’t be blamed for this. This was his fault. He’d driven her to this, because this was what he always did. He was an expert at driving people away.

“Anders, I was busy last night and my phone died” she now said and her voice was shaking with anger, he suspected, when she spoke. She looked right at him, her deep, dark eyes glossy with frustration. “I was enjoying myself, in a way I haven’t done in years, and then you go and do this? I can’t believe you couldn’t let me have even this one, small thing without accusing me of neglecting you!” She seemed to be running out of steam, probably because Anders wasn’t joining in on her current monologue to fuel her fire. She gave a deep sigh and crossed her arms defensively over her chest again. “After everything I’ve done-” 

“If that’s how you feel, why don’t you just leave?” Anders replied, interrupting her in the middle of her sentence and she looked utterly bewildered for a moment, before her arms dropped to her sides and that same look of regret and guilt washed over her face. 

“Anders, it’s not… I’m just-” 

“No” Anders interrupted and held a hand up, taking a deep breath before continuing. “It’s fine. You should just go, please.”

“Anders” 

But Anders had already turned away from her. He half expected her to stay, to come up from behind and hug him tight. He wanted to tell her he was sorry, to prove to her he wasn’t this angry, needy person that she thought he was. But he knew she was right. He wanted her to prove to him too, that she didn’t actually hate him… but she didn’t stay. She didn’t comfort him. After only a couple of minutes he could hear her step out of the room, soon after that he heard the front door open and close. He was alone again. Like he always was. And she hated him. Just like everyone else. 

Once again, he had no one else to blame but himself.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! 
> 
> term is starting for me quite soon, which might mean chapters will be written a little bit more slowly, but i will try and tackle both writing essays and fic, promise ;) i hope you're all well!

The clouds were hanging low and dark over the mountain in front of him and Anders pulled his dark coat tighter around his body to not let the cold wind in. The weather forecast had promised thunder storms and heavy rain, which didn’t quite sound like the perfect amusement park weather. Anders had not cancelled his plans with Hawke, however, because he hadn’t been sleeping well at all and really needed to see a friendly face, if anything, to convince himself he wasn’t completely alone in the world. Isabela hadn’t texted for two days, and neither had Anders. He was too afraid of texting her and never getting a reply back, because then it would be official that she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He shivered and shook his head slightly to try to get the thought of her out of his head. He really didn’t need to bring that with him when he was going to spend time with Hawke. 

Just as Anders was starting to believe tHawke had stood him up – he’d only really waited for ten minutes longer than their designated time but Anders’ mind was already in a frenzy about lost friendships – the man came walking up the road toward the great gates of Sundermount Amusement Park, where Anders was waiting. Hawke was carrying a large umbrella under his arm and a huge picnic basket in one hand, a big grin spreading across his face when their eyes met. 

“Anders!” he called, from too far away and Anders felt his cheeks flush as people looked his way. Thankfully, most people seemed to have decided against going to the amusement park today, because of the horrible weather forecasts. Anders would have called the forecast amazing, if only he could have spent the day indoors, with a cat in his lap and a cup of tea as the thunder rumbled outside. “We meet again my friend!” Hawke exclaimed as he came closer and Anders sighed, almost with relief, as Hawke let go of all the things he was carrying and enveloped Anders in a large, warm, tight hug. 

“Garrett” he mumbled into Hawke’s neck and allowed himself to hug him back, just a little while longer than what might have been deemed socially acceptable. 

“Hey” Hawke cooed gently and leaned back slightly to get a look at Anders’ face. Maker, they were so close Anders could have easily kissed him. As it was, he just stood there in slight surprise and wonder. Hawke was, of course, even prettier up close. “You alright?” 

“Yeah” Anders lied and nodded to really be convincing. “Lets get inside” 

“I doubt it will be warmer” Hawke grinned and let Anders go, only to offer him his arm to hold on to. “But at least it will be more fun” 

“True” Anders smiled and hooked his arm gladly into Hawke’s before they started walking closer to the entrance. Hawke made no fuss as he payed for both their tickets, and Anders let him be the gentleman. He was determined to not see this as a proper date, at least not too enthusiastically. But if Hawke wanted to treat him and make this into at least somewhat of a date, Anders wouldn’t object. He watched as Hawke smiled toward someone he knew, waving at a kid whom Anders expected was one of Hawke’s students. He half expected Hawke to let him go as he did these things, so as to not give the wrong impression in front of people he knew, seeing as walking close like this was something couples did, but he didn’t. Instead, Anders was quite sure that Hawke was everything but embarrassed, especially since he was tightening his grip on Anders’ arm. Maybe he was worried Anders would be the one to pull away. Anders would never dream of it. 

“So what do you want to do first?” Hawke happily asked as they passed through the first area, which was just carousels for kids. The next part of the park was full of coffee shops and candy booths and Anders pointed towards one of the first. “Something warm to drink it is then” Hawke agreed without Anders having to say one word. 

With a cup of hot chocolate in his hand and his other resting against Hawke’s arm again, Anders felt more alive, more alert, and they started planning their day. Hawke had brought lunch and asked Anders to pray for sun in the afternoon, Anders wanted to go into the fun house and up the ferris wheel most of all, which was something Hawke agreed to gladly. They strolled down the narrow streets slowly, drinking their chocolate and watching people run around them, trying to go on as many rides as possible before the rain started, it seemed. Anders was starting to feel warm inside again, not only from the hot chocolate, but also from the feel of Hawke’s warm body against his own and the way he was gently pulled in against him by their linked arms. 

“I’m not sure if my observation is correct so please don’t read too much into this” Hawke said after they’d gotten in line for a ride called “Magic”: a slow, quite romantic ride where you sat in a small boat and traveled through tunnels with different magical motifs and legends, nothing connected to real, modern mages of course, only dragons and such, all accompanied by romantic music. Anders could feel Hawke’s hand slide momentarily against his own when he let Anders go to put the picnic basked down to the side of the ride, in a supervised area. “But to me, it seems like you’re still not over whatever happened the other day”

“Your observation is correct” Anders admitted but shot Hawke a smile as he spoke, showing the woman in the ticket booth their ride tickets as they passed her by. Most people didn’t go on this ride, probably because of their dislike of magic, but also because it was seen as something you should do with a loved one, which was a very distracting thought for Anders at the moment. “But I’d rather not talk about it, I think” 

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with our favorite cruise liner Captain, would it?” Hawke asked, gently prodding and his eyes were as gentle as could be, letting Anders know he really didn’t need to answer. 

“Partly” Anders nodded and accepted Hawke’s hand as a steady point when getting into the ride. The boat rocked slightly when Hawke got in behind him and even though Anders stomach had dropped slightly from the subject being brought up again, his chest now grew incredibly warm as Hawke’s knees gently nudged against his back before he settled in more comfortably. Before Hawke said anything more, his warm arms snuck up around Anders’ waist and pulled him gently backwards until Anders was leaning against his chest. 

“Try not to worry about her” he mumbled in Anders ear and if the man had known just how distracting it was for Anders to be this close to him, maybe Hawke would have reconsidered their position. As it was, Hawke seemed to go for comfort, rather than trying to make sure Anders was actually listening. “She loves you. Anders. She hasn’t told me what’s happened, but I know she regrets whatever it was… So please, I know you worry and I know you get really anxious, but try to remember all the things you two have shared, alright?” 

“Alright” Anders half sighed and felt shiver after shiver run down his body as Hawke’s warm breath against his neck sent goosebumps rippling across his skin. With Hawke this close, nothing, not even falling out with Isabela, felt big and threatening anymore. He closed his eyes for a moment, leaning his head back against Hawke’s shoulder as he relaxed into the warm embrace. He could never keep the promise he’d made himself; to let Hawke go. He was too deep in it now, there was no escape, and even in his fragile mental state where he doubted everything, it was hard to not see what Hawke was doing as romantic. Even for Anders’ questioning mind, Hawke’s hands around his waist and the warm nudges of his lips against his throat were more than just a friendly hug… Which was way beyond what Anders would ever let himself hope for. But when Hawke’s large hand gently nudged at Anders’, until their fingers were entwined, palms resting against each other, Anders suddenly realized that it didn’t really matter if his brain didn’t believe this could ever happen. What mattered was what did happen. And what was happening between them, there in the dark boat, slowly, hesitantly, was real. Anders shuddered and bit his lip ever so gently, turning his head to the side in an attempt to get a look at Hawke’s face, or maybe to give him the chance to lean in closer and… Anders realized his lips were almost pounding with anticipation from what might come if Hawke just looked back into his eyes, if he’d just take that chance and lean in to kiss him…

But the kiss didn’t come. Instead Hawke looked back at him, a melancholic look in his eyes before he leaned back again, arms still holding Anders tightly but his chest not so firmly pressed against Anders back. Anders tried not to sigh too audibly with disappointment and instead turned to look at the rest of the exhibition as if nothing had happened. The pounding in his lips didn’t stop though, not even when the both of them got off the ride and stepped back out into the rest of the park, into the now pouring rain.

“So” Hawke smiled as he folded his large umbrella out and offered Anders his arm again. Anders looked back up at him as he hooked their arms together, eyes tracing the curve of Hawke’s lips without any shame or reason to hide it. He wanted Hawke, and he was tired of pretending he didn’t. So he might as well be frank about it. Hawke definitely saw where Anders’ gaze went, because he paused and just looked at him for a moment that was just a tiny bit too long to be natural. Anders was pleased. This was a start. 

“So?” he teased when Hawke really seemed to have lost his track. 

“So” Hawke repeated with affect and grinned broadly. “Where to next?” 

Anders had a feeling that had not been what Hawke had intended to say in the first place, but he decided not to start asking questions. Instead, he pointed toward the haunted house, which was a tall building you could see even from this distance, reaching up above shops and rides. 

“You sure you’re brave enough?” Hawke teased and started walking that way, leading Anders gently by the arm. 

“Are you?” Anders retorted and shivered into his core at the sound of Hawke’s laugh. 

“Touche” 

The haunted house was built like a mansion of sorts: large, heavy front doors that opened up to a spacious hallway. If the mansion had been a real home, it would probably have been quite pretty, but as it was now, it was made to look old, worn and abandoned. The house itself told a story Anders had realized this much from visiting the amusement park before. The story was about a family who’d moved in, realized the place was plagued by a malevolent spirit and tried to move out again, only to be trapped in the house forever. To tell the story, the house had been filled with moving boxes, cleaning tools and furniture stacked on top of each other, to make it look as if the family had started packing up again. There were also blood marks on the floor, as if bodies had been dragged along hallways and when you walked through the house, you heard echoing screams and banging from inside the walls. The people who played the spirits were all dressed in faded fabrics, appearing gray when light struck them but when they hid in the dark, only certain parts of them were visible, where the fabrics had been laced with paint that glowed in the dark. It was all quite beautifully done, Anders thought, which was something he appreciated in a place like this. It was believable. 

“Scared yet, love?” Hawke mumbled in the dark behind him, as they made their way through the large, open living room. Anders shivered at the last word, spoken so casually it sounded like Hawke and him had been lovers for years. Anders had heard him say it before, but usually in a joking manner which had always made him stop in his tracks and sigh with longing. This time though, the word itself was spoken so gently it was almost a whisper. Anders turned to look at him, meeting his eyes and he could have sworn Hawke’s gaze flickered to the floor for a moment, almost as if he was embarrassed. Which couldn’t be true, because Garrett Hawke didn’t get embarrassed. 

“I could ask you the same thing” Anders retorted, feeling his stomach flutter with butterflies the way his day was progressing. Of course, there was always that gnawing fear that he was wrong, that he was fooling himself beyond belief. But for once in his life, he told himself he could afford to be naive, if only today. “There’s something behind you, by the way” 

Hawke whipped around, a little too quick to be able to hide the fact that he was slightly freaked out. Anders laughed at the look of blushing humiliation on the man’s face when he looked back at him, after realizing that of course there wasn’t anyone behind him. 

“Ha ha” Hawke said and shook his head in fake disappointment. “Very funny, Anders, truly. You are such a comedian” 

“I’ve learned from the best” Anders answered back, still laughing. 

“I’m flattered, thank you” Hawke grinned but Anders only shook his head. 

“I don’t mean you, silly” he clarified and met Hawke’s eyes teasingly. “I meant Varric” 

“Naturally” Hawke sighed, but there was a glimmer of a smile in his eyes. Anders contemplated reaching for his hand in the dark, but before he had the chance, he felt warm fingers nudge against his own and it was like his stomach lurched inside him at how good it felt when Hawke sought him out first. He gladly accepted Hawke’s warm fingers between his own and they proceeded up the marble staircase, which would take them further into the house. 

Apart from some flying books, a crying child in the middle of the master bedroom and some threatening words exchanged with a wraith, the haunted house wasn’t that frightening. Anders wasn’t disappointed though, because for at least half an hour, Hawke had gently enveloped Anders’ hand in his own, softly caressing his skin with his thumb. In fact, Anders couldn’t have been more pleased with their visit to the house. When they left, he made sure to keep his hand firmly gripping Hawke’s, to really show him he didn’t want to let go. To his disappointment, Hawke quickly released him and walked off ahead of Anders down the road. 

“Where are you off to in such a hurry?” Anders asked after him, bad at hiding the hurt in the tone of his voice. 

“Just a minute!” Hawke called back, waving a hand casually over one shoulder before he disappeared around the corner. Anders stopped, not sure he was supposed to follow. Instead, he walked up to one of the brightly painted benches to the side, sitting down for a while, even though the wood was still wet from the earlier rain. He hadn’t even noticed it had stopped. 

As he sat there, watching people pass him by, thoughts bubbled to the surface that he’d rather not have thought about on a day like this when he was supposed to enjoy himself. Isabela’s angry and sad face kept looking at him through the crowd and when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Fenris’ green eyes, hear his voice, feel his hands. Anders hardly ever regretted sleeping with anyone. Sleeping with Isabela had been an experience, something they joked about a lot these days but in the beginning it had been slightly awkward. But with Fenris… He wasn’t sure if this was regret for what they’d done together, or regret concerning what they hadn’t done and what Anders still felt like doing with the man… These thoughts confused him a great deal, seeing as he was head over heels in love with Hawke and was currently trying his damnedest to make that perfectly clear to the guy. He knew his interest for Fenris must be purely sexual, or so he suspected, seeing as he’d never actually been romantically interested in two people at once. If you didn’t count Hawke and Karl, of course, but somehow he’d never actually counted that… seeing as Karl was dead and all. It wasn’t the same. Or at least he thought it wasn’t. He had imagined what his life with Karl would have been like if he hadn’t died, but he’d never actually imagined meeting Hawke in that universe… If he had, then what would have happened?

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” Hawke suddenly said and Anders looked back up at him, dazed and for a moment confused as to where he was, before realizing Hawke was holding soft pink cotton candy on a stick in one hand, and some kind of soda in the other. “I just thought we might need refreshments after that horrible ordeal”

“Oh” Anders replied and gladly accepted the pink fluff while Hawke seated himself on the bench next to him. “Weren’t we going to eat lunch soon?” he then asked, before tearing a large chunk of the stuff and putting it in his mouth, trying not to get sticky sugar everywhere. 

“You mean you don’t like the starter?” Hawke teased and Anders heart skipped a beat when he felt Hawke’s hand return to his once more, gently holding his fingers, as if saying he’d like to stay right there, for now. 

“This is good” Anders assured, leaning slightly against Hawke when he spoke, goosebumps rushing over him when he could have sworn he heard Hawke gasp gently at this sudden closeness. He couldn’t believe he was being this obvious. They’d always been touchy with each other, but never this obvious, and never in public. Never when both of them seemed to be just as obvious with where they wanted this to end. If Hawke wasn’t just being kind that was, but Anders pushed those thoughts away for now. He deserved this. No more worries. Only this. 

“Good” Hawke mumbled into Anders’ hair after a while’s silence, so late in his reply that Anders had almost forgotten what he’d said to begin with. He smiled and closed his eyes slightly, feeling Hawke’s chest heave with every breath against his back. Leaning against Hawke was the most comfortable thing he’d done in a long time, including a lot of great sex and many nights in his own, very comfortable bed. 

“How are you and Fenris doing, by the way?” Hawke then suddenly asked, which brought Anders right out of his comfortable haze, like a bucket of ice had just been dropped down his back.

“What do you mean?” He asked and sat up straight again, distancing himself from the man he loved, from guilt that he hadn’t been honest. Not that Hawke and him were dating or anything, but he’d slept with one of Hawke’s best friends, and he’d made Fenris miserable, obviously, from doing so. In fact, Anders realized that he was probably feeling more guilty towards Fenris than he was towards Hawke, which wasn’t something that had occurred to him before. 

“I saw you at the party” Hawke clarified with a smile, but he was too apologetic for Anders not to fear he’d figured something out. But what could he possibly think about him and Fenris, from seeing them at the party? They’d only been talking about the kids and Fenris had read to them..? Had Hawke really been able to tell, from that small encounter, that him and Fenris would do what they did..? “You seemed to be getting along, I mean” 

“Oh” Anders mumbled and drew a breath of relief, eating some more cotton candy as a way of calming himself and buying time. “Yeah, I mean, we’ve been hanging out a little I guess...” 

“Yeah?” Hawke nodded, smiling now when Anders looked back at him. Hawke looked excited, as if he’d been hoping this would happen. That pang of guilt struck Anders hard in the stomach again and he decided against eating more cotton candy for now. 

“I’m not sure he likes me really” he then added, just to try and soften the blow for Hawke if he talked to Fenris later and heard he now hated Anders again. “I mean, we still don’t agree on a lot of things and he tends to get upset and storm off...” Anders voice faltered as he remembered the look on Fenris’ face before he left last time. Having sex with Anders must have seriously fucked him up somehow. 

“That’s Fenris for you” Hawke chuckled casually, not at all seeming to understand the gravity of Anders situation, which might be a good thing. “Don’t worry about it, or at least try not to worry too much. Fenris has a hard time trusting people’s good intentions, much like someone else I know”

“Was that a jab at me?” Anders tried to joke, shaking the uneasy feeling of guilt, or at least trying to, by reaching for the soda Hawke was holding and taking a sip. 

“Of course not” Hawke assured, grinning broadly. “Why would I ever do that”

Anders let this slide and ate some more cotton candy before they decided to walk further into the park. There were a lot of things to see and ride and before he knew it, Anders was forgetting his worries once more. Hawke’s firm hand in his own helped a lot as well. 

When their stomachs grumbled and Anders feet started hurting from all the walking, Hawke decided it was time for lunch, which Anders happily agreed to. They found a large tree with some tables underneath, which had been saved from most of the rain that had started pouring down again. Anders was relieved to get out of the cold and happily accepted the bottle of soda Hawke had brought for him to drink. The picnic basket was full of food, baguette, pasta with different toppings (all individually packed, nothing he expected Hawke had made on his own), dressing and paper plates with a strawberry pattern. 

“You really shouldn’t have gone through the trouble” Anders grinned as he helped himself to mozzarella cheese from a small jar he found at the bottom of the basket. 

“Arlene insisted” Hawke grinned and popped a cherry tomato into his mouth. “I asked her what I should do for our date and she orchestrated everything” 

“She did, did she?” Anders asked, rhetorically, heart fluttering, lighter than a feather. He couldn’t believe that Hawke was still seriously calling this a date. After all this time they were actually dating. He really could have used Isabela’s moral support in this. But he knew that the two of them would have been on the same page about this, for once, that this was completely clear to her as well, and not just something his mind had fabricated.

They ate for almost an hour, enjoying the company of each other more than the food. Anders laughed harder than he’d done in a long time, not necessarily because Hawke’s jokes were more funny than usual, but because everything felt so much calmer inside him than the day before. Here Hawke was, calling this a date and carrying a picnic basket for hours just to eat lunch with him, doing all this for him which should mean a whole lot, and it did. Anders had never felt this lighthearted around Hawke, and even his fight with Isabela had a hard time overshadowing his happiness. After finishing lunch, Hawke had gone off to get them something hot to drink again, since the food had been cold and the rain was still pouring down mercilessly. Anders stayed behind and tried his best not to doubt, not to think about the bad things while he was alone. He knew from experience being alone was not the best state to be in for him. 

“Speaking of Fenris, by the way” Hawke said when he sank back down on the bench in front of Anders. Anders looked up in surprise as he received his cup of tea. They hadn’t talked about Fenris since before lunch. He wasn’t sure why the subject was being brought up again. “You said you still don’t agree on things?” 

“Yes” Anders replied, feeling his stomach clench. He wished he could tell Hawke that maybe this subject wasn’t the best one for their date. Although, telling him that would mean he’d probably have to explain himself, and anything but the truth would sound like a bad reason not to talk about the man. And telling the truth would sound even worse… _Sorry Hawke, me and Fenris fucked the other night and well, I’d feel less awkward dating you if you stopped talking about him please._ Anders didn’t even want to think about the outcome of that confession. 

“What kind of things?”

Anders sighed slightly at this and drank some of his tea to buy himself some time. What kind of things indeed. He knew Hawke was aware of the views Fenris had towards mages, or at least what he’d thought of mages in the past. He knew Fenris’ reasons now, or at least some of them, but that didn’t mean he’d change his own stance when it came to people who were so openly negative toward mages like himself, or Hawke. 

“You know what kind of things, Hawke” he eventually answered.

“Garrett” 

“The fact is,” Anders ignored him as if the comment hadn’t interrupted him. “I think he understands where I come from and it feels like he might respect me, and my opinions. But that doesn’t mean I have to respect his...”

“His opinions, or his right to have them?” Hawke asked, gently. He was only asking for curiosity’s sake, not to point any fingers. 

“I don’t know” Anders admitted and sighed deeply. “I understand some of what he’s been through. He’s told me things about his life, about why he hates mages so much and I get that back where he comes from, mages were very different from here. I just don’t know if that means I feel comfortable around him, if he’ll continue saying he hates mages whenever alcohol is involved” 

“I know you haven’t been at my parties for a while” Hawke replied to this and his warm hand gently covered Anders’ as he spoke. “But lately he has hardly even been drinking, and he keeps from entering into discussions like that, he’s told me that himself. I think, whatever you’ve said to him or whatever you’ve done might have helped him deal with his own feelings towards people like us” 

“Really?” Anders asked and felt almost warm at the thought of Fenris changing the way he thought and acted, slowly but surely, because of something Anders had done. It meant Fenris might actually not hate him after all. Or, he probably did now, Anders reminded himself and tried not to look too disappointed as that realization hit him. There was a big difference in not hating someone, tolerating someone or even quite liking their company and then having sex with them. Fenris had not seemed like he took the sex part too well, with someone like Anders. As he sat there and drank his tea, listening to Hawke discussing the changes in Fenris further, Anders started feeling that same old guilt creep up into his chest again. Hawke had wanted him and Fenris to be friends, hugged him and laughed as he’d learned Anders were on speaking terms with the man. He’d been so happy his two friends had started talking, and now Anders had gone and probably fucked it up irreversibly. Not that he could have known Fenris would react the way he did, but what had he imagined would happen? They’d fuck and then go back to being almost friends? Anders knew it usually didn’t work out well when you fucked someone you intended to form a friendship with, seeing as the relationship either became too awkward afterward, or too familiar. 

Which led him, of course, onto the subject of why Fenris had wanted it to happen in the first place. When he closed his eyes he could still see that look of need in Fenris’ eyes, feel his own heart pounding harder in his chest at the thought of Fenris’ deep voice in his ears, the way Fenris had gripped his hair in desperation… Those things hadn’t happened because of alcohol, and they hadn’t happened randomly. Anders had fantasied about them happening when he’d been with the other Tevinter man, and Fenris had… must have thought about it too? So why had he run..? Or had it just been an act of desperation? Purely based on Fenris’ need to get off and nothing more? Even though Anders had thought of the man as an asshole many times, he somehow had a hard time believing Fenris would do something like this only to please himself. Because that look in his eyes right before he left Anders in that bathroom had been far from pleased. 

“That’s what I believe anyway” Hawke finished, still grinning when Anders managed to focus on him once more. 

“Sorry, what?” Anders half mumbled, seeming to have missed a big part of what Hawke had been saying while thinking so intently of Fenris. That wasn’t a dick move at all. 

“You were miles away there” Hawke laughed and placed a warm hand on Anders’ shoulder, meeting his eyes. “Never mind my rambling, you sure you’re alright? I can take you home if you’re tired” 

“I’m fine” Anders assured and let the warmth of Hawke’s palm wash over his body, wahs away the guilt and the worry and the confusion. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind”

“Then let me distract you” Hawke offered and gently let his fingers caress Anders’ cheek before he let him go and pointed toward one of the booths that sold lottery tickets. “Let me win you one of those giant stuffed cats” 

“I won’t say no to that” Anders agreed, smiling until Hawke had started off toward the booth ahead of him. He felt like he couldn’t quite keep up appearances and smile when Hawke’s back was turned. His legs felt heavy when he walked by himself and even though he should be extremely happy today, which part of him was, he kept feeling this was something he didn’t deserve… Not when he’d done what he did to his relationship with both Isabela and Fenris.

“Really, Anders” Hawke smiled as he turned to face him, a hand reaching out to gently grab a hold of Anders’ cold fingers. “If there’s anything you need to talk about...”

“I know, Garrett” Anders assured, feeling the barricade he’d put up, keeping his emotions in check, was slowly cracking, falling apart inside his chest. He wanted to scream and yell and possibly throw things, but at the same time he wanted to cry, be held, comforted. 

“Hey” Hawke mumbled and before Anders knew it, Hawke’s warm arms were surrounding him, pulling them close to each other, and all Anders could do was stand there as his own tears dampened Hawke’s shirt. “Hey” Hawke repeated gently and Anders shuddered as gentle kisses were placed against his hair and neck. “It’s alright, whatever happened” Hawke’s voice vibrated through Anders’ body and Anders gripped him as tightly as he dared, burying his nose in Hawke’s warm shoulder. He couldn’t close this door now, he’d have to ride it out. All he could do was stop himself from telling Hawke everything, which would be hard, considering he wanted to tell him what had happened more than anything. “It’ll work itself out” Hawke assured, warm palms gently caressing Anders’ back as he spoke. 

“How do you know?” Anders mumbled, trying not to sob uncontrollably, seeing as they were in a very public space and he really didn’t want to ruin Hawke’s lovely plans. 

“I’ll help you” Hawke smiled, leaning back gently to be able to look Anders in the eyes, wiping his tears away with his thumbs, hands placed against his cheeks. “So I’ll make sure that no matter what it is, even if you never tell me, will work out. You just have to trust me” 

“I thought you knew I have trust issues” Anders tried to joke, his chuckle coming out as a half terrified sob. 

“I know” Hawke grinned, and then placed the warmest, softest kiss on Anders’ forehead. “But I also know that you’re crazy about me, Anders”

“Yes, I am” Anders replied. He wasn’t sure why, but every other time Hawke had said something similar to him, even in the rare moments when Hawke had sounded more sincere and less amused, Anders had always answered with the truth, coated in so much sarcasm that it would have been impossible for Hawke to know he was actually being serious. Anders would, at least close to always, admit he loved Hawke, just like he had done at this very moment, but it would always be part of the joke, part of the fun. Never for real. To his own surprise, however, this time his own voice didn’t allow him to be sarcastic, and the words escaped him as nothing but a whisper as Hawke’s eyes met his own. 

“Anders” Hawke said, gently, as if not to scare him away. The smile was fading from his face, but he didn’t look sad, more curiously optimistic. Or at least Anders hoped… He didn’t want to rely on hope and dread his entire life, he suddenly realized with a skipped heartbeat. Either it was him and Hawke, or it wasn’t. No matter which, he didn’t want to wonder anymore. He wanted to be sure. 

“No” he replied, taking a gentle step out of Hawke’s inner circle, already missing his body, his head as raindrops started hitting the top of his head. “I don’t really understand what it is you’re doing right now” he then admitted and gave a feeble smile when Hawke looked thoroughly confused. “You have been toying with me, Hawke, and don’t say you haven’t because we both know it’s true. And really, I don’t mind, because I know you and I know you mean no harm” 

“Anders” Hawke tried to interrupt put Anders quickly put a hand up to stop him before he could start. 

“One moment” he sighed. “For years, we have been friends, closer than friends at times, and I have laughed at your jokes and you have taken care of me when I needed it most. I will be forever thankful for that. But, Hawke, you bring me to this place, picnic basket in hand, holding me like you… like you want to. And then you bring up Fenris over and over” Anders wasn’t even sure where he was going with this, which meant this was the scariest thing he’d ever done. Of course Hawke wouldn’t understand why bringing Fenris up would distress him, seeing as he didn’t know what Anders and Fenris had done the other day. But still, bringing another guy up when you’re on a date felt weird. Or maybe that was just Anders being completely unaware how you do this whole dating thing. “Look I, I understand that I’m fucked up in more ways than one, I know that I come with a baggage most people would duck and run for cover from, but you’ve seen me at my worst, seen me for who I am, and you’re still here… to me, that has to mean something”

“Of course it means something, Anders” Hawke replied when Anders took a small pause. Anders wasn’t sure if the comment helped or not. 

“Alright, because I’m still very confused as of what to means to you, exactly” Anders sighed and his entire body tensed involuntarily with the fright of what he was saying. “What I mean to you” 

“I thought I was being quite obvious” Hawke now grinned, taking one step closer to Anders, a step that almost made Anders want to run away from him, just from the determination in Hawke’s eyes. This was a lot more frightening than how he’d pictured confessing to Hawke. In all his fantasies, he’d never been this scared, a feeling he didn’t at all understand, seeing as Hawke was indeed very clear with his intentions right at this moment. 

“Not obvious enough, I’d say” Anders eventually replied, his voice weak and his breath catching as Hawke’s grin widened. 

“You’re saying you want me to let you know then? I mean, what you mean to me, Anders?” Hawke asked, his voice joking and his eyes glinting with amusement when he spoke.

“This is what I’m talking about, Hawke” Anders blurted out, sounding more distressed than he’d meant to and he immediately felt bad when Hawke looked taken aback. “I’ve been resisting you for years, did you know that? I’ve been trying my best not to read anything deeper into our relationship, tried to tell myself that your advances, your smiles, your very presence has been out of kindness and not love.” The word rolled off his tongue before he could stop it and he felt his cheeks burn when he saw Hawke’s eyes flicker to the ground, only for a split second, but the steely resolve the man had held in his eyes was gone for that second. “But you have kept going and some part of me is utterly grateful because I rely on hope to survive... But Hawke, I’ve been fighting this, fighting you, for years… and I can’t do it anymore” 

“What do you mean..?” Hawke asked, eyes meeting Anders’ again, a hint of fear in them this time. It took Anders a moment before he realized what Hawke was scared of. He was scared of the same thing Anders was, but reversed, of course. He was scared of rejection, and he probably had been for just as long as Anders had. 

“I’m saying that I need to know what this is” Anders clarified, a small smile on his lips, even though he probably looked more sad than happy, because he could feel his anxiety bubble just below the surface. “You grin and you joke and you take me by the arm, you whisk me away and make me laugh, you take the breath out of my lungs and you hold my heart in the palm of your hand and I let you...”

Hawke just stood there, looking both confused and worried, but at the same time that grin of his was slowly making its way back into his face and all Anders could do was keep going, because it was too late to stop now. He drew a deep breath, not sure if it was worse talking to Hawke when he looked this serious, or when he was cracking jokes. He was used to the latter, but maybe that would only mean he’d bail on his own words, like he’d always done, if he gave Hawke the chance to be less than serious. 

“Oh Anders” Hawke then said, the grin growing with every second. He’d regained his footing, Anders could tell, and with another step closer, Anders lost all sense of the world, except the space between him and Hawke, which was vibrating. “There’s no need to be so melodramatic, you know. It’s me you’re talking to… If you ever wanted to say anything to me, I’d say you’ve set the stage already. So, rip it like a band-aid” 

“I...” Anders started, completely taken aback with how easily Hawke could joke about this situation. He had wanted the man for years and really shouldn’t have expected any different response than lightheartedness, but to be asked for additional bluntness, when he had been more blunt the last couple of minutes than he’d been in years felt strange. But when Hawke grinned like that, almost like a challenge, Anders felt his resolve harden and his mind was made up almost for him. “You can’t tease me like this and expect me to resist forever”

There was a pause in which Hawke looked almost disbelieving. Maybe he hadn’t expected Anders to step up to the challenge, or maybe he hadn’t expected to get the ball back in his court this quickly. No matter the reason for his silence, Anders heart raged in his chest and every breath felt like knives in his lungs with every second that passed by without Hawke moving a muscle. Then, right when Anders felt that maybe he should actually pretend he’d only been joking again, Hawke tilted his head slightly to the side with a soft smile spreading all the way into his eyes.

“Who said I ever wanted you to resist me?” he then said, and Anders felt his entire body shudder with the severity of the situation at hand. He hardly had time to think about what Hawke had actually said, what it meant to the both of them, to their relationship, he hardly thought about anything at all as his body acted on its own, pulling him forward until his chest struck Hawke’s with a strong enough force it brought a surprised grunt out of the man. This was far from logical, it was probably going to end in a disaster, but Anders really couldn’t care less. He’d been dreaming about this moment for years. Before Hawke had a chance to recover from the sudden closeness of their bodies, Anders had thrown his arms, rather than wrapped them gently, around Hawke’s neck, fingers digging into his hair as his eyes closed. He found Hawke’s lips without looking, drawn to them in a way he hadn’t been drawn to any lips in his life. They were soft, warm to the touch and Anders thought he might die or faint or at least collapse on the ground as Hawke’s lips responded to his kiss, parting for him, drawing a muffled sigh out of Hawke’s lungs. Before Anders could collapse on the ground, however, strong arms closed around his body and held him in place. Anders couldn’t help himself as a soft moan escaped him, followed closely by another, and another until his cheeks were burning and his chest hurt from oxygen deprivation. Hawke’s strong arms held him close for what seemed both like a blissful eternity and too short a time before he gently pulled out of the kiss. 

“Finally” Hawke mumbled, lips kissed swollen and his eyes strangely glossy when they met Anders’. 

“Finally” Anders echoed and let himself relax against the strong hands still supporting his back. Suddenly the world around them came into focus again, the rain hitting his face, the people walking passed them, even the ones who’d stopped to look at what they were doing. Anders gave a weak chuckle as he threw a glance in each direction, suddenly embarrassed at his emotional outburst, especially the sounds it had drawn out of him. Hawke, however, seemed completely at ease with what had just happened, a steady hand reaching up to gently stroke Anders’ cheek, before he leaned in to rest his forehead against Anders’.   
“No more waiting, yeah” he mumbled, his warm breath tickling Anders chin, his lips. Anders couldn’t take being this close, so soon, and not take the chance to lean in once more. Hawke only smiled into the kiss this time, holding Anders just as before. Anders made sure to restrain himself slightly this time, which might have been one of the hardest things he’d ever done in his life. 

“No more waiting” Anders then whispered as well, lips against lips, smiling at the feel of Hawke’s beard tickling his chin. 

“Good” Hawke sighed and the smile in his voice was unmistakable. Anders opened his eyes to see it, that smile he’d always wanted to draw out of Hawke, the one that could light the whole world, the one that made Anders’ entire body tingle with excitement. With a jolt of happiness, he suddenly realized that that smile was just for him this time, no one else. That smile he’d dreamt about for years was his, and a small gasp escaped him. 

“I...” he started, wanting to say something that might convey what he was feeling, but there were no words to describe the happiness, the relief, the love he felt bubbling inside him all at once. If he wasn’t careful he was sure he might do magic on accident at any moment. Hawke only grinned and pulled Anders even closer to him, which Anders hadn’t thought possible. 

“I was wondering how long it would take me to drive you wild” he mumbled in Anders ear, and Anders’ legs immediately buckled beneath his own weight. “Hey, easy” Hawke chuckled, still so close to Anders’ ear that the heat from his breaths sent shivers down Anders’ entire body. “Let’s get out of here, yeah? I’ll take you home, we can talk?” 

“Talk, yeah” Anders repeated, so dazed he hardly knew if that was actually what Hawke meant for them to do. If he thought more closely about the prospect of doing something more than just talking he might actually pass out, so he fought hard not to go there at all. Hawke held him for just a moment longer, if just to keep him close or to help Anders steady himself Anders didn’t care. He got to be embraced by the love of his life. That was enough. 

“You alright to walk?” Hawke smiled when they finally parted, his warm hand sliding down Anders’ arm until it found his hand and enveloped it. Anders nodded, dizzy but mostly with happiness, and they started walking in silence toward the exit, the picnic basket forgotten on the ground behind them. Anders couldn’t stop smiling all the way through the amusement park, Hawke’s hand firmly grasping his, their bodies connecting once in a while, brushing against each other as casually as any couple they met. The rain had stopped, letting sunshine out of the clouds, forming a large, clear rainbow above the mountain. People were arriving at the park now, taking the chance when he sun was back out, and Hawke was greeting people left and right, still holding Anders hand for everyone to see. Anders kept looking at him, this man that was so social, so open, thinking it was so strange he’d ever be into someone like Anders. But then again, he’d thought the same about Karl. 

Suddenly his phone vibrated in his pocket and Anders pulled it out without thinking, even though he’d told himself there were to be no interruptions during this date. He didn’t really mind it now though, the date couldn’t really get any better, after all. Hawke gently squeezed his hand as they passed through the gates and started their decent of the mountainside. 

It was a text from Isabela.

I know I hurt you  
shit I’m so sorry  
I’ll be at your place   
until you come back  
please come home

Anders sighed and the sound was pathetic to him as his emotions betrayed him. He’d had the best kiss of his life, was holding Hawke’s hand for his own survival, and now Isabela was speaking to him again. He smiled when Hawke looked back at him with worry.

“It’s nothing” Anders assured and leaned in to gently rest his head against Hawke’s shoulder as they kept on walking. “I just need to stop by my apartment real quick, on the way to your place”

“We’re going to my place?” Hawke teased. 

“We are” Anders confirmed, grinning. “This date isn’t over yet, I hope” 

“Of course not” Hawke nodded and placed a kiss on Anders’ cheek. “You just wait”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! another chapter is done but a word of caution, it has not been BETAd this time :( it's because i'm too eager to publish (because the chap has been done for a while and my BETA hasn't had time), and i think there won't be any major problems but if you find something really weird then let me know! it will probably be updated shortly with the fixed version (i have read it through though, but i have a hard time spotting my own errors, naturally) 
> 
> still, hope you enjoy!

It was with reluctance and a great deal of willpower that Anders tore his lips away from Hawke’s by the clinic door. Hawke had suggested Anders stay and talk with Isabela, as Hawke himself went back to his house to prepare dinner for the two of them and Anders had agreed. Hawke’s lips were just too soft and his warm hands gently resting against the skin of Andes’ abdomen, underneath the fabric of his clothes, were intoxicating. He didn’t want to let go, even if talking to Isabela had seemed like a good idea ten minutes earlier. 

“You hurry to my place, alright?” Hawke grinned as he backed away from the door to give Anders some space. “Otherwise the food will go cold.” 

“Is that the only reason I should hurry?” Anders grinned back, his cheeks flushing still, even though most of his original nervousness had died down by now. 

“No,” Hawke chuckled and Anders didn’t miss the slight gasp in the man’s voice. “But you’ll have to come over to find out more.” 

“Sounds mysterious,” Anders sighed happily and leaned against the door frame as he watched Hawke leaving. “I promise I’ll hurry then!” he called out when Hawke was almost out of sight, which he was sure earned him a laugh. 

He then stood there for another moment, gathering himself together before unlocking the door to enter the clinic. It was dark and empty, of course, since he didn’t have anyone else hired but himself. He could feel his worries from earlier slowly coming back now, even though Isabela had already made it quite clear she wanted them to stop fighting. Anders had a hard time understanding what could have made her reach this decision, and he was scared maybe she was just playing with him somehow. Logically, he knew she was being sincere, but that didn’t stop him from worrying about what he might have to listen to once he walked through the door to his own apartment.

The apartment was warmly lit and welcoming as Anders stepped through the door. There was a lingering scent of garlic in the air and music playing in the living room and for a moment it felt like he was coming home to his spouse, after a long day at work. He grinned, suspecting Isabela had been cooking to keep herself busy as she waited for him. He hadn’t answered her text, so she had probably been more than a little worried he wouldn’t show up. 

“Anders?” she suddenly called from the kitchen and her face poked out of the door before he’d even removed his shoes. 

“Who else would be sneaking into my apartment when you’re already here?” he asked, amused at the surprised look on her face and the way her hair was even more curly than usual, probably a mixture of her not fixing it as thoroughly as she usually did, and standing in the warm kitchen, cooking. 

“I didn’t know if you’d show up,” she admitted, looking both guilty and relieved. 

“Seeing as you’re occupying my house, I don’t know how I could have stayed away.” Anders grinned and before he knew it, she’d suddenly thrown herself around his neck. 

“Don’t fucking scare me like that!” she mumbled into his shoulder, and he hugged her back hard, just to show her he was just as sorry as she was for what had happened. “I’m so so sorry, Anders.” 

“I know,” he mumbled and held her close for longer than she seemed to have planned, holding on even as she leaned back earlier than him. “I’m sorry too, and I get what you meant.” 

“I should never have said it the way I did...” she sighed when he eventually let her go. “I was just... I came here wanting to share everything with my best friend about the wonderful time I’d had and you didn’t even...” Her voice trailed off. If Anders knew her well enough, and he probably did, she was scared he might get upset again because of what she had planned to say. 

“I’d love to hear all about it now, if you still want to tell me?” Anders assured her, and she drew a sigh of relief. “I know I freaked out on you, I was just so scared of loosing you, when I’d resigned myself to never getting Hawke or anyone else… But I’ve realized that that is no excuse to lay it all on you and pressuring you into into being miserable because of me, Bella. I want you to be happy, and if this girl makes you happy then go for it!” 

“Are you sure you’re alright with it then..?” she asked, looking scared that she might get an answer she didn’t want to hear. 

“Yes,” Anders nodded and reached up to stroke her cheek. “But honestly, it doesn’t matter what I want and think. Sure, having your best friend approving of who you date might feel important, but the most important thing is what makes you happy.”

“But I don’t think I could be completely happy if you weren’t in my life...” Isabela sighed and Anders felt a pang of guilt rush through his body as he saw the tears forming in her eyes. “So what you think still matters to me, Anders.” 

“I feel the same way about you, you know,” Anders grinned, scratching his neck awkwardly as he tried to ignore how guilty and moved he felt at the same time. “So don’t worry, I think it’s great that you’ve met someone who makes you even happier than you were before.” 

“I’ll just have to trust you then,” she smiled and snuck her hand into his for a moment, tugging him toward the living room where a bottle of wine was waiting for them on the coffee table. “Sit down,” she insisted and almost pushed him down onto the couch, grinning as he did what she told him. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Alright.” Anders grinned back and made himself comfortable, watching as Pounce came strutting across the floor, stretched out mid step and jumped gracefully onto the couch. Anders held out a hand and let his friend gently sniff his fingers before the cat climbed into his lap to rest there in a tight cat bun. Anders just sat there for a moment, happily running his fingers through Pounce’s soft fur while he thought fondly about the wonderful thing that had just happened in his life. He still had a hard time believing it had actually happened, partly because they’d been interrupted so quickly and of course because he’d wanted it to happen for so long that now when it had happened… It was hard for him to really comprehend it. He didn’t even know how to tell Isabela. Not after the fight they’d had. Maybe it would be best to let her talk, at least to begin with, before he started screaming with happiness, even though that was all he wanted to do. 

“Ta-da!” Isabela said, triumphantly, as she reentered the living room, carrying a tray with two empty wine glasses and two bowls neatly placed in the middle. “I made garlic bread and dip,” she explained at Anders’ raised eyebrow. “I didn’t know when you’d be here, if you’d be here, so… I had to do something.” 

“An excellent way to pass time,” Anders nodded appreciatively and felt his stomach rumble at the sight of the cheese covered garlic bread. Even though he’d eaten a lot for lunch, which hadn’t been too long ago, he still felt like he could eat a house. He tried to remind himself that Hawke was preparing dinner for him, which only made him grin broadly as he picked one up from the bowl. “Really, I’m starving.” 

“I know you’re always peckish in the afternoons,” Isabela smiled and effortlessly opened the wine bottle, pouring them both a glass before sitting down next to him. “Have you had anything else to eat today?” she then asked, her brows slightly wrinkled. She knew him too well, knew he sometimes forgot to eat properly if he was left too long to his own devices, or if he wasn’t feeling well. 

“Both breakfast and lunch,” Anders assured, but when Isabela made a surprised face and seemed to want to ask why this was, he held a hand up to stop her. “You were going to tell me about your date,” he reminded, smiling softly even though the words ‘Hawke kissed me’ were dancing right at the tip of his tongue every time he opened his mouth. “That’s our most immediate order of business. After you tell me that you can ask all the questions you want about my day, deal?” 

“Good deal,” she agreed and had a sip of her wine as Anders had a bite of the bread. He could have died happy with that piece of bread in his mouth, but he did his best not to give into temptation. Instead, he leaned back against the couch and watched Isabela until she spoke again. “At first, I was so nervous you have no idea, like, I’ve never been so nervous in my entire life...” 

“I can’t imagine you being nervous at all,” Anders teased and had a sip of his wine. “Do continue.” he then added as she glared at him. 

“Anyway,” she sighed and got a dreamy look in her eye as she kept going. “She was so sweet, and fumbly and must have been even more nervous than me, which of course helped me with my self-esteem – don’t say a word,” she added as Anders grinned broadly. “We prepared food together and then sat there talking for hours. I didn’t know I had so much to say to someone else than you, and before I knew it she was asking about my life and what I do when I’m with you and saying she wanted to know what it was like...” 

“That’s why you went to the club?” Anders asked kindly, starting to understand why she has not been looking at her phone all evening and night. 

“Yeah,” she nodded, blush rising to her cheeks. “I can understand what you must have thought… That I decided not to answer your texts on purpose, that my date had been a bust and instead of coming home to you, when you needed me, I spent the night at the club...”

“It’s ok,” Anders assured her once again and returned the frail smile she gave him. “I get it, you don’t have to explain yourself or apologize anymore.” 

“Got it.” she grinned, relieved again. 

“Now, what I’d like to know is who she is,” Anders teased, drinking some more from his glass before watching her squirm. “I know I said I wouldn’t pry, but come on, Bella, you’re getting serious with this girl. If you should tell anyone who it is, it’s me, right?” 

“Of course I’d tell you first,” she half mumbled into her glass, averting her eyes. “It’s just… It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, I mean, I could tell you anytime really...” 

“As I said, I don’t want to pry,” Anders repeated, making sure to grin broadly as she dared to look back up at him. 

“You’re such a cheeky bastard, you know that, right?” Isabela groaned and downed the rest of her wine, refilling her glass slowly and pushing another garlic bread into her mouth before she finally continued. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you. But then I expect you to tell me about that hickey you’ve got on your neck afterward.” 

“What hickey..?” Anders asked, perplexed, for a moment trying to remember when Hawke had ever been kissing his neck that intently, before he suddenly remembered Fenris’ lips and teeth against his pulse. A shudder went through him, rippling goosebumps down his skin, his stomach dropping. A moment from earlier that day came floating back to him, that moment in the darkness of their boat ride when Anders had been sure a kiss would come, instead he had been left pounding with disappointment. As he thought back at it now, he could see Hawke’s eyes tracing the outline of his neck for a split second, a look of confusion and almost sadness in his eyes before he’d leaned away from Anders, as if the chance to kiss him had never occurred. Hawke must have seen it too. Even though mark had been much larger and violently purple right after he’d been with Fenris, Hawke must have realized how recent it was… 

“Oh darling,” Isabela exclaimed, putting her hands over her mouth in fake shock. “What have you been up to? And you didn’t even know, did you?” 

“Shut up,” Anders retorted, trying to sound sure of himself but his voice came out in close to a whisper. 

“I’m sorry,” she cooed, sounding more sincere now. “I thought you knew, I didn’t mean to tease.” 

“Oh you meant to,” Anders chuckled weakly and reached for the wine bottle to refill both their glasses. “But knew, I’d just forgotten momentarily. And I promise I’ll tell you, if you just tell me who your girlfriend is.” He felt nervous now, as he took a mouthful of wine and closed his eyes for a second. Would he have to bring Fenris into this as well..? He supposed he should, seeing as he’d really put himself in an awkward position and the only one who could possibly help him was the tipsy woman sitting next to him.

“Girlfriend,” Isabela repeated, a half terrified, half dreamy look in her eyes. “Alright, but your story better be good, because I’m about to pour my heart out here.” 

“Is it someone I know, then?” Anders chuckled, pushing his nervousness as far down into his chest as he could. He’d just have to tell her in whatever way felt right… 

“You already knew that,” she groaned and pulled a pillow up in front of her face. “Please don’t tease me, Anders.” 

“Who says I’ll tease you?” Anders grinned and tried to pull the pillow away from her, but her grip was too firm. Instead he laughed and drank some more wine, feeling the buzz mingling with his happiness.

“I know you,” she mumbled into the fabric, before she looked up over the edge of the cushion with a pained expression on her face. “Should I just rip it like a band-aid?” 

“You should,” Anders nodded, fake seriousness in his eyes. “For your own good.” 

“Ugh,” she grumbled and hid again, pulling her legs up to her chest. Anders smiled fondly and reached out to stroke her foot softly, hoping it would comfort her at least somewhat. 

“I know you’re scared it’ll be too real,” he then said and heard her sigh behind the pillow. “But the look you had on your face just now, when you told me about her, that look spoke volumes of how real this already is for you… Maybe if you tell me who it is, you’ll feel even more happy about it...” 

“You think so?” 

“I do,” he nodded, sincerely. “I know you care about this girl, and when I see her next time, no matter who it is, I want to know just how happy she makes you, and hug her for it.”

“I’s Merrill.”

Anders grinned, watching the pillow since he couldn’t make eye contact. He’d suspected, but not been sure. They knew a lot of great girls, but he’d always seen the way Isabela acted around Merrill, the way she fussed and helped, made jokes and called her nicknames. He was happy, because Merrill was sweet and kind, although quite eccentric, and somehow he was sure she was good for Isabela. 

“Aren’t you going to say something?” she mumbled into the fabric and Anders reached out to pet her head. 

“I’m happy for you,” he answered. “I really am. Merrill is great, you’re great, there’s no way this can’t be great.” 

“You sure?” she asked, peaking over the edge with almost glossy eyes. 

“I’m sure,” he nodded, leaning in to wrap an arm around her shoulders. “And I’ll make sure to not be weird about it.” 

“Weird?” she grinned and finally let the pillow fall away. “How do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Anders chuckled and put his glass back on the table before taking a garlic bread, which had sadly turned a little cold by now. “I promise I won’t ask her weird questions or make her uncomfortable with all my knowledge of your private life.” 

“You wouldn’t!” she scoffed in disbelief, obviously suspecting this might be things he would actually do to the poor girl. 

“I just told you I wouldn’t,” he replied, wiggling a brow teasingly before taking a bite off his bread. “Besides, do you really think I would be that horrible to her?” 

“Yes,” Isabela replied without a moment’s hesitation. “Yes, I do.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” 

“You’re welcome,” she quickly smiled and then tilted her head slightly to the side, a mischievous glimmer in her eye as he met her gaze. Anders knew what was coming next, even before she opened her mouth. “Now, how about that story you were going to tell me if I told you her name. I’m seriously starting to crave some dirty secrets here.” 

“I changed my mind,” Anders tried, halfheartedly, while grinning. “No stories from me tonight.” 

“Funny, I didn’t take you for one to go back on your word.” Isabela grinned, knowing it would push a number of Anders’ sensitive buttons. Anders watched her in silence for a while, still unsure how he was supposed to tell her everything that had happened during the few days they hadn’t spoken. Telling her about Hawke felt like the most important thing, and he was sure that if he didn’t tell her that immediately he might actually explode from the anticipation. But he also needed to tell her about Fenris, in a way that didn’t make her judgmental, seeing as he’d slept with one of Hawke’s closest friends and all. “Well?” she finally prodded and Anders couldn’t buy more time, even if he wanted to. 

“Hawke asked me out,” he replied, watching her expression go from teasing to shock and disbelief, before she covered her mouth with her hands. “Yup,” Anders confirmed and grinned rather foolishly as he reached for his glass again. “He… He came here and I wasn’t feeling good, so he said he’d take me on a date, which was today.” 

“You just came home from that date… right now?” Isabela close to whispered, looking flabbergasted. 

“Yes.” Anders replied but had no chance to continue. 

“And you didn’t tell me?” Isabela carried on and looked both impressed and outraged. “Here we are, talking about unimportant shit when you could have told me about the date you just had with the love of your life! Oh Maker, Anders, how could you keep this from me?”

“I kept it from you for like half an hour,” Anders grinned and covered his face as the pillow came falling through the air. “Watch it, I’m still holding my wine!” 

“You deserve wine stains after this betrayal!” Isabela grumbled, but put the pillow back down. “Now, tell me!” 

“I was trying to, remember? Before you started yelling at me,” Anders chuckled but did as he was told. “He took me to the amusement park, or, we met there. He brought a picnic basket and we did what you normally do at the amusement park.” 

“Fuck in the bathrooms?” Isabela grinned and he realized she was hugging the pillow, like an eager child listening to their favorite bedtime story. 

“No,” Anders laughed. “We did what normal people do, like go on rides, eat cotton candy, that kind of thing.” 

“Ew, that’s just as romantic as I would have imagined a date with Hawke being,” she grunted, making a fake disgusted face. 

“It was… amazing,” Anders sighed and leaned his head back against the pillows behind him. “I don’t even know what to do with myself, Bella.”

“Wow,” she half giggled and poured herself some more wine. “I knew you were into the guy but I didn’t know he’d fuck you over completely.” 

“I don’t mind,” Anders grinned and held out his glass for her to refill. 

“Of course you don’t, I wouldn’t expect you to,” she smiled fondly and balanced a garlic bread on his glass as well, for good measure. “So, did you just do those kind of things then, no kissing? Groping? Grinding?” Anders gave her a judgmental look and she sighed. “What? I need to know these things, to tell your hypothetical kids when they ask me in the future.” 

“Please don’t tell my hypothetical kids,” Anders groaned. 

“I can’t promise anything,” she sighed dramatically. “Answer the question.” 

“You’re making this more anti climatic than I was hoping,” Anders admitted and felt his cheeks flushing. All he’d wanted was to tell her, see her grin and be happy for him. Right now he just felt silly about the whole thing. 

“I’m sorry, darling,” she cooed and reached out to take his hand. “I’ve just been looking forward to this my entire life.”

“You mean me and Hawke going on a date?” 

“No,” she grinned. “Me getting to see you blush about it afterward as I question you for details.”

“Yes,” Anders almost interrupted her, feeling silly enough about this whole thing to drag it out even further. “No grinding or groping, but he kissed me… I mean, we kissed...” 

“Thank the Maker!” she exclaimed, almost jumping out of her seat and did a victory dance before sinking back down again. “Oh Anders, I’m so happy you finally got to snog your man!” she then added and pulled him close, showering kisses all over his head. “It’s everything you deserve! Or, at least the beginning of everything you deserve.” 

“Ouch, ouch!” Anders laughed, his body twisted weirdly in her arms but his stomach filled with an abundance of butterflies from her words. 

“Sorry,” she chuckled and let him go, wiping a tear from her eye. “But really, why did you let him slip away with just a kiss, huh?” she then asked, still smiling broadly. “After all this time, waiting for him to see you, letting him run off doesn’t seem like something you’d do.”

“It’s your fault actually,” Anders teased. 

“Mine? What did I do?” 

“You texted me, remember?” Anders chuckled and gave her a superior look. “I couldn’t let you stay in my apartment all alone, could I?”

“Oh no.” she mumbled in regret.

“Don’t worry about it,” Anders hurried to assure and reached out for her hand. “I’m heading over to his place later. I wanted to talk to you, to make everything up to you, to tell you about all this. It didn’t feel right experiencing the best day of my life without telling you about it first...”

“Aw, darling Anders,” she smiled and gripped his hand firmly. “You’re such a hopeless romantic, and I’m grateful you wanted me to be a part of all this!”

“You should be.” Anders grinned but felt immediately worried when her smile slowly turned into a frown.

“Hang on,” she said, still looking at him with a furrowed brow. “You shared your first kiss today, then, you and Hawke?” 

“That… Yes.” Anders confirmed, reluctantly. He knew now where this was going. 

“And I’m supposing that hickey is at least a couple of days old, isn’t it?” 

“It is.” Anders nodded. 

“And even though I know what you usually do during lonely hours, I am also aware you usually don’t allow, well, hickeys and bruises where they can be seen,” she continued, tilting her head to try to catch his gaze when he looked away from her. “I know you don’t like showing of your sexual endeavors at work or in front of certain people, Hawke for example, because you don’t want people to know… Which is your choice and I respect that,” she then added with a small grin on her face. She wasn’t one for hiding her own signs of sexual encounters, but she knew him too well. “Last time I saw you with a bruise like that, you’d met a very nice Tevinter man, who’d made you feel very special, so, how did you get that hickey, Anders?” 

“It’s simple,” Anders chuckled nervously. “Someone sucked on my neck and that’s it.” 

“Really? I had no idea that’s how hickeys were created,” Isabela grinned but kept prodding. “You did promise you were going to tell me about that hickey so you better do it now, or I’ll do something really nasty to your food next time I cook for you.”

“You wouldn’t,” Anders growled and felt real need for a pillow to hide behind himself when she kept looking at him with intent to kill. “It’s just, not at all good… what happened.” he then admitted and avoided her eyes.

“How do you mean?” she asked, far from mockingly. She almost sounded worried, which wasn’t exactly what he had wanted. “Did something bad happen?” 

“Not like that,” he assured, but refused to meet her gaze still. “I was with someone.”

“Obviously.” she almost interrupted. 

“Obviously,” he echoed with a short nod. “I’d been thinking about it for a while, without really realizing it, and when it happened it was so good I couldn’t quite contain myself.”

“Eager?” she smiled, still trying to meet his eyes. 

“To say the least,” Anders admitted with a sigh, trying his damnedest not to imagine Fenris’ warm lips against his skin or his gentle moans in the cold bathroom. “But it was a bad thing to do, what we did, especially now… And I really don’t know what to do about it now.”

“Well, that’s why you have me, sweetie,” Isabela smiled and reached for his hand again. “No matter who it was with or what happened, I’m here to help you sort it out, alright? I won’t let anything come between you and Hawke, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“Thanks,” he sighed, slightly relieved. “I just feel so stupid for even doing it now...”

“Hey, don’t say that about yourself,” she reprimanded, but smiled kindly. “You did something you really felt like doing, and it should have made you feel good. If it didn’t then lets talk about it and it might not feel so bad anymore… It can’t be that bad.” 

“I sucked Fenris off in a bathroom.” Anders said, unceremoniously, and almost to challenge her last comment. She just looked at him, eyes widening in surprise and jaw dropping slightly. 

“Oh.” was all she could say at first.

“Yeah,” Anders replied with a sigh. 

“That was not… very good,” she agreed after a little while, biting her lip in thought. “And I suppose Hawke is still blissfully unaware that this happened?” 

“Mhm.” Anders confirmed wordlessly. 

“And he’s still going on about how happy he is that you and Fenris finally buried the hatchet?” she asked, gently, as if not to make matters worse for Anders. He appreciated the effort, but still felt his stomach dropping.

“We didn’t really… end things on a positive note, either,” he mumbled and when Isabela didn’t say anything, he continued. “I think Fenris sort of freaked out for some reason, he told me he was sorry and then he just ran off. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, and from how Hawke talks about it, Fenris hasn’t told him about it yet. But who knows when that happens?” 

“True,” Isabela sighed. “I mean, maybe he was embarrassed? Maybe he won’t tell anyone at all?” 

“But what if he tells Hawke?” Anders groaned. “What if they’re besties and he tells Hawke everything? Especially now when me and Hawke are dating? What if that makes it really weird and bad and...”

“Hey, hey,” Isabela cooed and shifted on the couch so that she could put an arm around his shoulders. “First of, who you fuck on your spare time is none of Hawke’s business, or at least it wasn’t a couple of days ago. Hell, you fucked me and Hawke wouldn’t hate you for that. He can’t blame you for sleeping with someone, even if it’s a friend of his, when he himself hasn’t made a move on you for years. If Fenris tells him about it then yeah, maybe it’ll be a bit weird, but as long as it was consensual between you two I can’t see any reason why it’d fuck up your relationship with Hawke. You two were made for each other, I’m sure of it. This won’t change that.”

“Wow,” Anders chuckled weakly, feeling slightly better, since Isabela’s words actually made sense to him, even through his rising anxiety. “I had no idea you shipped us this hard.” 

“Oh shut it,” she smiled and placed multiple kisses on his forehead. “I’m trying to be serious and supportive here, don’t mock me.” 

“Sorry.” 

“What I meant to say was,” she continued, grinning now but still sounding very kind and calm. “If Hawke loves you, like we all know he does, he won’t let you go just because you fucked his friend, not after all the years he’s suffered without you. I mean, you wouldn’t let Hawke go if you found out I slept with him, would you?” 

“Did you?” Anders asked, almost instantly, and Isabela laughed. 

“It was a hypothetical question,” she assured, but blinked at him mischievously. “I won’t tell you though, I like to keep some secrets to myself.”

“Bastard.”

“But if you’re worried Hawke will hear it from Fenris and get upset that you didn’t tell him, maybe you should work on telling him yourself?” 

“How do I do that?” Anders mumbled and shook his head. “We kissed for the first time only a while ago, we’re on our first date… I can’t tell him now.” 

“Maybe not,” Isabela agreed and looked thoughtful again. “But Fenris might tell him any day, so if you want to be the one to tell him...” 

“You really think Fenris might tell him?” Anders asked. 

“No,” Isabela smiled, patting his head when she spoke. “I don’t think Fenris is the type who kisses and tells people about it after.” 

“Probably not.” Anders agreed. 

“Did you?” Isabela then asked, and when Anders looked up at her, confused as to what she was referring, she grinned. “Kiss?” she added. “You and Fenris?”

“Maker, Bella,” Anders blushed and looked away again. “I just told you I regret the whole thing and this is what you do?” 

“What?” she laughed and tried to pull him back when he sat up straighter. “I’m sorry, I’m too curious for my own good, I know.” 

“I’m not telling you anything else,” Anders grumbled and got up from the couch, brushing crumbs off his clothes. “At least not today, because you’re horrid and I need to freshen up for the rest of my date.”

“Touchy,” Isabela grinned and leaned back in the couch, relaxing as she watched him fuss. “I’ll be looking forward to all the details when you get back, then. Both about the date and the stuff about Fenris...” 

“You’re horrid,” Anders grinned and gave her a slight wave before walking away from her, heading to his room to get changed. He hadn’t realized how long he’d been sitting there and to be honest he really didn’t want to wait anymore. The subject had also made him feel steadily more anxious, and he really didn’t need that, not today. 

“I’ll just stay here and take care of your poor cats then,” Isabela called after him. “Who knows when you’ll be back!” 

“No fucking in my bed!” Anders called back, pulling out clean clothes from his wardrobe as he realized his own were still damp from the rain. For a moment he had a hard time undressing, because the wine was making him dizzy when he bent over. He sat down on the bed, holding a clean T-shirt up to see which one it was, and grinned when he realized it was a home made one, with big print on the font, yelling “FUCK THE CHANTRY”. 

“This will do!” he mumbled to himself and gave his mind another moment to stop spinning before he stood up to change into the dry, black, jeans and the T-shirt, pulling a wine red cardigan on for good measure. He was admiring his own reflection in the bedroom mirror when Isabela came to lean against the frame of the door. 

“Handsome,” she smiled, until he turned to her and parted the cardigan to show her the T-shirt. “A masterpiece,” she added and nodded with a widening grin. “But then again you always look amazing.” 

“I know,” he agreed and pulled a brush through his hair before pulling it into a bun. “Gotta have clothes to match my outer beauty.” 

“Of course,” she nodded and walked over to wrap her arms around his waist from behind. “You sure you’re alright, though?” she then mumbled into his neck. “With us? The whole fight..? And this thing with Fenris? I know it’s troubling you more than you’re letting on.” 

“It’s fine,” he smiled and patted her hands gently where they were resting over his stomach. “You and me are better than fine and this Fenris thing is just…. Ugh, it’ll have to be fine.” 

“Alright,” she sighed and placed a kiss on his ear. “But you tell me if it doesn’t feel fine, yeah?” 

“Promise,” he nodded. She seemed satisfied with this answer and let him go to give him free range when getting ready. He felt slightly bad for lying to her, but he just couldn’t promise he’d tell her everything he felt about this whole mess. He couldn’t tell her how confused he was about what he felt towards Fenris, the way his heart leaped slightly when hearing his voice or how Fenris’ kisses had made him weak at the knees. He knew he loved Hawke, loved him in such a way he might actually die if they couldn’t be together, but he knew he’d be lying to himself if he completely denied that what he felt for Fenris was something more than just sexual attraction. But he’d rather lie to himself than be confused, so he decided that even thought he enjoyed the time he spent with Fenris, both talking and… while doing other things, he wouldn’t try to understand what those feelings might mean. Which meant he couldn’t tell Isabela about it. Because if he told her, she would never let it go until he’d figured everything out, no matter where that would lead him. 

She waved him off from the window when he left, calling down to him about how she wished him a lovely evening with lots of fun. He knew what she meant with fun of course, and felt his cheeks flush at the thought. Fenris wasn’t allowed in his mind tonight, but his thoughts still went to that moment in bed when both Hawke and Fenris had been on his mind. Isabela had no idea. He hoped she’d never find out.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Back so soon with another chapter??" you might be thinking? Well, I thought you deserved some more reading now that autumn is approaching! (also I couldn't wait to write and publish this one ;) ) so here you go!
> 
> Once again the chapter has not been BETAd by outside eyes, so I'm sorry if you find any weird mistakes! let me know if you want me to change something! 
> 
> hugs! /Ro

Nothing could be as distracting from the thought of Fenris as Hawke’s lips against his own, Anders realized as he sighed blissfully, back resting against the wall of Hawke’s hallway. He’d not expected them to be kissing this quickly, mostly thought Hawke would grin and behave like he usually did when Anders came over for dinner. Instead, he had been met by a mouth to eager for kissing to have time for more than one fleeting grin before Anders found his own back hitting the wall, Hawke’s strong arms pinning him there as they kissed. Anders couldn’t have felt more alive in that moment, his body pounding with excitement and his head spinning with happiness. 

“I missed you,” Hawke mumbled between kisses, his hands resting gently against Anders’ hips, making his knees weak. “You took too long.”

“I’m sorry,” Anders whispered breathlessly and was met by Hawke’s usual grin when he opened his eyes. “I thought you might have needed some time to cool off.” 

“How considerate of you,” Hawke grinned and reached up to stroke his rough thumb over Anders’ lips. “Maker,” he then said and the look he gave Anders was filled with awe and almost glossy. “Here you are...”

“Here I am,” Anders nodded and felt his own emotions rush through his body like a storm. “And I don’t intend on going anywhere anytime soon.” 

“Good,” Hawke nodded and pulled away slowly, leaving Anders with a dull aching in his stomach, a feeling he wad used to from all the years of watching Hawke from a distance. “Because I have prepared food, and a present.” 

“A present?” Anders asked, heart fluttering as Hawke’s hand gently grabbed his own and they both moved into the rest of the house. “I’ve been given enough today,” he close to mumbled and took a deep breath, daring to lean in against Hawke’s shoulder as they walked, drawing comfort from the man’s strong body and his willingness to have Anders close like this. “You didn’t have to...”

“But I wanted to!” Hawke grinned and gestured for Anders to sit down by the fireplace in the living room, where a cracking fire was already heating the otherwise chilly room and candles were lit on the table. “Wait here and I’ll bring you something to drink, alright?” 

“Sure,” Anders agreed, missing Hawke immediately as they parted. To his surprise, Hawke must have felt the same, because one moment after he’d left, he came back just to place a soft kiss on Anders’ lips, grin, and then leave again. Anders wanted to call out after him, tell him what a dork he was, but he couldn’t, because that kiss had been exactly what he’d wanted and there was no point denying that. 

He sat there for a moment, watching the flames in the grate as they warmed his face. He tried to tell himself over and over that this wasn’t some dream he’d wake up from, even though he admitted to himself that maybe his life would have been slightly less complicated if this was actually a dream. He smiled at the thought of a dinner prepared by Hawke, not for a friend but for Anders as a part of their date. It was hard to believe how lucky he suddenly was. 

“Here we are,” Hawke declared as he came back into the room, holding two glasses and a bottle of some kind of champagne. Anders turned to look at him, unable to stop smiling. “Don’t say I didn’t have to bring out the good stuff,” Hawke grinned, holding up the opened bottle. “If this isn’t a day to celebrate, what is?” 

“I’m prepared to agree with you on that,” Anders smiled and gladly accepted the sparkling drink he was given but unable to tear his eyes from the gorgeous man he’d just had the privilege of kissing again. “I was just about to tell you something,” he then sighed and leaned back slightly on the couch. “But Maker, you’re distracting...” 

“Why?” Hawke chuckled and waled over to a cupboard as he spoke, fetching something from within. 

“I don’t know,” Anders admitted and bit his lip at the sight of Hawke bending over. That man was aware of the perks of his body, Anders knew this from before. It was like Hawke was always thinking of the fact that people were watching him and how he presented himself. Right now, of course he wanted to bend over like that in front of Anders. He was sure Hawke didn’t do it in the same way at work, because this must be deliberate. “You’re too handsome I suppose.” he then shrugged and Hawke gave a warm laugh before he stood back up and came over to the couch again. 

“I’ll make up for that with kindness, then,” he smiled and held out a quite large, stuffed, ginger cat toward Anders. “I went back and won it for you!” he beamed, and Anders laughed, reaching for the cat eagerly. He’d completely forgotten about the lottery booth. Kissing had seemed more important to him at the time. He looked up at Hawke, who smiled broadly down at him, and Anders felt a rush of happiness he couldn’t control bubble through his veins. “Happy first date, love.”

Anders felt the words of ‘thank you’ cling to his throat as he was called that word, the one he’d dreaded to hear from Hawke’s mouth because he’d thought it would never mean what he longed for it to mean. Now when Hawke’s words were sincere, followed by that smile and that misty look he seemed to get when Anders looked back at him sometimes, Anders couldn’t even speak. He couldn’t believe his luck, that this was actually, finally happening to him, and to judge by Hawke’s happy sigh as he sank down onto the couch, neither could he. 

“So what do you have planned for the evening?” Anders eventually managed to ask when the gift of speech was returned to him. 

“Not much,” Hawke admitted and scratched his neck in slight embarrassment. “We eat, and talk, mostly...”

“Sounds good enough to me,” Anders smiled and dared to reach out for Hawke’s hand, entwining their fingers as Hawke’s golden eyes watched, almost in awe. “If I get to repay you for the trouble, later?” 

Hawke looked up at him when he said this, eyes widening slightly in comprehension and Anders grinned. It felt like that look he was given proved his theory, that Hawke was as eager as him to be closer than this, but that he too had been worried they might be moving things along too quickly. Hawke’s surprise quickly turned into a satisfied grin, however, and he gently brought Anders’ hand to his lips to press soft kisses against his knuckles. 

“You can repay me in any way you see fit,” he then mumbled, his warm breath and tickling beard forcing Anders to bite down on his lip to not to do terribly embarrassing things. “Just give me fair warning first, will you?” 

“I promise.” Anders nodded and gave a happy sigh, quite involuntarily, when Hawke leaned in to kiss his lips slowly. Before he had a chance to savor the kiss, however, Hawke had pulled away and gotten up from the couch, grabbing the bottle again with the usual grin growing in his face again. 

“Come with me to the kitchen.” he then beckoned and slowly backed out of the room, watching as Anders got up to follow him. 

Anders felt light headed and somewhat nervous now. He’d had quite enough to drink as it was when talking to Isabela, drinking more now might not be the best idea. At the same time he was unsure what to say really, even though he’d been with Hawke for many years as a friend, it all felt different now, somehow, to be invited to the man’s home when there was something more between then than what had been been before. He grinned and told himself he was just being silly, that he should try to be his normal self as much as possible, seeing as everything would just be like it always was between them. They’d joke and laugh, have a drink, stand at the kitchen island and eat while Hawke’s mabari begged for scraps…

“Good sir,” Hawke grinned as Anders stepped through the door to the kitchen, and Anders felt his cheeks flush. The kitchen was lit by candles and the kitchen island was covered with a white table cloth, already prepared with glasses, plates and a vase filled with roses to the side. “Please have a seat.” Hawke continued as Anders took a few steps into the room, and he obliged, sitting down on the chair Hawke pulled out for him. 

“Arlene planed all this too, did she?” Anders asked, his voice fluttering slightly, giving away his nervousness at the situation. He hadn’t actually been romantic with anyone since Karl, which meant he was very unused to this whole romantic dinner thing. 

“Nope,” Hawke smiled, filling Anders glass with more champagne, gibing him a long, thoughtful look before grinning slightly. “No, this was all me… but if you think it’s weird or...”

“Stop it,” Anders said softly and made sure Hawke met his eyes as he smiled. “I might not be good at dating, but from where I’m sitting you’re doing a fine job of making me feel like I’m not just some friend you’re having over for dinner… And that’s the thing you were going for, right?” 

“Something like that, yeah,” Hawke laughed and turned for a pot on the stove, plating what looked like pasta into two bowls for them before he turned back to Anders and continued. “The last thing I want is for this to be weird.” 

“Even if it was, I’d rather it be weird than not happening at all,” Anders admitted and enjoyed watching the relief wash over Hawke’s face at his words. “It’s all very romantic though,” he then added with a grin and looked down at the plate now placed on the table in front of him. “The picnic, the cat, the drink, the candles. Who knew you had this much stamina for romanticism, Garrett.” 

“I am a man of many talents, love,” Hawke chuckled and seated himself on the opposite side of the island, reaching to cover Anders’ hand with his own on top of the table. “Some I only show to very special people.” 

Anders smiled and felt his heart flutter, something he was used to feeling around Hawke but not this often, and never this intense. He looked back at Hawke, until the man looked away to stir his pasta. Anders kept watching him for a moment, eyes following the curve of Hawke’s neck, the way the muscles of his wide shoulders moved beneath the fabric of his shirt with every movement of his arms, the way he scratched his beard when he sensed he was being watched. 

Once more Karl came to mind. What he would have thought of Hawke if they’d ever met, what Anders would have felt for Hawke had Karl still been alive. It wasn’t as invasive a thought this time, only a fleeting one that made him sit back in his chair and bite his lip. He was sure Karl would have approved of Hawke, at least as it was now with him dead and Anders alone. That thought made him feel more at ease with the romantic candles and butterflies in his stomach, because clearly it was possible to love more than one person at the same time. He hadn’t stopped loving Karl, and he probably never would, but that wouldn’t stop him from loving Hawke, he was sure of now. 

Hawke, with all his flaws and jokes, unable to stay serious for more than ten minutes, the man who could brighten a room with a single smile and could talk his way out of a fist fight… that was the Hawke he was in love with. The man he would agree to spend the rest of his life with if asked, without a moment’s hesitation. The man who was now eating pasta with a big grin on his face, talking eagerly about work almost as if to make this dinner less romantic and more comfortable for them both. Anders listened and ate, laughing at Hawke’s jokes like he always did, drinking more water than alcohol now, if only to remember every moment, every word, knowing he’d want to treasure this evening for a long time (as well as needing to tell Isabela every detail, of course). 

“So let me get this straight,” Anders mumbled as he wiped his mouth, Hawke preparing dessert by the counter, all plates cleared from the table. “You’ve been into me for years, but it wasn’t until Arlene suggested you ask me out that you finally dared to?” 

“When you put it like that I sound like an awful person,” Hawke half groaned and placed a large apple pie on the table, along with a smaller bowl of ice cream for good measure next to it. “I just… I tried to obvious with you, and sometimes it seemed to me like you wanted what I wanted,”

“Which I obviously do.” Anders butted in, laughing as Hawke tried to slap his nose with the ice cream spoon. 

“Yes,” he then nodded and sat back down on his chair. “But I never knew if you were ready for a commitment...” 

“Because of Karl?” Anders asked, softly, and the look of slight worry he got from Hawke answered his question without words. “I get why that might have made you feel awkward...”

“Not really awkward,” Hawke shrugged but he was avoiding Anders’ gaze now on the pretense of scooping hot pie onto Anders’ plate. “I just didn’t want you to have to feel bad about wanting to be with someone else, if that makes sense. You used to be married, you’re still married in away… I didn’t want you to feel like I didn’t respect that.” 

“You’re too respectful if you ask me,” Anders chuckled softly and tried not to think about his vows for a moment, as Karl’s smiling face drifted before his eyes for a moment. “If it had been up to me I would have had you within a year.” 

“Had me?” Hawke repeated, snorting into his red wine with surprise. “You mean you would have boned me?” 

“Yes,” Anders grinned, happy Hawke was meeting his eyes again. “Is that so hard for you to believe?” 

“No,” Hawke laughed, plating pie for himself. “I just wonder what would have happened if we had done that, so early on I mean.” 

Anders nodded but left the subject there. He knew what Hawke was going with his line of thought, and he was probably right. When Anders had just arrived, he’d been lonely, seeking comfort where he could find it. He’d known from early on that he was falling for Hawke, but if they’d actually acted on their impulses back then, maybe Anders would have ended up pushing Hawke away instead of pulling him closer. Even now, when he’d lived alone for six years, Anders was still pushing perfectly amazing men away by meeting them in bathrooms and never calling them after. Maybe waiting for this long meant Hawke and him had a chance… ‘I never knew if you were ready for a commitment’ Hawke had said, casually as if he just knew, by Anders being there, that this was it, this was the commitment they were both ready for. Anders watched him for a moment longer, unsure what to say while it slowly hit him just how ready he was to be with this man, to finally have someone other than cats to come home to at night… to not be alone anymore. 

“I’m not sure how you feel about all this,” Hawke then suddenly said, before Anders had time to say anything or even think of something new to discuss. “I mean, about me, about… this,” he gestured to the lit candles all around them as he spoke. “We know each other better than most, Maker, I know quite a few more secrets about you than I think you’ve even told Isabela, but I don’t know if you think this is too much, which I would understand, or if it’s not enough… I just want to you know that I...” his voice seemed to falter and he ended up just looking into Anders’ eyes as if he’d gotten stuck in them, lips relaxed and slightly parted, as if he’d seen something so beautiful he’d forgotten how to breathe. 

“For years...” Anders started saying, as the silence between them stretched for a couple of seconds, unbearable for him to stand. “For years, I’ve lied awake every night, aching for you,” he managed, his voice trembling slightly as Hawke seemed to snap out of the haze he had drowned in. “Even now, after this day, after everything you’ve done and said, I’m still terrified I’ll wake up.” Hawke blinked slowly, his eyes glossy in the flickering candle light and Anders had to fight not to become equally mesmerized as Hawke had seemed only moments ago. “That’s how I feel about… this.” 

“Aching?” Hawke echoed, his voice weak and his eyes locked to Anders’.

“Yes,” Anders nodded, feeling an embarrassed grin spreading across his own face. “Interpret that in whatever way you wish.”

“Oh I will,” Hawke grinned, still glossy eyed but some of his usual air of brightness returning to his face. They sat for a moment, smiling at each other in the flickering light of the candles. Anders was torn between looking away in embarrassment and keeping his gaze locked to Hawke’s in defiance. To his surprise, Hawke was the one who eventually looked away. His eyes flickered and returned to Anders’ for a second longer before he finally looked down at his apple pie, giving a somewhat nervous sounding chuckle before he spoke again. “Maybe we should finish this, while it’s warm...”

“Of course,” Anders chuckled and felt warmth, a different kind than that from wine and candles, spread though his chest and stomach. Hawke seemed to be just as nervous as he was, which was always a good sign. Anders was not good at this, but he realized that in all the time he’d known Hawke, the man hadn’t dated anyone. At least not seriously. Which meant maybe Hawke felt just as inexperienced as Anders did, if not more so. “It looks delicious.” Anders added, feeling Hawke’s eyes return to look at him again, even as Anders himself didn’t look up to meet them. 

“It’s a recipe my father used to make for special occasions,” Hawke explained, sounding almost relieved at the chance to talk about something less intimate then the subject they’d just stumbled over. “He calls it ‘The blessed apple’, for some reason.”

Anders had never imagined Hawke being bothered or embarrassed with the subject of intimacy, but then again he’d never really thought about how Hawke handled his own desires and dreams in that aria. He’d fantasized about the man, dreamed about what it would be like to finally spend a night in Hawke’s bed, but never really thought about Hawke’s reaction upon learning of Anders’ desire for him. Of course even someone as open and witty as Hawke might get weak in the knees when thinking about sex with someone he’d just started dating. Learning this about Hawke made Anders feel even more at ease than before, because it meant he wasn’t the only one who both desired things to go further than kissing, and who felt slightly terrified at the prospect of it happening so soon. 

“He doesn’t make it anymore then?” Anders asked, taking his first bite of the now slightly cool pie and felt his taste buds explode with the tartness of the apples, followed by soft cinnamon and nutmeg. He had a vague memory of eating a similar pie before, but couldn’t quite remember when, which could mean it had been even before he was sent to school by his parents. 

“Not much, no,” Hawke smiled and sighed blissfully at his own first bite. “I think he wants us kids to start making it for him instead, maybe he wants us to replay the favor.” 

“Make it for his birthday,” Anders suggested, grinning at Hawke as their eyes met again, if only for a moment. A moment which rushed through Anders’ body like fire. “The way I suspect he used to make it for yours.”

“Only if you help me,” Hawke replied. Anders noticed now that Hawke hadn’t looked away from him this time, even though Anders himself had looked back down at the pie. His cheeks burned under Hawke’s gaze, even if he pretended he didn’t notice he was being watched. “Now that you’re… you know...”

“No,” Anders replied after chewing another piece of pie. It was hard for him to eat now, no matter how good the pie was. He was too distracted by thoughts of what they were actually doing here; eating family recipes together, speaking of bedding each other in code, stealing glimpses off each other when the other wasn’t looking. Everything felt like a synonym for something else, something the both of them seemed desperate to talk about but couldn’t quite put into words. “Tell me, now that I’m what?” 

“Well,” Hawke chuckled. “It’s up to you of course, but judging by what you said, about aching for me, for years… I would assume you find this dinner to be more than just a one time thing?” 

“Yes.” Anders nodded, putting his fork down and meeting Hawke’s eyes now. 

“Which means next time my father is in need of this pie, you’ll be a part of the family, if you’d like?” Hawke continued, his gaze steady now and his smile genuine, if a little bit uncertain. “I for one would like to have you around more, if you know what I mean?” 

“So you’re asking me to be a part of your family then?” Anders smiled, that warm feeling still bubbling just below the surface. “To help you bake for your father’s birthday, of course.” 

“Yes, that’s exactly what I meant,” Hawke grinned, taking another mouthful of pie before continuing. “I’m glad you understood the depth of my question.” 

“I’d be happy to help you bake the pie next time,” Anders nodded, grinning broadly now. “And all that implies...” 

“Thank the Maker,” Hawke grinned and finished his pie with a sigh. “I think that calls for another celebratory bottle of champagne, don’t you?” 

“If you say so.” Anders grinned and felt some more of the weight lift from his shoulders. He hadn’t realized until today just how heavy his body had been, walking around for years without any hope Hawke wanted him the way Anders dreamed of. He would still worry, he knew that, about not being good enough, about this all being some elusive prank or dream where he’d wake up one day and realize it was all just in his head. But, where he before would have pulled out to spare both his own and Hawke’s feelings, he now dared to keep believing, keep dreaming, because this was so much more important to him than anything had ever been before. 

“I really do!” Hawke exclaimed with a light laughter, looking almost as relieved as Anders felt.

“Whatever you say,” Anders smiled, getting up slowly from his chair when Hawke went to get another bottle from the fridge. “Any chance you can excuse me for a moment? Nature calls.” Anders then added and Hawke laughed as he left the room for the downstairs bathroom. 

“No texting Isabela!” he heard Hawke call after him before the door closed and Anders sniggered, phone already in hand. 

He told her about what had happened, giving a quite long account of the food, the subjects they’d talked about, especially the part about being a part of the Hawke family. He wasn’t sure if she would answer immediately or not, so he put his phone away, only to pull it out only moments later when her text arrived. He couldn’t help laughing, it was like she had been doing nothing but watch her phone for news.

I can’t believe it after six years  
you’re suddenly domesticated  
already? shit I knew you worked  
fast but i’m impressed!  
now go bone and be done with  
all this flirting and awkwardness  
being all happy doesn’t suit you

 

i’m just kidding I love you  
text me before bed, yeah?  
don’t let me take up time  
from your date, sweetie!  
I love you!

Anders grinned and put his phone back in his pocket without answering. He would follow her advice, at least with the no more texting until bedtime, and go out again to spend some more time with Hawke. He smiled broadly at the thought, getting off the wall where he’d been leaning against the tiled wall. His reflection caught his eye and he stood there for a moment, watching himself, trying to think about his own features from Hawke’s perspective. He knew people sometimes called him handsome, usually he had a hard time seeing what they meant, his nose was too big, his chin too pointy and his eyes too close together, not to mention anything about the rest of his body. But for some reason he knew Hawke didn’t agree with him, not only because he’d said so on many occasions, but also because looking at himself with Hawke in mind made him look so much happier than he usual looked.

“Happiness suits you...” he mumbled, closing his eyes and drawing a deep breath. It was vivid, the memory of Karl saying that same thing to him, all those years ago. Memories of Karl were usually dim now, except certain favorites that Anders had either held onto too hard for them to go away or fabricated entirely himself without knowing. This one he hadn’t remembered at all until now, and still it was clear as day. He’d been standing in front of a mirror, but a fancier one than this, dressed all fancy for a day he’d always believed he would never get. 

“Happiness suits you,” Karl had said, entering the small room in his usual silent way, placing warm hands on Anders’ shoulders, his loving smile clear for Anders to see in the mirror as they locked eyes. “If it were up to me, you’d wear only that.”

“Happiness?” Anders had chuckled, leaning his head back against the other man’s shoulder, catching a whiff of his scent in his nostrils; lavender, elfroot and that scent that was just Karl. “I think the guests, at least, are happy it wasn’t up to you, then.”

Karl had laughed, a ringing laugh that echoed through time, even as Anders stood there in the small bathroom, tears rolling down his cheeks as he reopened his eyes. There was a weight on his shoulders, like warm hands still rested there, but invisible to the naked eye. Anders shuddered and took a deep, quavering breath to calm his frantically beating heart. 

“You know me,” he mumbled into the silence, wiping the tears from his face with a small smile on his lips. “I’ll never stop loving you… But I need him, I need him to survive. I know if you were here, you’d see...”

His voice trailed off as he looked at himself in the mirror again. He knew that if Karl could see him now, he would understand, even approve. But he’d said if Karl was here, which was a completely different matter. If Karl had actually been there, there was no telling what might have happened. And that thought still hurt deep within Anders, the knowledge that his own future happiness with Hawke was somehow dependent on Karl not being alive anymore…

He shook his head, forcing the thoughts away before splashing some water in his face. Karl approved of him being with Hawke now, he knew that. Karl wouldn’t have wanted him to dwell on one of the worst times in his life, not today, when he was finally smiling again. 

“Happiness suits you,” he repeated again, breathing deeply until his own smile slowly returned. “You can do this, Anders Thekla, deep breaths...”

With that he left the reassuring brightness of the bathroom, quite relieved since he’d started feeling claustrophobic in there. He returned to the kitchen, only to find it empty, and decided the best place to look for Hawke was in the living room. He was right, of course, and closed the door softly behind him, watching Hawke with that same warm feeling once again spreading through his stomach. Hawke was standing over by the fireplace, drinking from his glass as he checked something on his phone. The golden light from the fire played across his body, making Anders sigh happily at the sight. Hawke was, as always, breathtakingly handsome, and the romantic, red light only worked to his advantage.

“You going to be watching me all night?” Hawke suddenly grinned, looking up at Anders and putting his phone back in his pocket. 

“I didn’t know you heard me come in,” Anders admitted, feeling slightly silly for standing there, grinning widely, having watched Hawke for at least a couple of minutes. “Sorry.” he then added as he walked closer to where Hawke stood. 

“Admiring the view, were you?” Hawke grinned, watching Anders as he walked, making him feel like he was very exposed somehow, but not in an unpleasant way. 

“Always,” Anders nodded, feeling no need to hide the truth for once. Hawke chuckled at this, but Anders could have sworn he saw blush rising to his cheeks. Encouraged by this, Anders stepped up closer to him, fingers gently reaching for Hawke’s as he spoke. “I hope you’re enjoying your view as well?” 

“Was there ever any real doubt in you that I wouldn’t?” Hawke cooed, a firm arm suddenly wrapping around Anders’ back, pulling him close with one, smooth pull of his arm. Anders laughed, feeling warm butterflies in his stomach, as if magic had poured into him from Hawke’s very touch. He felt suddenly light, as if he could float off the ground at any moment, if it wasn’t for Hawke’s strong arm holding him in place. The places where their bodies were pressed together, from chest down their thighs, his skin was pounding and his heart was beating so hard in his chest he was sure Hawke could feel it through his clothes. 

“I suppose not,” he managed to answer after catching his breath, his face far to close to Hawke’s for him to actually concentrate on what he was saying. “I’ve always known I’ve got handsome features.” 

He’d expected Hawke to joke back, maybe comment something about how good it was that Anders was aware of his own good looks, but nothing like that happened. Instead Hawke only grinned and leaned in even closer to Anders, stealing the last bit of concentration he had in his mind, along with his breath, as he leaned in to kiss Anders gently. There was something about this kiss that made it special for the multiple ones they’d shared back at the amusement park. Maybe it was the softness of Hawke’s lips or the celebratory champagne still lingering on his breath, or maybe it was the fire and the fact that they were standing in the comforts of Hawke’s home that made it seem even more right, even more wonderful than any of the others.

Anders relaxed, arms wrapping around Hawke’s shoulders almost of their own accord as he let the smallest of sounds escape his mouth. It had been involuntary and in his own warm haze he still felt embarrassed for a split second, before he realized with another jolt of happy, burning warmth that Hawke had let out an equally embarrassing sound as well and the reaction from Hawke’s body was even more immediate. Hawke’s chest had swelled as he drew a deep, shuddering breath, his arms, both placed around Anders’ waist now, had tensed and gripped him harder, not to mention the way his whole body seemed to vibrate against Anders’. Anders opened his eyes, so close to Hawke that everything was out of focus at first, breathing deeply, feeling his lips pound as they broke apart slowly, Hawke still kept his eyes closed, his lips were slightly parted and his brows furrowed, as if he already missed the feeling of Anders’ lips against his own. Anders knew the feeling. 

He gently withdrew his hand from where it had nestled in Hawke’s hair, softly stroking his neck and bearded cheek as he kept looking at him, taking in every part of his face; the straight nose, the dark, thick brows, the plumpness of his lips and how they looked even fuller after being kissed, the beautiful wrinkles around his eyes from laughing and grinning as much as he did… Hawke groaned ever so slightly before he opened his eyes, looking reproachfully at Anders but leaning into the touch of his hand against his cheek. 

“Don’t stop...” he then mumbled, his amber eyes gleaming in the light from the fire place. 

“I wasn’t planning too.” Anders replied but wasn’t able to say anything more, as Hawke was already pulling him in again, a hand now placed gently on the back of Anders’ head. Anders couldn’t help smiling, the fluttering in his stomach far from disappearing as he felt Hawke try to tug him even closer, which was impossible. Anders sighed, relaxed further as he felt his own body responding more deeply to Hawke’s kisses, the way his fingers now dug into his scalp, making his bun slowly come undone. He didn’t care if the reactions of his own body should be embarrassing when he was with someone he really cared about, as opposed to someone he was only with for the very specific reason of sex. All he cared about in this moment was the feel of Hawke’s lips and body against his own, which made him feel so warm he was trembling. 

“Come with me,” Hawke mumbled softly against Anders’ lips after they’d been standing there for a while, simply enjoying each other’s arms around them. Anders nodded as he felt Hawke’s hand reach for his own before he backed away. Anders followed without much wonder where they were going. Hawke was walking slowly backwards, as if he couldn’t bear loosing the sight of Anders. The way his eyes moved over Anders’ body made him feel both powerful and exposed at the same time, in a way he’d never felt in the confines of any bathroom with any stranger. This adoration that was shining so clearly through Hawke’s eyes made Anders embarrassed to remember that he’d ever doubted whether Hawke liked him this way or not. Clearly he should have realized… 

Heading up the stairs, Hawke stumbled two times before he grinned and tore his eyes from Anders, seeming to realize it was better to watch where he was going than getting hurt. Anders laughed, the sound coming out as a fluttering sound he didn’t recognize as his own laughter. Hawke looked back at him momentarily, maybe wanting to comment on it, but he seemed to think better of it and kept walking until they reached his bedroom door. 

“I wanted to say,” he mumbled as he pushed the door open, now walking backwards again, his free hand reaching up to rest against Anders’ cheek. “That this doesn’t mean I’m expecting...” 

“I know,” Anders nodded when Hawke’s voice trailed off. He knew he didn’t need to do anything if he didn’t want to, he knew Hawke would never go further than he knew he was allowed too. The thought surged powerfully through Anders’ midriff and he took a double step forward, catching up to Hawke before the man could do anything to steady himself. The gentle force of Anders’ chest hitting Hawke’s made them both tumble onto the bed as Anders laughed. “I know, and I’m grateful.” he then said, standing on all fours above Hawke, looking down at his gorgeous face, leaning down to let his lips hover just above Hawke’s. 

Anders hadn’t thought about it much until now, but his pants felt oddly constricting all over in this position, not to mention below his abdomen. He’d never regretted wearing tight pants as much as he did in this very moment, unable to spread his legs wide enough to get comfortable, unable to sooth the heaviness of his cock as it pressed firmly against the constricting fabric of his underwear. He shifted slightly, still looking deeply into Hawke’s eyes and gave an involuntary gasp as he felt Hawke’s leg brush the inside of his thigh, stopping there instead of moving higher up between his legs. 

“Don’t mock me.” Anders tried to grunt but it came out in such a begging way that he cringed and closed his eyes, steadying his breath momentarily. Hawke was chuckling, mockingly but gently, and before Anders had time to reopen his eyes, he felt one of Hawke’s strong hands on his neck pulling him in for another kiss, which drew a muffled moan from Anders. This one moan made it clear for him that this situation called for no more thinking, no more embarrassment and certainly no worries about tight pants. As their lips locked together, Hawke’s warm tongue teasingly brushing against Anders’, he could feel Hawke’s leg rising between his own and suddenly all thoughts were gone from his mind in one jerk of his own hip. He groaned, earning a shudder from Hawke which Anders could feel all the way through Hawke’s thigh and knee, that was now firmly pressing against his cock, through the fabric of his clothes. All he could do was relax onto the pressure he was given, groaning once more from the friction caused by his movement, feeling Hawke’s chest heave underneath him in sync with his own body. 

“I wouldn’t dare,” Hawke mumbled softly, his hands sliding across Anders’ hips and up his waist, fingers slipping momentarily between fabric and skin. Anders shuddered at the touch, vivid images of all the things he’d fantasized about doing with this man, through the years he’d ached for him, came rushing before his eyes: Hawke kissing his way down Anders’ chest, Hawke gripping his thighs hard as Hawke pushed into him, Anders moaning into Hawke’s shoulder from the pleasure of nothing but the slightest touch, Anders kissing the bend of Hawke’s hipbone, his thighs, his cock… Anders immediately knew he had gone somewhere he shouldn’t have as the taste of lyrium crept up on him and his cock throbbed painfully before he sighed and tried to shake his own guilt away. He hadn’t been sexually with someone he liked this much since he’d last been with Karl, of course he’d have flashbacks to other times he’d had sex… or at least he thought that was normal. But that he’d remember the taste of Fenris, just as Hawke was touching him…

“Wait,” he mumbled and shook his head slightly, avoiding Hawke’s worried eyes. “Wait, I...”

“Hey,” Hawke smiled, trying but failing to meet Anders’ gaze. “There’s no pressure, Anders, really,” he half whispered and his warm, strong arms came up to wrap around Anders’ now trembling back. Anders felt foolish and horrible, cold and ashamed as he slumped against Hawke’s chest, undeserving of his warmth. He knew it wasn’t really his fault that he’d started thinking about Fenris, and what they’d done in that bathroom had been consensual, a choice, something he’d wanted at the time, so he knew he shouldn’t feel bad about it. But to think about it in this situation, to remember the fantasy he’d had in bed only days ago… “Do you want to talk about it?” Hawke asked, bringing Anders out of his growing anxiety with his vibrating voice. 

“No,” Anders answered. He didn’t want Hawke to know, even though he knew Hawke probably suspected something, at least that this wasn’t Anders’ first time since Karl. “I’m sorry,” he then added, trying to meet Hawke’s eyes but dropping his gaze almost immediately. This was all he’d thought about for years, and now he’d gone and ruined it the first thing he did. “This is… you deserve better...” he started explaining, deciding it might be better if he just made it clear that maybe Hawke should reconsider this whole thing. But Hawke reached up to place a finger against Anders’ lips, a warm smile on his face. 

“Don’t go throwing me aside that easily,” he said, tilting his head slightly when Anders dared look back down at him again. “I know you Anders, at least I think I know the parts of you that matter most. And I want to be with you, all parts of you in fact, that includes baggage and bad days too...”

“This isn’t like that...” Anders tried, but Hawke only shook his head and smiled. 

“I don’t deserve better than you, do you know why?” 

“No...” Anders sighed, feeling weak in his arms, his cock still heavy between his legs, even without Hawke’s knee there to press against it. He wished he could have just pushed through those thoughts, been with Hawke the way he’d always wanted. Maybe that would have changed things… 

“Because I don’t want to be without you,” Hawke smiled and gently helped Anders over to his side, one arm now resting under Anders’ head and the other pulling them close together on top of the covers of the bed. “I know there are things about you that I still need to learn, and I want to, no matter what it is… And if you think not having sex on the first date is going to make me feel like I don’t want you, then you should give me some more credit.”

“I’m sorry,” Anders mumbled and buried his nose in the bend of Hawke’s neck, wrapping his arms around him as best he could when lying on his side. “I just… there’s just a lot going on in my mind right now, I need to sort it all out before...”

“Sex isn’t everything you know,” Hawke almost laughed, and Anders realized it actually helped to hear him say that. Maybe that meant he wouldn’t mind that Anders had been quite busy in that department since he arrived in Kirkwall. “All I need is you, right here, in my arms, in my bed… I’d rather talk with you about all cats you’ve ever had than have sex with you before you’re ready.” 

“All cats, really?” Anders half chuckled and tried to force his anxiousness concerning Fenris out of his mind for now. “That might be more than you can handle.”

“I’m willing to take the risk,” Hawke grinned, placing multiple kisses on Anders’ forehead after speaking. “Anything to make you happy.”

“You’re too good to me...” Anders mumbled, half suspecting Hawke to joke about this, telling him he was right, but he didn’t. Instead, he reached down to cup Anders’ chin, tilting his head up so that all he could do was meet Hawke’s eyes.

“I’m not,” he said, earnestly. “I could never be too good to you, Anders. You deserve respect, kindness and love, even if you don’t believe it...”

“Well,” Anders grinned, feeling warmth replacing the icy anxiousness slowly throughout his stomach and chest. “Who knew the mighty Garrett Hawke could actually be serious when he’s in bed with someone.”

“Not just someone,” Hawke chuckled and stroke a tear away from Anders’ cheek, a tear Anders didn’t even know he’d shed. “The man of my dreams needs some special treatment, after all.”

The man of his dreams. 

Anders sighed, a mix of unyielding happiness and heavy sadness rushing through his soul, splitting him almost in half as Hawke enveloped him in a tighter hug than before. What wouldn’t he have given, only days ago, to hear Hawke say something like that? And how happy hadn’t he been if he’d heard it then. Now, even though his happiness could have made him soar though the roof, there was a part of him that ached, left behind on the bed without even knowing why it hurt, why he felt heavy as led in Hawke’s warm embrace. He needed to figure this out, before he ruined this wonderful thing that Maker had finally given him, after all he’d been through.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I'm sorry it's been so long! I've both been working and studying a lot but i'm so happy to be back with another chapter! I'll try to finish another one in not too long, until then, enjoy! 
> 
> Once again the chapter has not been BETAd by anyone but me, and as you know that's close to impossible for me, so I'm sorry if you find any weird mistakes! let me know if you want me to change something!

It had been at least an hour since Hawke fell sleep. He was snoring gently, not in a bothering way, just the gentlest snores drifting through the darkness, making Anders smile. He’d heard these snores before and always wished he could have been sharing a bed with Hawke when he snored like this. He turned to his side and tried to focus his gaze on him through the gloom, the embers of the dying fire not strong enough to illuminate much of anything anymore. Hawke was lying on his back, arms stretched out to both sides, one of which Anders was using as a pillow at the moment, a grin was playing on Hawke’s face and his hair was standing in all directions.

Anders lay there for another half hour or so, closing his eyes and enjoying the soft, sleeping sounds Hawke was blessing him with, before he got out of bed. He had been enjoying himself but started feeling restless when he couldn’t fall asleep. It was always better for him to get up and distract himself for a bit when he couldn’t sleep, which was what he planned to do. Maybe he’d go downstairs and do some dishes or find a book to read from one of Hawke’s many bookshelves. He walked as softly as he could across the cold floor, swiping Hawke’s robe from the chair at his desk and sighing blissfully at the scent of Hawke, his Hawke, enveloping him immediately. He’d never let this robe go now. 

The door closed effortlessly behind him, without as much as a creek, and he made his way downstairs with less care now. Hawke’s mabari was nowhere to be seen, which might have been a good thing, seeing as Anders must have stolen the dog’s sleeping place in bed and really, wasn’t that a dick move on his part? At least if you were to ask the dog, he was sure. He didn’t want to come face to face with the dog and risk an awkward moment.

Down in the living room, the air was a lot colder than in the confines of Hawke’s bedroom and Anders shivered as he threw another log on the embers, blowing on the soon to be fire to start it back up. He was glad now that he’d brought the robe. The fire didn’t seem to want to catch, and for a moment Anders looked at it disapprovingly, until he realized being a mage had its perks. 

A moment later the fire was crackling away merrily and Anders sank down on the couch with his phone, that he’d of course brought with him downstairs. It was three o’clock in the morning and he had no texts from Isabela. He knew she’d told him to text her before bedtime, it was one of the thoughts that had kept him from sleeping, he supposed. He warmed his hands inside the robe for a moment longer before replying to her.

Sorry I didn’t reply sooner  
I was busy being domestic ;) 

He hesitated. He knew she wanted details, but it felt weird to tell her things over text, even if he was dying to tell her all about what had happened during the evening. He sighed and pulled his feet from the floor, reaching for the blanket at the end of the couch to warm himself more.

We stayed up late and talked  
mostly just about work  
and life and stuff  
you’d think it boring ;)

i’ll tell you more when I get home  
right now im trying  
not to freeze to death :( 

He sent it and realized he’d slid down the couch as he texted, his head resting quite comfortably against the fluffy pillows. He closed his eyes for a moment and yawned, feeling suddenly drained and exhausted. Maybe thinking too much about everything concerning sex and relationships and friendships and Fenris was what had made him feel like a boned fish on the inside. He yawned again and stretched slightly on the couch, feeling the heat from the fire reaching him now. Maybe he’d just stay there for a little while longer, before going back upstairs. Just for a bit…

He dreamed that he was lying on his back in high grass, an uncomfortable tree root sticking into his back but smiling nonetheless. There was a chilly breeze ruffling his hair and his hands, outstretched to both sides, grasped warm hands; one large, calloused one that covered his fingers tenderly, the other was smaller, softer, with a grip as if the owner of the hand was afraid they’d loose their grip. 

The next thing Anders knew he was being lifted by strong arms, carried somewhere only the Maker knew where, but he didn’t panic, because he felt Hawke’s scent fill his nostrils. He wasn’t sure if this was still a part of the dream, but it didn’t feel very important. He smiled and sighed peacefully as Hawke tucked him back into bed, before crawling down behind him, wrapping his warm arms around him once more. 

“You alright?” Hawke mumbled gently in Anders’ ear, and Anders willed himself to nod through his sleepy haze. 

“I am now,” he then mumbled in reply and shivered at the soft kisses Hawke was planting along his neck. “I was just enjoying your meadow.” 

“My what?” Hawke chuckled sweetly and ran a finger along the roof of Anders’ hand, stroking every finger so gently it sent sparks down Anders’ spine, waking him and bringing him out of his dreamlike state. 

“Your couch,” Anders corrected himself, not sure what he’d answered last time but he knew he’d said the wrong word. “I couldn’t sleep.” 

“You seemed to sleep fine downstairs,” Hawke grinned, placing kisses on Anders’ unsuspecting ear, which made him shiver. “Should I have left you there?”

“No,” Anders said and shook his head slightly, smiling. “This is better, you holding me.” he then said and dared to push back slightly against the frame of Hawke’s body, letting out the smallest of surprised gasps when he felt Hawke through his pants. He was already hard. Anders was the one to chuckle now, flattered that Hawke reacted to quickly to the sight of him or kissing him, or whatever it was that Hawke found so interesting in him (Anders had a hard time seeing the reason himself). He felt a surge through his body at the thought, warmth coiling below his bellybutton, and he sighed happily when Hawke’s arms tightened around him. 

“Sorry,” Hawke mumbled, seeming like he’d just now realized what his own dick was doing. Anders couldn’t help it when a nervous giggle escaped him. “I know you want to wait.” 

“Don’t apologize for wanting me, Garrett,” Anders half whispered and slowly turned around to face him, reaching one hand up to stroke Hawke’s bearded cheek as Hawke’s arm slid to rest at the small of his back. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all,” he then continued and felt goosebumps spread across his entire body when Hawke drew circles with a finger. “I just need to believe this is real, so I don’t miss a thing when we finally...” His voice faltered when he looked into Hawke’s eyes and found the softest of smiles in them. 

“I don’t blame you, and I get it,” Hawke said and leaned in to claim Anders’ lips, if only of a moment, making Anders sigh blissfully. “I’m don’t usually go to bed on the first date anyway,” he then continued and Anders bit his lip, feeling bubbles of shame in his stomach even though he knew he shouldn’t. Just because Hawke didn’t have sex on the first date didn’t mean he had to stay away from it. Besides, he hadn’t really been dating anyone. It had all just been sex. Hawke was watching him now, a brow furrowed in worry as if he somehow thought he’d said something bad. “I mean,” he then started hesitantly. “That’s just who I am, like, I just mean, not that I’d have minded being with you tonight, Maker knows how bad I want that,” he paused with what sounded very much like a nervous chuckle and Anders’ rising anxiety seemed to wash away at that sound. “I just agree that if we wait, it will be better.” 

“Yeah,” Anders nodded and kissed Hawke’s bearded chin softly, enjoying the rough, yet smooth, feel of the hairs against his lips. “That’s what I feel as well.” 

“Good.” Hawke smiled and tightened his arms around Anders, now holding him close to his chest as Anders let his fingers stroke through his beard. They lay like that for a while, only breathing in silence with each other until Hawke’s breaths became more deep and slow, lulling Anders into a deep sleep. 

***

The smell of someone else cooking breakfast for you in the morning was something Anders had always loved to wake up to. Karl had done that often in the weekends, pancakes or scones or just toast and coffee always ready when Anders stepped into the kitchen, or on a tray next to him in bed, the coffee spilling over the edges as they’d made love just because they could.

Anders turned in the soft sheets and sighed happily enjoying the scent of cooking drifting into the room, the sound of frying creeping in through the half open door. For a moment he was unsure where he was, but he didn’t care. Whoever was making him breakfast was an angel of the Maker. He slowly opened his eyes and yawned as he tried to remember the night before, watching the red fabric of the fourposter bed, trying to bring himself of out the sleepy haze he was in. 

Suddenly he heard soft noises falling against the stone floor and he froze slightly in his stretching and yawning. Those weren’t human or cat feet… With a yelp he covered his face as a large hound suddenly sprang onto the bed with a bark. Everything suddenly came back to him as the beast bounced on the bed, no doubt trying to turn Anders out of it to clear a space. 

“Please,” Anders begged, as the dog started lapping at his hands and the parts of his face it could reach. “Please, I’m not a dog person!” 

“Come here girl!” Hawke called from somewhere outside the room and Anders breathed out in relief when the dog pricked her ears up and bounded out of the room only a couple of seconds later. Anders laughed nervously at the whole scenario, before he pulled himself out of bed to go wash his face. Some cold water might do him good after this rude awakening. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” Hawke smiled over his shoulder as Anders stepped into the warm kitchen a couple of minutes later, still wrapped in Hawke’s robe, Hawke’s mabari sitting obediently at her master’s side. “Sorry about her,” he continued and pointed at the dog with a butter knife, grinning. “I told her she wouldn’t get any pancakes until you were up, so I’m afraid she had an agenda.” 

“I see,” Anders smiled and sank down on one of the chairs by the island, rubbing the mabari behind the ear as she came up to rest her heavy head on Anders’ knee. “I will hold you entirely responsible then.” 

“I insist,” Hawke chuckled and turned, almost dramatically, with a plate of pancakes in his hands. “Ta-da!” he said and placed them on the island, along with some maple syrup and butter, before he rounded the island and reached out for Anders’ cheek. “I’m so glad I found you next to me in bed this morning.”

“I’m glad I found you cooking breakfast for me,” Anders grinned and extended his neck slightly as Hawke bent down to kiss him. The kiss was soft and warm, tasted faintly of coffee and pancakes, making Anders sigh happily. “I hope it’s not a one time thing?” he then teased between kisses, which only made Hawke kiss him again. 

“You know me, so what do you think?” Hawke chuckled deeply, fingers moving softly from Anders’ cheeks to nestle in his hair. “Don’t answer that question,” he then added when Anders had just opened his mouth to do so. “Let’s eat instead.”

“Sure,” Anders sighed and let himself be released, lips already aching from more. “Since you seem to have already starved a little?” 

“I had to taste and see if they were good, you know,” Hawke explained before pouring some tea for the both of them, that grin on his face that could make Anders do anything for him. “A pure quality check.” 

Anders only smiled and accepted the tea. They sat there, just looking at each other for a moment before digging in, the mabari resting her face in Anders lap, looking at him with her big eyes. It made him laugh, and he wouldn’t have admitted it, but he quite enjoyed her heaviness and her presence. Hawke was as talkative as ever, which was quite surprising because Anders hadn’t really pegged him as a morning person. He sat there, happily listening as the minutes flew by, fresh cups of tea and scraps of pancakes eventually finding their way to the dog from Anders’ own fork. It was like the morning could never end, like they were in a bubble and the outside world didn’t matter in there. Anders couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this relaxed, this happy, this free. 

Until he looked down at his phone.

“Oh no...” he groaned and rubbed his temples, Hawke looking up from the newspaper, from which he’d been reading an article about apostates out loud. 

“What?” 

“Bella texted me,” Anders sighed and started getting off his chair. “Apparently I had an appointment with a client today, I’d forgotten about it...” In truth he didn’t remember making that appointment at all. 

“You go,” Hawke smiled and got up, starting to clean away the plates. “Come over tonight?”

“Aren’t you having a random party?” Anders smiled fondly and gave the dog some more ear scratches before getting up, helping Hawke clean off the table. Hawke shrugged and turned to Anders, sneaking an arm around his waist and pulling him into a tight hug, not seeming to mind Anders’ greasy hands on his clothes, placing soft kisses at the bend of his neck. Anders smiled and let the shivers of warmth run down his throat and chest, letting out a small moan of pleasure. 

“I could cancel,” Hawke suggested, hands sliding from the small of Anders’ back to rest over his ass. Anders laughed a little and felt his cheeks burn, even though he’d never found it embarrassing to be touched before. He supposed it could have something to do with Hawke being Hawke. “I don’t mind.” 

“But I do,” he assured softly and closed his eyes, breathing in Hawke’s scent before continuing. “I know how much you love having people around, so don’t cancel, not for me.”

“I love having you around more,” Hawke admitted and leaned back to be able to place a soft kiss on Anders’ lips. “I’d rather have you than everyone else.” 

“Then I’ll be here too,” Anders decided, even though he knew he’d be tired by then, both physically and emotionally. “If you want me?”

“I just told you I do,” Hawke replied, his face shining with happiness. Anders smiled fondly and sighed. If this was how happy it made Hawke that he’d come, then it was worth the pain and certain anxiety. “Are you sure you feel up to it?” 

“I’m a big boy,” Anders nodded. “I’m sure.” 

***

When he left Hawke’s home, his own clothes feeling restrictive and tight after wearing Hawke’s comfortable robe, he started wishing he hadn’t agreed to go later, seeing as he’d not thought about who might be there. If Fenris showed up, he wasn’t quite sure he’d know what to say. And what were they going to do about the fact that him and Hawke were together now? Was that a sort of thing your announce to people? Or was that just something you did when someone got engaged? Like with Aveline and Donnic? Would his and Hawke’s relationship be gossip before they confirmed anything? What if people thought it was weird and started talking about it when he was around. What if he couldn’t kiss Hawke ‘hello’ when he arrived. What if Hawke _wanted_ to kiss him in front of a bunch of people… 

Anders sighed anxiously and dug the pad of his thumb into the palm of his other hand, trying to rub the feeling away. He’d be fine. Hawke seemed confident in their relationship already, like they’d been together for years. To be honest, that was the feeling Anders had as well somehow. It was just so natural to be with him, even though it of course made him nervous still. Hawke was straight forward and his confidence was contagious. Anders just had to trust that Hawke had a plan for how to handle this the best possible way. 

Anders stumbled into the clinic in a gust of wind, expecting to see people there before he realized he was early for the appointment Isabela had called him about. He hung his coat up on its regular hook and contemplated whether to stay down in the clinic or go upstairs to Isabela, who might still be hanging around with his cats. After sitting for a couple of minutes on his uncomfortable office chair he decided on the latter and made sure not to leave anything of value behind in the clinic before going upstairs. 

Immediately as he opened the door, the smell of coffee hit him and he realized two things; she was still there and she wasn’t alone. He could hear her talking to someone in the kitchen and for a moment he felt out of place, almost like this wasn’t his home and he’d just barged in on someone else’s private life. Then he realized he was in his own apartment and him and Isabela had no private secrets from each other, pretty much, so even if she had Merrill over, he had all the right in the world to be there.

“I’m home!” he called as he removed his shoes, hearing the clinking of a spoon in a cup, the thud of porcelain against the table before Isabela appeared in the doorway. 

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon,” Isabela smiled, hurrying over to him and kissing him on both cheeks. “Gosh, have you bathed in Hawke essence?” she then asked and smirked, crossing her arms over her chest. “You even smell like him.” 

“I didn’t know a person’s scent could linger like that,” Anders admitted, feeling his cheeks burn almost instantly. “Can you really smell him..?”

“Of course not,” Isabela smiled, more fondly this time. “But only the Maker knows how happy I am for you, even though you might not have gotten into his pants yet.” She said the last part in a hushed whisper and Anders bit his lip, realizing whoever was in the kitchen might find this topic very weird to overhear, or very interesting. 

“Well...” he started, wanting to change the subject but Isabela beat him to it with a finger to his lips. 

“Listen,” she said, throwing a look over her shoulder at the empty doorway. “I thought you’d be here later and that I’d have time to warn you...” 

“I don’t mind you having someone over,” Anders assured and smiled, deciding it was rude to just stand there in the hallway without even saying hi to Merrill, whom he suspected was the one who’d been invited over this early in the day. Really, she’d probably spent the night. “It’s fine.” 

“No but...” Isabela said fleetingly and grabbed for his arm as he passed her in the hallway, not managing to hold onto him as he grinned back at her. 

He realized, of course, that maybe he should have listened to what she had to say, the moment he stepped into the kitchen and saw Fenris sitting there, coffee cup in hand and almost a shocked expression on his face at seeing Anders there. Anders looked back at Isabela in disbelief, and she looked very uncomfortable as she walked back into the kitchen. 

“I’ll take this as my cue to leave,” she almost mumbled and Anders felt his guts sinking as he realized there had been no appointment with a customer, and that Isabela must have planned this little get together without him knowing. “I’m sorry,” she mouthed at him on the way out, after grabbing her phone that had been placed on the table top. Fenris eyes were wide as he watched her go, his drink only half drunk, which probably meant that whatever he was here to talk about had been discussed to an unsatisfactory amount with Isabela. “Call me.” she said as she turned to look at them in the doorway. Anders wasn’t even sure whom she was talking to, right now he felt betrayed enough never to call her again, so he did nothing but stare at her until she’d left. He heard the front door close gently and waited for the pop of the key in the lock before he slowly turned back to Fenris. Their eyes met for a second, before Fenris decided it was more interesting to turn back to his cup. 

“You want more of whatever is in that cup?” Anders asked after a moment of awkward silence, deciding it was better to act kindly, seeing as Fenris had probably had his reasons for running off last time. Just like he’d run off the first time… He took Fenris’ slight head movement to mean ‘yes’ and walked up to the counter, taking silent, deep breaths, trying to steady his racing pulse. Maybe this was good, he thought to himself and put some more water in the electric kettle. This way he would have a chance to talk to Fenris before the party later. This was preferable. But there was no way he would tell Isabela that. Judging by the solitary cup of coffee on the counter and one discarded tea bag in the sink, he decided to make a pot of tea for the both of them. This would take a couple of minutes, minutes that could either be spent in awkward silence or awkward small talk. He didn’t know which was worse. 

“When did you get here?” he finally decided to ask and he could almost feel the awkwardness between them, thick enough to touch. 

“Early,” Fenris replied, his voice rougher than Anders remembered it. It sounded more like a grunt than a word, and he suspected Fenris noticed that as well, because he continued. “Well, I mean, around eight.” 

“I didn’t think Isabela could even get up that early,” Anders joked, stiffly, but he relaxed slightly as it earned him a dry chuckle from Fenris. 

Silence fell between them again as Anders thought of what to say. He didn’t know how he could possibly make this situation feel less strangled and awkward, but he suspected Fenris had a plan with coming here. He hoped silently that Isabela had been able to talk some sense into the man before she left, or that he now felt more courageous about it and dared to bring it up with Anders. To be honest, Anders didn’t know if he could bring it up himself if Fenris didn’t. Eventually he pulled the tea bags out of the now hot tea pot and reached for a cup for himself, before turning to sit down opposite Fenris at the table. He could have sworn he saw him following him with his eyes when he sat down, but Anders didn’t look up to meet Fenris’ eyes, instead he focused on pouring himself tea. 

“Why were you here at eight in the morning?” he then asked, eventually looking up with a reserved smile, just in time to see Fenris look away from him, out the window. 

“I heard you are a morning person.” he answered, his voice low, almost apologetic.

“You came to see me?” Anders asked, probably sounding a little too surprised, considering this was his house and all. Fenris seemed to think so too, because he looked back at Anders again with a questioning expression on his face, as if he half expected Anders to be joking. 

“Why else would I show up at your doorstep at eight in the morning on a Sunday?” 

“Good question,” Anders admitted and grinned sheepishly, taking a sip of his tea to buy himself time. He watched Fenris’ expression over the rim of his cup as he drank, seeing the confusion, as well as a nervousness that he wasn’t used to seeing there. “I thought maybe Bella had called you?” 

“No,” Fenris answered slowly and reached for the teapot to refill his own cup. Anders watched him as he did, slender fingers moving lightly over the warm handle, the straight lines across his knuckles more visible in this light than most, looking more like scars than tattoos now. Anders quickly looked away as Fenris noticed him looking, which probably looked both ridiculous and embarrassing, since it was now completely obvious he’d been looking. “I came because I wanted to talk,” Fenris then said, his voice set and the determination in it sent chills down Anders spine. He looked back at Fenris again, half expecting him to look away, but this time Fenris met his eyes head on, swallowing visibly before continuing. “About… you know.”

Had this been a person Anders had not impulsively sucked off in the bathroom of a pub, maybe he would have joked about not knowing at all, made Fenris spell out what it was he meant. It was something Hawke often did, which meant Anders had started doing it just to spite him. In this instance though, he bit down on his lip to stop the impulsive words from breaking free. He didn’t want to scare Fenris away, especially when the man had waited for him to show up for quite a while. Fenris was waiting for a response now, his eyes still clear and his brows slightly furrowed. Anders, on the other hand, had no idea what to say. Eventually he just nodded, stiffly, as if to agree to the topic. The tea did nothing to soothe him. 

“Well,” Fenris eventually started and cleared his throat audibly before continuing. “What I did was rude, and cowardly and I would like to apologize.” 

For a moment, Anders was actually unsure what Fenris was talking about. It had been rude of him to flirt with Anders? To stumble into that stall with him..? Then he realized, with rising heat to his cheeks for some reason, that he was of course talking about the running-out-of-the-stall-part. Anders smiled, as unmockingly as he possibly could and tilted his head slightly to the side as he replied. 

“Fenris, you don’t have to apologize,” he said. “These things happen to the best of us. I’m quite sure this wasn’t something you planned, right?” For a second he could have sworn he saw disappointment in Fenris’ eyes, but Anders was already speaking again and had no time to contemplate this expression, which was gone as quickly as it had appeared. “I don’t blame you at all for running off, not when we both know it wasn’t your idea.” 

“If it wasn’t mine, who’s idea was it?” The question was sharp and direct, almost like Fenris was offended that he couldn’t be blamed for the action, instead of him being relieved or… possibly flattered by the idea that Anders had been the one to act, to want him that way. Anders didn’t know why that thought came up, or why he was disappointed this was Fenris’ reaction. It wasn’t like he wanted Fenris to be into him, that would cause a great number of problems right now, especially for Fenris. He didn’t want the man to have to go through all that…

“I mean...” Anders tried, grinning weakly and looking away for a split second before deciding eye contact was better. “I just mean that we both were in on it but that doesn’t mean, I mean, you might not have initiated it the way I did and you don’t have to feel bad for bailing out...”

“You don’t think I initiated it?” Fenris retorted, his voice low again. “You think that it was all your idea..?” The last question made Anders bite his lip, because even though that wasn’t quite what he’d been thinking, hearing Fenris ask it made it clear to him what this sounded like. If Anders had been under the impression that he’d been the sole initiator, the way he’d made it sound, that probably would have meant he was more into Fenris than he was. He didn’t know how to explain now that he wasn’t that into him, really. He looked down into his cup and gnawed on the inside of his cheek, feeling silly for the way Fenris made him loose his ability to talk. 

“I mean, wasn’t it?” he eventually said, knowing what it must sound like but what was he supposed to do? 

“No?” Fenris replied plainly and Anders saw in a stolen glance how Fenris also looked down into his cup. “I thought I was quite obvious.” 

“Maybe...” Anders sighed, trying hard now to even remember what had led up to their time spent in the bathroom of the Hanged Man. The silence stretched and Fenris eventually leaned back in his chair, looking out the window almost defiantly. Anders was just about to say something, what, he didn’t know yet, when he noticed Pounce resting comfortably in Fenris’ lap. He didn’t know why that made him close his mouth again, but it did. Instead of speaking he looked up at the man in front of him, really looking at him for the first time since that bathroom. He looked tired, worn, not unkept but almost as if he had gone a day too long without sleeping or showering. His hand was still resting around the cup, one finger absently stroking the porcelain and Anders was forcefully reminded of Fenris’ fingers in his hair, his moaning voice in Anders’ ears and the taste of him playing across his tongue. As a rule, he hardly ever went back for seconds when it come to a man he met at the club, but Fenris was his friend, someone he saw often… Would he be reminded of their shared bathroom adventure every time they met from now on..? Fenris wet his slightly chapped lips and Anders tore his gaze away, feeling ashamed of himself. This wasn’t only about him and Fenris anymore, like it had been before. Hawke was involved now too, and there was no way he would give him up just for another moment together with Fenris. No matter how many times his mind brought him back there.


End file.
